I should just call this blog "friendship", but I'm being fancy. The two words don't really mean the same thing, but there is kind of a tangential connection between koinonia and friendship, and if you don't know what the former word means, just google it.
I have written many letters and many blog entries discussing the subject of friendship, and if anyone who has read a fraction of these decided they wanted to puke or hang themselves if they had to read anymore, I would understand. It's just that, this is my big Life Issue, the thing I have struggled with more than anything else, and at 36 years old, I still haven't gotten the answers I've been looking for to the questions that still haunt me: What is friendship? How do you form lasting ones? Can you choose your friends or do they choose you...or does God choose them for you? Why do these wonderful relationships end?
I want to talk about some of the greatest days and nights of my life. I had a huge crush on somebody for a long, long time. All through high school in fact, and into college. We were acquaintances and sometimes partners on class projects, but we didn't hang out. There was a mutual respect, but for some reason I never had the nerve to try and turn our casual acquaintance into a friendship. Well, after 5 years of this, I finally got up the nerve to just talk to him about how I felt. I knew he was straight, so there was no possibility of a love connection, but I was hoping that we could form a significant friendship bond that would last. The setting for this conversation was the grounds of Clackamas Community College after hours. I had just seen my first play, Minority Status Quo, be performed for the final time. It was Thursday, June 1, 1995. We talked for hours and he was so amazing and kind, as we just walked around the campus that warm summer night. Basically he said, "In my mind, we were already friends." It would have been perfect had it not been for the fact that he was moving away (to a four year college) and I was staying put. I grieved over hundreds of missed opportunities to hang out, but that one star-filled night...It was so good that it almost made up for all that. And it almost made up for the hell that would follow as the friendship took a nosedive weeks later, and I became, for a few months, the worst person I've ever been. But that one night, June 1, 1995, brothers and sisters, I experienced paradise.
Of course, when paradise is lost, you think you can never gain it back again, but you can, if only briefly. In 2001, I became friends with someone who was more like me than anyone I had ever known...Well, that may not exactly be the case because he was like me in certain ways (he was gay and an aspiring filmmaker) and not like me in others (he was decidedly NOT spiritual). I also had a crush on him, but he was taken, so I had to get used to that fact. We spent lots of time together though, just hanging out and talking, watching movies. One night I was house-sitting for a friend and he came over, and it was kind of a slumber party. We drank a lot and read each other's scripts and watched movies, and then he offered to sleep with me...not have sex, but sleep next to me, with an occasional arm around me. He said he knew there was a void in my life (affection, intimacy, whatever), and he wanted to fill that void that night. So we slept, and here was somebody who really cared about me. And that was heaven.
One of the first gay guys I ever met was at CCC in...oh, I think it was '93, but maybe it was '94. His name was Greg. There was this gay and lesbian support group that met on a weekly basis and there were only a few of us there, and he was one of them. We hung out a couple times, he took me to Hobo's a gay restaurant in Portland, I slept over at his place. We cuddled in bed together, but that's all. Though our relationship wasn't sexual, he was like my initiation into all things gay, cos I had really been sheltered all my life. Now I really wish I could find Greg, I'd love to talk to him.
Meeting gay friends is a challenge living where I live. I don't go to bars. And what's more, since I've made a new commitment to Christ, it's hard for me approach gay guys cos I'm worried that if I'm honest about my faith, they'll reject me. Likewise, if I am trying to make Christian friends and am honest about my sexuality, they will reject me. So now the difficult issue of friendship that I've struggled with all my life is even more difficult than ever.
I don't know how many in the church I go to know I'm gay. I think most Christian guys feel threatened, like if I reach out to them, it means I want to sleep with them. Not true. Why would they assume that? Do they think I'm just a sinner and can't be a real Christian? Do they think I can't possibly have anything to offer them? What am I supposed to do?
When I was working at the store, I tried to make friends with a lot of the younger guys. It's not merely because I was attracted to them, it's because I really felt like I had more in common with them than the middle aged people who worked there. I feel young at heart. But I think people are prejudiced concerning age. They just assume that you can't relate to someone 15 years older than you. I admit that such a friendship would be unusual, but that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with that. I think in our society we just put these strange arbitrary limits on our lifestyles, that we have to act a certain way, be friends with only a certain group of people, never stray out of the ordinary. And for someone like me who has NEVER been ordinary, well...You can see the problem.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Friday, July 3, 2009
I AM WRONG.
My favorite singer/songwriter Robyn Hitchcock introduced a live version of his song, "No, I Don't Remember Guildford" for friend Jonathan Demme's concert film Storefront Hitchcock with the words: "You know, when you think you're right about things, that can make you very bitter. If the rest of the world hasn't happened to go along with your ways of seeing things. And if the rest of the world includes someone you've been close to, then you feel worse."
I always get emotional listening to that little speech because it really strikes a chord with me. I remember my 7th grade math teacher Mr. Gibson giving his class a lecture on why it's bad to always have to be right. (He should not have been a math and science teacher; he was 100% philosopher.) But he was casting his pearls before swine; 7th grade is far too early for anyone to comprehend such important life lessons. Oddly enough, when my class moved on to high school, so did he.
Now as an old man, I realize what a lot of old people realize, and that is that life has very few assurances. Oh, there are some things we can know without a doubt, but not nearly as many as I once believed. And it won't be a surprise to those of you who realize this is a Christian-themed blog, that almost all of those certainties have to do with God. But more on that later.
One of the pitfalls that a back-slided Christian makes when he decides to start going to church again is the culture clash between the worldly ways that you've embraced for the last many years and the Christ-like living that the church body is supposedly trying to emulate. And I realize that's why a lot of Christians and non-Christians alike don't want to go to church or fellowship with believers because they think they're going to be confronted with everything that is considered "wrong" in the eyes of the holy (or "holier than thou") and righteous (or "self-righteous"). They're going to tell you that what you read is WRONG, what you listen to is WRONG, what you watch is WRONG, what you believe is WRONG, what you think is WRONG, yes, WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, praise the Lord. Repent and be saved. Of course! Why didn't I think of that?!?!?!
And obviously, if you're a GAY Christian, you can multiply that judgementalism by 1000. At least, that's what I've come to expect, and so I am not really "out" to many of the people in the church I go to, although I don't keep it a secret either. I mean, they see my Facebook, and they have a link to this blog, so it's not like I'm lying to them. I'm just not discussing it. But I want to make something real clear here. Most Christians believe that homosexuality is wrong. I question that, but only because I'm gay. If I wasn't gay, I would have the same interpretation of the 6 or so Bible verses that deal with the subject as most Christians do. I would not try to delve deeper by checking out the Gay Christian Network (see link on the right) or reading a book like What the Bible Really Says About Homosexuality by Daniel A. Helminiak. It would not matter to me. Why would it? So I don't hold fellow Christians' beliefs against them, at least I try not to. But here's the biggest point I want to make, and I may actually offend any gay buddies of mine who might be reading this. Are you ready? Here goes: If God doesn't want me to be gay, He can change me. And if He doesn't want me to engage in gay sex acts, He can change my heart so that I will conform to His will. I have told Him that I'm open to a heart-change, and a mind-change. But I believe only God can do that; I don't believe in programs like Exodus or other such things. I don't believe you can will yourself to be straight. I don't believe you can brainwash yourself to be straight. But you can have a heart that truly wants to do God's will and He can take it from there. For the record, at the current moment, I don't want to be straight, I want to be a with a guy, I want to marry a guy. That's just what a want. But God can change what we want; I really believe that.
But that's between me and God. I have to admit that there's a pride issue, where I would never want to admit to someone who is against homosexuality that "you're right, and I was wrong." That would be a painful thing to do. And I'm most certainly not ready to do such a thing in terms of my sexuality or music, or books or movies, or many other things in my life that might raise eyebrows. There is, however, something I have to confront, and it's the real purpose of this blog entry.
None of what's come before in this entry was what I was going to write. This was going to be called "Obsession: another word for Idolatry." I've talked a little bit about this in previous entries, so I won't touch too much on the idol factor, except to remind my readers who might not realize that whatever we care about more than our relationship with God is considered an idol. And God hates it when we have idols. In fact, if you were to read the Bible from cover to cover, I think you would find that one of the very most offensive things to God is idolatry. And it's not just a matter of worshipping false deities. If you care more about your wardrobe than your relationship with God, you are engaging in idolatry. If you care more about your boyfriend or girlfriend than about God, this is idolatry. If it gets between you and God, it's an idol. Now, I'm not a pastor or theologian, so if I'm missing the mark please don't stone me for heresy. I'm only relaying my understanding of what I've been told and have read in the last several months.
I like to think of myself as a good person. I know that who I am in Christ is not who the world sees. The world might see a loser who's in his 30's, unemployed, living with parents, who does not drive, and has no friends. And indeed, I have been called a loser before. I understand why they would say it. But that list of faults is not the summation of who I am. And my biggest fault of all--being obsessed with people and wanting their friendship to the point of becoming downright freaky about it--is also not reflective of the entire person that Matt Russell is, and certainly isn't what God made him to be.
But I have to talk about obsession because in this area, I really can and must say that I have been WRONG. And I hope that in admitting this to myself and to others, I can try to repent from this wrongness and find a more healthy way of dealing with people that I like.
I think the root of all obsession with other people stems from insecurity and a low self-image. If you think you're dogshit (pardon the term, but I want to really get the point across), you can't help but to look up to other people, indeed, put them on a pedestal, especially if they're people that you like and admire for whatever reason. You think that if they can be in your life, you will feel better about yourself, and hopefully have a good friend to boot. They seem "better" than other people. Often, it's partially because there's a physical attraction, but that's not the only component. If choosing friends was like choosing a meal in a restaurant, you look at the menu and find what looks best to you. And you fall in love with the idea of getting to know this person, even though there's no real practical basis for this perception that you will connect so wonderfully. You build it up in your mind to where it becomes so important to you that you cause yourself great embarrassment in your attempts to make friends with this person. And at worst, you may evoke the person's society-generated paranoia and fears of obsessed people as they've been portrayed in the movies, as violent stalkers, bent on causing harm and terror and destruction. In reality, obsession in itself is just a mental condition, like depression, and most obsessed people are not evil or violent. I certainly hope that anyone who knows me just a little bit would know that I'm not.
Over the years, there have been several guys that I've been obsessed with, and it's never resulted in the friendship that I wanted. Instead, it's caused much pain, the depth of which I am not even capable of describing. To constantly be rejected by the people you hold in high esteem, and not even for a romantic relationship but for a mere friendship. You like them SO MUCH, but they don't even care about you enough to get coffee or go to a movie or whatever. And I always looked to God and cried, "what's WRONG with these people? Don't they have compassion?"
But no...The real question should always have been, "What wrong with me?" Not "what's wrong with me that makes me unlikable?" although I have asked that question to myself many, many times. The real issue is, "What's wrong with me that makes me feel like I need this particular person in my life or I'll be unhappy or incomplete?" And why do I think it's okay to try and manipulate or emotionally blackmail people into giving me what I want? It's not that I'm always conscious of this, but sometimes I am, but just can't help it. Sometimes I feel SO desperate. What makes a person needy? Is it feeling like you've been deprived of your needs over the years? Well, it's true that I've always been shy, I've always been a nerd, and I've always, always had great difficulty finding friends. So yes, I feel deprived of people to be close to, except of course my family which is a blessing I know that not everyone has. But all my life I've felt an incredible loneliness that I've tried to quench in ways that always make me get more hurt and feel more lonely. When you're desperate, you become self-destructive. If I had a cute body, I'd be a slut. I'd hang out in the bars and hook up with people on Craigslist, trying to fulfill the emptiness with sex. And now my Christian friends say, "Wait a minute! Where is God in all this?" And that's a good question.
God wants to be our best friend, but you can't see Him with your eyes, you can't hear Him with your ears, you can't tell Him dirty jokes, you can't hug Him and feel the comfort of a physical embrace. You can't see a movie and chat with Him over coffee afterwards. But I know what the brothers are getting at. He doesn't just want to be close to us, He wants to be closest to us. And I've cared more about these guys than about spending time with the One who really does care about me. I'm not saying it's wrong to want human relationships, but I've taken the desire to insane proportions. And if all the objects of my obsessions over the years could read this, I would say I'm sorry. I would also say I still want you around, but can never blame you for finding me unworthy. After all, most people really don't want to be idolized. I wish you liked me. But how can you, if I don't like myself? And a person can never properly love himself without a concept of God's love for him or her. If I know that God made me in His image and loved me enough to die for me, then sent His Spirit to guide me in all my days, then I must not be what I thought I was. I must not be...dogshit. No matter who rejects me, God sees me as lovable as everyone else, and if I could see myself through His eyes, maybe I could see others that way as well, not as idols, but as human beings, only as special and imperfect as I am.
I always get emotional listening to that little speech because it really strikes a chord with me. I remember my 7th grade math teacher Mr. Gibson giving his class a lecture on why it's bad to always have to be right. (He should not have been a math and science teacher; he was 100% philosopher.) But he was casting his pearls before swine; 7th grade is far too early for anyone to comprehend such important life lessons. Oddly enough, when my class moved on to high school, so did he.
Now as an old man, I realize what a lot of old people realize, and that is that life has very few assurances. Oh, there are some things we can know without a doubt, but not nearly as many as I once believed. And it won't be a surprise to those of you who realize this is a Christian-themed blog, that almost all of those certainties have to do with God. But more on that later.
One of the pitfalls that a back-slided Christian makes when he decides to start going to church again is the culture clash between the worldly ways that you've embraced for the last many years and the Christ-like living that the church body is supposedly trying to emulate. And I realize that's why a lot of Christians and non-Christians alike don't want to go to church or fellowship with believers because they think they're going to be confronted with everything that is considered "wrong" in the eyes of the holy (or "holier than thou") and righteous (or "self-righteous"). They're going to tell you that what you read is WRONG, what you listen to is WRONG, what you watch is WRONG, what you believe is WRONG, what you think is WRONG, yes, WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, praise the Lord. Repent and be saved. Of course! Why didn't I think of that?!?!?!
And obviously, if you're a GAY Christian, you can multiply that judgementalism by 1000. At least, that's what I've come to expect, and so I am not really "out" to many of the people in the church I go to, although I don't keep it a secret either. I mean, they see my Facebook, and they have a link to this blog, so it's not like I'm lying to them. I'm just not discussing it. But I want to make something real clear here. Most Christians believe that homosexuality is wrong. I question that, but only because I'm gay. If I wasn't gay, I would have the same interpretation of the 6 or so Bible verses that deal with the subject as most Christians do. I would not try to delve deeper by checking out the Gay Christian Network (see link on the right) or reading a book like What the Bible Really Says About Homosexuality by Daniel A. Helminiak. It would not matter to me. Why would it? So I don't hold fellow Christians' beliefs against them, at least I try not to. But here's the biggest point I want to make, and I may actually offend any gay buddies of mine who might be reading this. Are you ready? Here goes: If God doesn't want me to be gay, He can change me. And if He doesn't want me to engage in gay sex acts, He can change my heart so that I will conform to His will. I have told Him that I'm open to a heart-change, and a mind-change. But I believe only God can do that; I don't believe in programs like Exodus or other such things. I don't believe you can will yourself to be straight. I don't believe you can brainwash yourself to be straight. But you can have a heart that truly wants to do God's will and He can take it from there. For the record, at the current moment, I don't want to be straight, I want to be a with a guy, I want to marry a guy. That's just what a want. But God can change what we want; I really believe that.
But that's between me and God. I have to admit that there's a pride issue, where I would never want to admit to someone who is against homosexuality that "you're right, and I was wrong." That would be a painful thing to do. And I'm most certainly not ready to do such a thing in terms of my sexuality or music, or books or movies, or many other things in my life that might raise eyebrows. There is, however, something I have to confront, and it's the real purpose of this blog entry.
None of what's come before in this entry was what I was going to write. This was going to be called "Obsession: another word for Idolatry." I've talked a little bit about this in previous entries, so I won't touch too much on the idol factor, except to remind my readers who might not realize that whatever we care about more than our relationship with God is considered an idol. And God hates it when we have idols. In fact, if you were to read the Bible from cover to cover, I think you would find that one of the very most offensive things to God is idolatry. And it's not just a matter of worshipping false deities. If you care more about your wardrobe than your relationship with God, you are engaging in idolatry. If you care more about your boyfriend or girlfriend than about God, this is idolatry. If it gets between you and God, it's an idol. Now, I'm not a pastor or theologian, so if I'm missing the mark please don't stone me for heresy. I'm only relaying my understanding of what I've been told and have read in the last several months.
I like to think of myself as a good person. I know that who I am in Christ is not who the world sees. The world might see a loser who's in his 30's, unemployed, living with parents, who does not drive, and has no friends. And indeed, I have been called a loser before. I understand why they would say it. But that list of faults is not the summation of who I am. And my biggest fault of all--being obsessed with people and wanting their friendship to the point of becoming downright freaky about it--is also not reflective of the entire person that Matt Russell is, and certainly isn't what God made him to be.
But I have to talk about obsession because in this area, I really can and must say that I have been WRONG. And I hope that in admitting this to myself and to others, I can try to repent from this wrongness and find a more healthy way of dealing with people that I like.
I think the root of all obsession with other people stems from insecurity and a low self-image. If you think you're dogshit (pardon the term, but I want to really get the point across), you can't help but to look up to other people, indeed, put them on a pedestal, especially if they're people that you like and admire for whatever reason. You think that if they can be in your life, you will feel better about yourself, and hopefully have a good friend to boot. They seem "better" than other people. Often, it's partially because there's a physical attraction, but that's not the only component. If choosing friends was like choosing a meal in a restaurant, you look at the menu and find what looks best to you. And you fall in love with the idea of getting to know this person, even though there's no real practical basis for this perception that you will connect so wonderfully. You build it up in your mind to where it becomes so important to you that you cause yourself great embarrassment in your attempts to make friends with this person. And at worst, you may evoke the person's society-generated paranoia and fears of obsessed people as they've been portrayed in the movies, as violent stalkers, bent on causing harm and terror and destruction. In reality, obsession in itself is just a mental condition, like depression, and most obsessed people are not evil or violent. I certainly hope that anyone who knows me just a little bit would know that I'm not.
Over the years, there have been several guys that I've been obsessed with, and it's never resulted in the friendship that I wanted. Instead, it's caused much pain, the depth of which I am not even capable of describing. To constantly be rejected by the people you hold in high esteem, and not even for a romantic relationship but for a mere friendship. You like them SO MUCH, but they don't even care about you enough to get coffee or go to a movie or whatever. And I always looked to God and cried, "what's WRONG with these people? Don't they have compassion?"
But no...The real question should always have been, "What wrong with me?" Not "what's wrong with me that makes me unlikable?" although I have asked that question to myself many, many times. The real issue is, "What's wrong with me that makes me feel like I need this particular person in my life or I'll be unhappy or incomplete?" And why do I think it's okay to try and manipulate or emotionally blackmail people into giving me what I want? It's not that I'm always conscious of this, but sometimes I am, but just can't help it. Sometimes I feel SO desperate. What makes a person needy? Is it feeling like you've been deprived of your needs over the years? Well, it's true that I've always been shy, I've always been a nerd, and I've always, always had great difficulty finding friends. So yes, I feel deprived of people to be close to, except of course my family which is a blessing I know that not everyone has. But all my life I've felt an incredible loneliness that I've tried to quench in ways that always make me get more hurt and feel more lonely. When you're desperate, you become self-destructive. If I had a cute body, I'd be a slut. I'd hang out in the bars and hook up with people on Craigslist, trying to fulfill the emptiness with sex. And now my Christian friends say, "Wait a minute! Where is God in all this?" And that's a good question.
God wants to be our best friend, but you can't see Him with your eyes, you can't hear Him with your ears, you can't tell Him dirty jokes, you can't hug Him and feel the comfort of a physical embrace. You can't see a movie and chat with Him over coffee afterwards. But I know what the brothers are getting at. He doesn't just want to be close to us, He wants to be closest to us. And I've cared more about these guys than about spending time with the One who really does care about me. I'm not saying it's wrong to want human relationships, but I've taken the desire to insane proportions. And if all the objects of my obsessions over the years could read this, I would say I'm sorry. I would also say I still want you around, but can never blame you for finding me unworthy. After all, most people really don't want to be idolized. I wish you liked me. But how can you, if I don't like myself? And a person can never properly love himself without a concept of God's love for him or her. If I know that God made me in His image and loved me enough to die for me, then sent His Spirit to guide me in all my days, then I must not be what I thought I was. I must not be...dogshit. No matter who rejects me, God sees me as lovable as everyone else, and if I could see myself through His eyes, maybe I could see others that way as well, not as idols, but as human beings, only as special and imperfect as I am.
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