Always busy.

It makes me sad that people are so busy all of the time.

I made the above its own paragraph because it is such an enormous understatement, it really needs to stand out a bit. Maybe I should put it in all caps, bold, italics, and underline, maybe in a variety of different colors, maybe repeating 100 times, and that could be the entire content of the blog. Is anyone else lonely? Does anyone else feel alienated by the fast, breakneck pace of our daily lives? Does anyone else feel like human companionship is more important than getting ahead, making more money, always advancing forward to some imagined destination called "success"?

I admit that I'm different from most people. Although I have worked a normal job for many years, I have more often been unemployed. A combination of fear and passivity have kept me largely home-bound and socially isolated. But even when I've been involved in a job, school, and various social activities, I've found that I still haven't been happy. Why? Because it seemed like I could never make a real connection with people. They didn't want to hang out outside the job, outside the classroom, outside the theatre. And I couldn't understand why.

However friendships are formed, it must not be the way that I tend to try and form them. And among those people who I call friends, most of them I seldom see because they are constantly busy. They literally have no free time. Of course, that's not really true, but it's easy to say to someone if you want to put them off. Or if it is true, isn't there something wrong with that picture? It seems like nobody only works 40 hours a week anymore. Got to keep going above and beyond the call if you want to keep your job. People are pressured to give more and more of themselves to the company or the class assignment, they lose sleep, their health suffers, they lose touch with their family and friends, they no longer have time for the things they really enjoy, it's all just work, work, work, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go............

Now I admit that if I had a little work and a little "go, go, go" obligations myself, I wouldn't have as much time to feel lonely and isolated, but because everyone is in that Ultra-Ambition mode, I feel like they don't have time to get to know someone new, or even someone old, like me. Someone who just wants to feel a connection with people.

Now in the open

Many months ago, I heard from the Lord, and He told me that I had been hiding in the background, like someone who doesn't want to be noticed, whose gifts and abilities can't be utilized because doing for God requires boldness and freedom from fear. Well, at the time, I didn't really understand. I've almost always been open about my faith, not a "closet Christian". But recent events have showed me that I was not as open as I had believed I was.

I've always found it easier to make friends with unbelievers. I guess to start with, it was because for much of my childhood and teen years, then later my entire early adulthood, I didn't go to church. Add to that being gay and also being in the theatre community which is composed of 98% liberal humanists, it just makes sense that I wouldn't cross paths with that many other Christians. And I liked the open-mindedness of these artistic types. I liked not being judged for anything. And let's face it, Jesus Himself said that people are not to judge one another. But many Christians conveniently forget this.

But the Bible speaks of an end times apostasy that will take place, where more and more people will reject Christ utterly...And sometimes I look around and it seems like it's already begun. It's safer today to say that you're gay than to say you're a Christian. More people hate Christians than gays, at least in my circles. And to a certain extent, I almost can't blame the haters; it seems like it might be the Christians' fault for all their politicizing, for dividing America on issues like gay marriage and abortion. There is a growing hostility, a backlash that I feel now which I've not felt before. If you read the New Testament, it's full of warnings for the followers of Christ, warnings about rejections and persecutions. I always thought, "Well, that was back then in the early days of the faith", and it was, but I never thought it was a word for now. But it is. Persecution is here, it is coming, it is getting worse.

So here I am, a guy who always had trouble making friends, feeling incredibly lucky for the friends that I do have (I should not say lucky, I should say blessed), and I don't want to lose any of them because of my faith. In addition to this, I have wanted to be part of the theatre community in Portland for a long time, someone who is respected for his work and how he gets along with others. But like I said, by and large, the theatre community accepts spiritualism, but not so much "organized religion". So what do I do? Do I keep my mouth shut about my faith?

A couple years ago, my dad, who has worked yearly in the Grotto's Festival of Lights Christmas play, asked me if I could write my own Christmas script because he didn't like the ones they used at the Grotto. His hope was that they might decide to use mine instead. Well, they didn't. I was disappointed, but I decided to use those lemons to make lemonade and flesh out my idea into a full length Christmas script, one that would hopefully honor the Lord and remind people what the holiday is all about.

Recently I was presented with an opportunity to produce this play, and I am in that process now. But it has been a very strange experience for me. I have found that talking about it with others, posting audition notices, and trying to recruit friends to be involved has been emotionally difficult for me. I feel exposed, very self conscious, and insecure because I think that people are going to label me as a "Jesus Freak". I worry that people won't want to work with me because I'm "one of those people". Now I understand what it meant that I was "hiding". And what it means to step up.

I do not preach to my friends, or anyone else for that matter. Belief in God is the most personal choice you can make, and nobody can make that choice for you. Would I like my friends to know Jesus? Of course. It's like wanting your friends to eat healthy and exercise, to keep growing, to be successful. You want what's best for your friends. But you never push, and you never judge. You accept people as they are and don't criticize. And I can only hope that people will afford me the same courtesy. I may not think or believe like you, but I still like you, and hope you feel the same way in return. I am a Christian...but I'm also kind of a cool guy.