Quitting Time

What do you do when faced with disappointment? How do you cope with failure? Is it different for a Christian than anyone else?

A long time ago, I hatched this notion of a Christmas-themed play because my dad wasn’t satisfied with the scripts they were using in the Grotto’s annual Festival of Lights production. So I poured a lot of prayer, passion, time and energy into creating a conglomeration of all the things I love most about the holiday season, while trying to illuminate its true meaning and relevance to humankind today. I wanted people to actually think of Christ instead of presents and food and other distractions. And I really felt for awhile that God Himself was behind it. Not that He was writing it through me, as in the case of Scripture, but that for the first time in my life, I was really doing a project “unto Him”. I trusted Him to make it possible, provide the finances, provide the actors. I’m not saying I just sat there and waited for them to drop into my lap. I took the usual steps to cast the show and raise money.

And in actuality, money wasn’t the problem; casting was. And the location, I think, had a lot to do with the casting problems. It was way out in the country outside of Gresham, in a building that leaks so much when it rains, you could almost drown. But I can’t ignore that many people don’t want to do a show with a Christian theme, unless they themselves are Christian. And my problem was, I didn’t want an all-Christian cast. Many of my social views are more liberal, and there is content in the play that I knew wouldn’t be “acceptable” to all Christians. This is the burden that I’ve bore for many, many years, being kind of “in the middle” with my views and attitudes on things. It is hard to find an audience that way, and it’s hard to find creative partners.

The few people involved in the show did not want me to give up. Friends encouraged me not to. But as director and producer, I have to look at the big picture. I’m spending other people’s money, I’m wasting other people’s time on something that may not come together in the end. There are many expenses and technical challenges that need to be addressed, and I can’t be spending hundreds of dollars only to discover that I don’t have enough actors.

Then people suggest you can compromise things. Cut some scenes, cut some actors, not worry about authentic looking costumes, etc. But just as I said to God, “I don’t want to do this unless You want it”, I also say, “I don’t want to do this substandard.” How does a mediocre project glorify God? (Anyone see those Left Behind movies???) It had to be good, or nothing.

So when a Christian fails, he (or she) asks, “Did I hear right from God? Was this really His will in the first place? Did I do something to disappoint Him and mess things up?” How can you know? Well, some people have greater levels of discernment than others. Some people know when God is speaking them; I tend not to. Some people just have too much clutter in their heads, and they can’t hear that still small inner voice.

But when a Christian fails, there’s always a bright side. Romans 8:28 says, “We know that to them that love God, all things work together for good, even to them that are called according to His purpose.” I don’t know why I failed. Maybe the timing wasn’t right. God can see things that we can’t. He can see if the grange would be flooded with rain on those nights we were to perform. He can see if nobody would want to come. He can see if it would be hated and a total disaster. Proverbs says, “lean not on your own understanding”, and I have to heed that. It seems like most all of my efforts to do theatre in this town seem to crash and burn and to let go of ambitions is a painful thing, and to feel like a failure is a blow to one’s self-image, but as Paul said of the thorn in his side, which God refused to remove, “God’s grace is sufficient for me.”