So this is Christmas...

I'm so sorry, I had to title this from a line in a song I don't even like. And I LOVE Christmas songs, for the most part, most of them. From songs I learned from working at Kmart during the holiday season ("I Was Born On Christmas Day" by Saint Etienne, "2000 Miles" by the Pretenders and "New Years Baby" by Cyndi Lauper) to clever twists on classics by favorite artists (Midwinter Graces by Tori Amos is hands down my favorite holiday album) to time-honored spiritual hymns, delivered in a number of traditional and alternative ways. "We Three Kings", "O Holy Night", "What Child is This?" I could listen to over and over again, and do in fact. But the unexpected favorite is Tori's heartfelt version of "Good King Wenceslas". To me, it totally captures the spirit of what the holidays are supposed to be about.

I start listening to these songs even before Thanksgiving. And once Thanksgiving is over, up go the decorations. I'm doing good to take them down by Valentine's Day. Every year, there are dozens of new cable TV Christmas movies, and I try to watch all of them, except for just a few that look too stupid, mostly involving the workings of Santa and his stupid elves. I most enjoy the romances, because I am a romantic to the core.

No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to shake off this "Christmas is a time for miracles" notion that these movies and many of the songs communicate. I know it's a set-up for disappointment. I mean, it's quite simple, really, to do this to yourself. Imagine one thing you've wanted for a very long time, and hope that it lands in your lap on Christmas, just like in a Hallmark movie. You may think "no one can be that dumb," but believe me, it's not that hard, if you want something bad enough. For many years, I've longed for a reconciliation with an old friend named Eric who I was estranged from in 1995. Generally, I don't spend much of my life thinking about this (not since the late 90's, anyway), but sometimes, around Christmas, I think, "Gee, God, wouldn't it be nice to get an unexpected letter..."

As many know, two days after Christmas last year, my dad and I got in a bad car accident. I spent two nights in the ICU, and Dad was treated & released. I, myself, am sketchy about the details, because I blacked out, but I've heard a lot to suggest to me that our survival and recovery were Christmas miracles...just held over a couple days.

But in a season like this year's, that has seen so much publicized tragedy, one could fairly ask where was the miracle in Connecticut where all those poor children were gunned down? And I honestly can't give you an answer to that question. Man has free will, to love or hate, to bless or harm. I believe tears were shed from Heaven that day.

I wish I could express my love for my family and friends the way that I want to. But in many cases, something gets in the way. Maybe I'm afraid they'll misunderstand me. Maybe I'm afraid of being ignored. (I've felt that way a lot lately.) Maybe I'm afraid to find out that I don't mean as much to them as they do to me. There are people I want to hug, but I can't. There are people I want to give gifts to, but it would seem, to some, as inappropriate.

I believe it was 2008 that our family decided (or rather the majority decided) not to exchange gifts outside of our own respective households because people couldn't afford it. Well, for awhile I protested. Even though I could not afford to buy gifts, I did it anyway. And then felt the empty rejection of not getting anything back. I thought, honestly, that I just loved to give for the sake of giving. But when they don't appreciate what they get, and don't reciprocate, I understood that there must have been more selfishness in my motives that I initially realized.

This year, we've been blessed to have two friends living with us, something that has brought extra love and light to our home. I did one really good production....not successful, in a box office sense, but successful creatively. And I met and worked with some truly wonderful people in the process. It seemed like some friends I drifted away from a little, and some I got closer to. My dear friend Michael gave me one of my most poignant memories of the whole year. We were doing happy hour at Huber's and I was talking about how hard it can be to find a welcoming church when you're gay. And he looked me in the eye and apologized on behalf of all Christians who have ever made me feel rejected or out of place or uncomfortable. He did not need to do that. He was never guilty of those things. But that was a defining moment in our friendship, and in my own life.

I thank God for the blessings of 2012, and everything He has in store for 2013. The only new year's resolution that makes any sense to me is just to be more attentive to my walk with Him, and to listen for His wisdom and guidance.

I wish you joy, peace, love, and your true heart's desires this holiday season. Merry Christmas.