Before I begin with today's remarks, let me first ask my readers to drop me a line and let me know you exist. As far as I know, only 2 people read this blog...and that's okay because if those 2 people enjoy it, it's worth doing just for them and for my own self-expression. However, it would help me to know that there are others, whether or not you choose to "follow" or comment. Thank you.
Here's an interesting discussion. It will explain a little about the next paragraph.
Last night, I sat on a deck chair and looked up at the stars, and cried, "Abba, Father." I wonder if I should share something so personal...People share this personal stuff all the time, don't they? Listen to preachers; they'll tell you of intimate discussions with God. To be sure, there are some things I would not share but I can share this. "Father, Father," I said. "I am hurt. I am hurt." And I did not know what to say after that, and I was called in for a haircut anyway, so I left God with those words from me to Him, understanding that I would return later on.
Jesus promised His disciples that anything we ask in His name, He will do it (John 14:13), but the unspoken caveat is this: it has to be in accordance with the Father's will. I mean, technically, can we really ask anything in His name if it doesn't meet that qualification? Why would He want to put His name on something that was against His Father's holy and righteous plan? To quote another dangerous passage, "Delight yourself in the LORD; And He will give you the desires of your heart" (Psalm 37:4). In Matthew 6:33, Jesus says that all your needs will be given you but you must seek first the Kingdom of God.
Why am I quoting these Scriptures? It certainly isn't to sound educated. In fact, it will become apparent that I don't completely understand them. The other question you might be asking is, why was I hurt? Well, it might be kind of hard to explain. As the trite R.E.M. song declares, everyone does.
[NOTE: I am not all these people!]
Aloysius hurts because he was given a name that causes people to make fun of him. He would change it, but he doesn't want to hurt his parents' feelings. He loves them, but why, oh why, did they saddle him with that?
Ben hurts because he doesn't like his body. He wonders why some people have a metabolism that burns up calories like wildfire and no excess fat is stored, even though they eat whatever they want. Ben loves food, but all it gets him is fat. Food is comfort (hence the phrase, "comfort food") and Lord knows he needs comfort in these troubled times, but none of his clothes fit him anymore. And exercise is...Uh, what is THAT?!?!
Connor is in okay shape, but he has a hump. He tries not to think of Quasimodo, but he can't help it. There's nothing doctors can do. And he's screamed at God many, many times over this, let me tell you.
Diane is angry because she's not a lightweight. She'll drink and drink, but it seems so hard anymore to get that buzzed feeling, much less drunk. What she does feel is that general yuckiness, that bad taste in her mouth, the headache. A few cocktails used to be at first soothing, then uplifting, even enlightening. But now...She might as well be drinking water.
Enid also gets teased at school, but not so much because of her name, although it doesn't help. She is...Well, she's ugly. And every single day, when she wakes up and is about to go to school, she KNOWS that she will be treated like something less than human. She knows that she will have to fight with all that is in her to make her not want to turn a gun on herself.
Flynn thinks he is radioactive. There are some people that attract others like magnets, crowds flock to them. With Flynn, it is the opposite. He has racked his brain for decades, trying to figure out why people don't like him, but he is ever stumped. He clears rooms, but it's not a result of flatulence. He doesn't understand; it's just him.
Gary loves someone with all his heart. But others say that his love is wrong and evil, and he thinks he has to believe them or else. He looks around at married couples with their kids and bitterly laments that this is the "right way, God's way". But his heart aches because that isn't him, and he asks God if he must have an artificial heart, for it contains something that seems precious to him, only to be trampled underfoot and disregarded by God and God's people.
Hal is going insane because he has no impulse control. He has skin problems, which lead to scratching, which lead to sores, which he then picks all day and all night long. He bites his nails, he pulls his hair. He picks his skin. He can't stop. He must cover his whole body at all times so people don't think he has leprosy.
Inez has obsessive-compulsive disorder, coupled with extreme paranoid delusions. She thinks that every sound she makes generates a part of a word in some cosmic spirit realm, and if she doesn't dictate what words are formed, an evil declaration will be uttered, causing herself or someone she cares about to be cursed. Deep down, she doesn't truly believe these things, and yet she does...and yet she doesn't...and yet she does.
Jake doesn't know how to forgive. Every hurt from his past, every wrong that has been perpetrated against him is remembered and he has emotional scars going down to the earth's core. Every memory inflames his emotions and he hates, and hates, and can't stop hating. If people would only apologize for what they did to him, he could let it go. But they don't. And he can't.
Kelly has had about 15 different anti-depression drugs in that many years, and about that many therapists as well. Now she has no insurance and relies on DVDs to take her out of her own life. But it never quite works, because she can still see her surroundings, even with the lights off. She's waiting for them to manufacture a TV set that enables you to actually jump into the screen and join the world that you're watching. She hopes they invent it soon...very, very, very soon.
Linda hates her job, and before you say, "Everyone hates their job," she would have you know that she, in fact, hates hers much more than everyone else hates theirs. The problem is, she's not qualified to do anything else. She can't afford school, and even if she got a big fancy degree, she's too old; nobody would want her.
Mike is happy. He's got a beautiful girlfriend and a good job that pays well. He loves his family. He loves spending time with his friends, BBQing, watching football, going line dancing from time to time. But he's afraid of losing it all.
Nelson wonders where his fear comes from. He's in his 40's but is afraid of the dark. He's afraid of his bedroom at night. He sleeps in the living room with a light on. It wasn't always like this. What happened? He wonders what's next, bed-wetting?
Odin jokingly refers to himself as "the Happy Fornicator". He wonders what's wrong with pleasing the body? He sees lust as a lifeforce. It motivates him, inspires him, energizes him. Beauty is everywhere, and he wants to seize it all. Sex is the method of acquisition. It transforms him into something better than what he would otherwise be. So his objective in life is two-fold: 1.) experience ecstasy as much as possible, and 2.) become beautiful by association.
Palmer missed the boat. He was never really a child, and now that he's grown-up, he wants to be one. He was never a delinquent teenager either, drinking and smoking and rebelling. Now he wants to go back and try it. In his early adulthood, he was never wild and fearless, never took chances, never partied, always cautious. And now, at an age when he's expected to be mature and sensible, he is emotionally paralyzed, locked away inside a mental coma of regret and dreams of missed opportunities.
Quinn has chronic pain. They say it's all in his head.
Rachel cried when her ferret died, and people didn't really understand because, after all, it was just a ferret. It wasn't even a dog. Its brain was probably smaller than a pea. But it was innocent like a child, and sweet, without a shred of malice, and as far as Rachel is concerned, she would rather be in a room full of ferrets than a world full of humans.
Sid has a problem with methamphetamine. It's just that it sunk its claws into him after just once, and he can't stop any more than he can climb Mt. Everest. And though he's always cared very much about his physical appearance, he's losing his teeth. Soon he will not go out to show himself, except to, you know, get more.
Tori's boyfriend broke up with her. And because she built her whole identity around him, she realizes she may as well not exist. She turns on the bath water.
Udell will never forget his sister Tori, who he found in a blood-filled bathtub, though he sometimes wishes he could.
Vince saw a newspaper across the table, and on it, a picture of some high school kid smiling awkwardly into the camera. He wonders how many points the young lad scored at last night's basketball game. But when he picks up the paper, he sees it's just the latest casualty in the Iraq war.
Wanda was disappointed to learn that, according to the new store policy, an employee had to work at least 1,000 hours last year to earn their vacation for this year. And though two decades of service and seniority had earned her a month of vacation per year up to this point, she only worked 995 hours last year, so..............
Xavier is mad that I have to mention him just so that I have a name beginning with X.
Yolanda loves the Lord, but she's never had that blessed assurance of salvation. She's always worried that she's done something to mess it up, or that she will do something. She's full of sinful desires, and what if she can't repent in time? What if the Lord comes, and she gets caught with her hand in the cookie jar?
Zell just kneels on the floor and wonders what God had in mind for him...Did he miss God's divine plan? He's getting older, so old...How will he know it's not too late to do whatever he's meant to do? How will he be ready when the time comes? How will he know what to do? He listens and listens but hears nothing. He looks up and cries, "What do You want?!" And then he remembers how many dreams he had that got tossed away by the wind, and he wonders if what he wants matters to God. Does what I want matter?
And I hurt. And only God knows how much I hurt. And only God has the remedy. Jesus Christ left His home in Heaven to live as a lowly man on Earth, and He lived a sin-free life. But no one knows the thoughts He had, no one knows His feelings. They are not recorded. I say I hurt, and Jesus says, "Yes I know. I did too. And I still do. I hurt for you. And I love you more than you can imagine." At least...That's what I feel He's speaking to my heart. You know, there are many questions I have which are yet unanswered. There are many things that most Christians take for granted. But I wait on God. And I trust Him.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Tales
It might seem from this third entry in only a few days that I plan to be very prolific and just purge my soul faster than people can read it. Well, I think it may start out that way...It may be like that for a couple weeks because I feel like I've built up a lot of things that I now want to share with others. I hope that people will take time to read the older entries.
I want to talk a little bit about the last ten months because certainly they've been transformative for me, and I've had some odd experiences that I didn't know how deeply God may have been involved in them. Learning to hear His voice is not always easy, and so I share these things hoping that someone might find something to relate to.
The journey began when I left my job at Kmart last July. Things had been very tumultuous for me there. I had a lot of emotional issues with various coworkers, and I felt like in some ways, I wasn't being treated right. I had been there around 6 years and things had never been perfect, but I just reached a breaking point. Later I would regret making the rash decision to quit, but at the time, it seemed reasonable. Nobody argued with me and tried to get me to stay, and I took that as a sign that I was right. The problem is (and this was before our country's economy went down the toilet), I had some real fear and insecurity issues. The job at Kmart took me a long time to find, and it was at first very hard for me. So now here I was, knowing that I needed to have a job, but terrified about the process. And this fear basically turned into refusal. I simply could not bring myself to try to find work. All I did was try to get back on at Kmart, but I could not. In addition, I had recently quit film school and put aside a long-time dream of mine to be a filmmaker. Now I was home alone constantly without close friends, extremely lonely and depressed, and thinking often about suicide. I didn't want to take my own life, but I prayed to God, asking if He would take me home.
At this point, I would like to apologize if I sound at all like someone who just craves attention and likes to dramatize. I'm not looking for people to come to me and say, "You were suicidal? Oh you poor dear!" (Sadly, being suicidal is not an unusual thing for people to feel in our society.) But if you're describing a journey across a continent, you can't skip the part where you were in the desert. And everyone is there at some point. In fact, I started noticing on various web sites and message boards where people expressed similar feelings, and I began to try reaching out to them, praying for them, saying I was available to them. I just felt this enormous wave of concern whenever I would run across this because I realized that some people don't understand what's it's like to feel so desperate and hopeless. I had reached out to people that I thought were friends, only to have them kind of ignore me and not try to help. Well, I didn't want to be like that. I never want to be like that.
For the first several months after I quit my job, I was dealing with an intense obsession, and whenever I talked to God, it was mostly about trying to convince Him to grant me this particular thing that I wanted, this thing with which I was obsessed. Obsession is a very painful thing to go through because you KNOW that it's wrong, you know that God doesn't approve; it's like an idol. If you're so obsessed about something that you care more about it than anything else, even God, and the only time you talk to God, you're talking to Him about the obsession, that's a problem. And yet I could not shake it. Part of me didn't want to.
Meanwhile, I got a prophetic word that said God wanted me to intensely draw closer to Him during this downtime. I was supposed to read His word, and develop a prayer life. I was to get to know Him, and let Him get to know me. This was more important than anything. Well, it was pretty hard at first because it required discipline and making adjustments. And to be honest, I don't feel like I've gone even half as far as He wanted me to, in terms of time spent and devotion. I watch way too much TV, listen to too much music (and I don't listen to Christian music very much), sleep waaaayyyy too much, but more than anything, I sit in front of my computer checking my various email and networking sites for messages. I go back and forth between them for hours, even when I'm not receiving any messages!
I read a book about a convicted criminal who's locked up for many years. I won't tell you who it is, but I felt a great stirring of compassion for this person, and I felt led to write to him. I got a PO Box for this sort of communication for when I didn't want people to know my address. I spent weeks thinking about and praying for this person, imagining what a correspondence with him would be like. He wrote back and said thank you for my letter, but I have yet to hear from him again, which I find sad. I wonder what God's purpose was...Did He really have one or was it just something that was from my own heart? Does God still want to do something here?
One night, at about 3 AM, I had a scary and moving experience. I had earlier prayed a prayer that was somewhat unique for me. I asked God to help me to be available to Him, if He needed me for something, or if someone else needed me. There's an old Petra song called "I Am Available". Well, it was raining hard and I was out on the deck with this big red umbrella. I live next to a school, and across the parking lot and on the other side of the school, I began to hear this horrendous screaming. It was coming from a young man. He was just crying out in these loud, anguished bursts. Soon I saw him emerge from around the corner, coming in my direction. Though it was raining hard, he had no shirt. And he was just still screaming repeatedly. I wondered what could be wrong? What if he had been stabbed? Maybe it was a bad drug trip. I had never seen anyone in this state. I wanted to do something. I started to pray. But, my friends, now is when you wish you had discernment like the heroes of the Bible, where you could hear God's voice audibly. What do I do, God?!?!?! I could have turned on the light and he would have seen me in the distance holding the big red umbrella. I could have shouted, "What's wrong?" I could have gone to him. But I hid because I was afraid of him seeing me. And I let him pass our block and continue down the neighborhood, screaming. I prayed some more. Soon the police came, obviously having been called by someone. That someone should have been me. I don't know if they found him. I don't know what was wrong or if he is okay.
If I failed that test, maybe I passed a different one. I was searching Craigslist ads and I came across one that announced its poster was going to kill himself. He added a link to his blog site, which I went to and on it, there was a video explaining why he was going to kill himself. Panic sets in. God, what do I do? I asked my parents for advice, and eventually I called 911. They never called me back; I don't know what they found when they investigated. The video blog was deleted, and then re-posted several hours later. When I saw it had been re-posted, I wondered if I was supposed to call 911 again. I didn't. Kept praying. I posted a comment to his blog that said something like, "God loves you and so do I...contact me." But soon after, that blog was deleted as well, and there's been nothing on that blog site since.
I don't always give money to people who ask for it, as I'm walking the streets of downtown Portland on my way to the bus stop. But one day, a man asked, and I felt that I should. And his response was of such surprise and gratitude, it warmed my heart. "Wait a minute," he said. "You're supposed to ignore me. You're supposed to keep walking by." He acted like I was the most generous person in the world for giving him a dollar or something. (I don't think I had a lot more than that in my pocket, and I had to get home myself.) And coming away, I had to thank God for giving me that chance because I felt like, "God, you did not make that happen for him, you made it happen for ME!"
I started taking walks last fall. Well, I had a lot of time on my hands. Sometimes during these walks I'd talk to myself, and often, I'd talk to God. We had some heated discussions. I said some things I shouldn't have. I asked forgiveness, and then He would speak to my heart. I noticed things about the beauty of nature that I had not noticed before, at least not as much. The many different vibrant shades of the fall leaves, for instance. And sunsets. I was in awe of how lovely God's earth is. And then when the snow and ice storms came, I was actually happy because it was something we don't experience that often here, and I went out and felt like a little kid walking through the snowy fields. It was bliss.
Lastly, I thank God for my friends Holly and Michael. They helped me through a hard time, and I love them.
I want to talk a little bit about the last ten months because certainly they've been transformative for me, and I've had some odd experiences that I didn't know how deeply God may have been involved in them. Learning to hear His voice is not always easy, and so I share these things hoping that someone might find something to relate to.
The journey began when I left my job at Kmart last July. Things had been very tumultuous for me there. I had a lot of emotional issues with various coworkers, and I felt like in some ways, I wasn't being treated right. I had been there around 6 years and things had never been perfect, but I just reached a breaking point. Later I would regret making the rash decision to quit, but at the time, it seemed reasonable. Nobody argued with me and tried to get me to stay, and I took that as a sign that I was right. The problem is (and this was before our country's economy went down the toilet), I had some real fear and insecurity issues. The job at Kmart took me a long time to find, and it was at first very hard for me. So now here I was, knowing that I needed to have a job, but terrified about the process. And this fear basically turned into refusal. I simply could not bring myself to try to find work. All I did was try to get back on at Kmart, but I could not. In addition, I had recently quit film school and put aside a long-time dream of mine to be a filmmaker. Now I was home alone constantly without close friends, extremely lonely and depressed, and thinking often about suicide. I didn't want to take my own life, but I prayed to God, asking if He would take me home.
At this point, I would like to apologize if I sound at all like someone who just craves attention and likes to dramatize. I'm not looking for people to come to me and say, "You were suicidal? Oh you poor dear!" (Sadly, being suicidal is not an unusual thing for people to feel in our society.) But if you're describing a journey across a continent, you can't skip the part where you were in the desert. And everyone is there at some point. In fact, I started noticing on various web sites and message boards where people expressed similar feelings, and I began to try reaching out to them, praying for them, saying I was available to them. I just felt this enormous wave of concern whenever I would run across this because I realized that some people don't understand what's it's like to feel so desperate and hopeless. I had reached out to people that I thought were friends, only to have them kind of ignore me and not try to help. Well, I didn't want to be like that. I never want to be like that.
For the first several months after I quit my job, I was dealing with an intense obsession, and whenever I talked to God, it was mostly about trying to convince Him to grant me this particular thing that I wanted, this thing with which I was obsessed. Obsession is a very painful thing to go through because you KNOW that it's wrong, you know that God doesn't approve; it's like an idol. If you're so obsessed about something that you care more about it than anything else, even God, and the only time you talk to God, you're talking to Him about the obsession, that's a problem. And yet I could not shake it. Part of me didn't want to.
Meanwhile, I got a prophetic word that said God wanted me to intensely draw closer to Him during this downtime. I was supposed to read His word, and develop a prayer life. I was to get to know Him, and let Him get to know me. This was more important than anything. Well, it was pretty hard at first because it required discipline and making adjustments. And to be honest, I don't feel like I've gone even half as far as He wanted me to, in terms of time spent and devotion. I watch way too much TV, listen to too much music (and I don't listen to Christian music very much), sleep waaaayyyy too much, but more than anything, I sit in front of my computer checking my various email and networking sites for messages. I go back and forth between them for hours, even when I'm not receiving any messages!
I read a book about a convicted criminal who's locked up for many years. I won't tell you who it is, but I felt a great stirring of compassion for this person, and I felt led to write to him. I got a PO Box for this sort of communication for when I didn't want people to know my address. I spent weeks thinking about and praying for this person, imagining what a correspondence with him would be like. He wrote back and said thank you for my letter, but I have yet to hear from him again, which I find sad. I wonder what God's purpose was...Did He really have one or was it just something that was from my own heart? Does God still want to do something here?
One night, at about 3 AM, I had a scary and moving experience. I had earlier prayed a prayer that was somewhat unique for me. I asked God to help me to be available to Him, if He needed me for something, or if someone else needed me. There's an old Petra song called "I Am Available". Well, it was raining hard and I was out on the deck with this big red umbrella. I live next to a school, and across the parking lot and on the other side of the school, I began to hear this horrendous screaming. It was coming from a young man. He was just crying out in these loud, anguished bursts. Soon I saw him emerge from around the corner, coming in my direction. Though it was raining hard, he had no shirt. And he was just still screaming repeatedly. I wondered what could be wrong? What if he had been stabbed? Maybe it was a bad drug trip. I had never seen anyone in this state. I wanted to do something. I started to pray. But, my friends, now is when you wish you had discernment like the heroes of the Bible, where you could hear God's voice audibly. What do I do, God?!?!?! I could have turned on the light and he would have seen me in the distance holding the big red umbrella. I could have shouted, "What's wrong?" I could have gone to him. But I hid because I was afraid of him seeing me. And I let him pass our block and continue down the neighborhood, screaming. I prayed some more. Soon the police came, obviously having been called by someone. That someone should have been me. I don't know if they found him. I don't know what was wrong or if he is okay.
If I failed that test, maybe I passed a different one. I was searching Craigslist ads and I came across one that announced its poster was going to kill himself. He added a link to his blog site, which I went to and on it, there was a video explaining why he was going to kill himself. Panic sets in. God, what do I do? I asked my parents for advice, and eventually I called 911. They never called me back; I don't know what they found when they investigated. The video blog was deleted, and then re-posted several hours later. When I saw it had been re-posted, I wondered if I was supposed to call 911 again. I didn't. Kept praying. I posted a comment to his blog that said something like, "God loves you and so do I...contact me." But soon after, that blog was deleted as well, and there's been nothing on that blog site since.
I don't always give money to people who ask for it, as I'm walking the streets of downtown Portland on my way to the bus stop. But one day, a man asked, and I felt that I should. And his response was of such surprise and gratitude, it warmed my heart. "Wait a minute," he said. "You're supposed to ignore me. You're supposed to keep walking by." He acted like I was the most generous person in the world for giving him a dollar or something. (I don't think I had a lot more than that in my pocket, and I had to get home myself.) And coming away, I had to thank God for giving me that chance because I felt like, "God, you did not make that happen for him, you made it happen for ME!"
I started taking walks last fall. Well, I had a lot of time on my hands. Sometimes during these walks I'd talk to myself, and often, I'd talk to God. We had some heated discussions. I said some things I shouldn't have. I asked forgiveness, and then He would speak to my heart. I noticed things about the beauty of nature that I had not noticed before, at least not as much. The many different vibrant shades of the fall leaves, for instance. And sunsets. I was in awe of how lovely God's earth is. And then when the snow and ice storms came, I was actually happy because it was something we don't experience that often here, and I went out and felt like a little kid walking through the snowy fields. It was bliss.
Lastly, I thank God for my friends Holly and Michael. They helped me through a hard time, and I love them.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Welcome & Disclaimer
This is my new blog. It deals particularly with my spiritual walk. I am interested in sharing my personal thoughts about God and faith, and my personal experiences and testimonies with other Christians, as well as those of my friends who just might be interested in knowing about these things. I suppose some might feel it's self-absorbed or prideful to talk about these things, but my hope is that it will inspire mutual sharing with my readers. I know that we're not supposed to focus on ourselves but on God...But I think sometimes we need to help each other.
Now I feel that it is very important for me to state some things which could be called disclaimers. Although I go to a church, I don't claim to represent that congregation and everyone in it and all its views 100% of the time. I am an individual, and I have some of my own views, which may not match those of other Christians, including those reading this blog. I admit that some of my views may be wrong or contrary to Biblical teaching. We all err sometimes, and it is my ultimate goal to make sure that my views do align with what God says. If anyone believes that I am in error and wants to correct me, I only ask that you do so prayerfully, so that I may hear what God wants you to say to me, and not just your own viewpoint. I will do the same for you.
Although this is a Christian blog and I'm not likely to use swear words or anything like that, I want to caution parents that it is not meant for children. I'm 35, I don't have kids, and my issues and struggles are very grown up. I'm sure that most of you guys screen what they see on the computer anyway.
I think one of the reasons I want to do this blog is just as another means to connect with others. I tend to be a fairly shy person, not very outspoken, and sometimes I get lost in the crowd. Sometimes I don't share good and valuable things that I have to share because I feel too anxious or invisible. Well, rather than fretting about how I'm not enough a part of things, I figured I should utilize my skills, which pertain to the written word. I'm much more articulate that way, and probably more honest too.
So let me now tell you a little bit about me. Some already know this stuff, so they can skim. I was raised in a Christian family, and so even though you do have that moment of accountability where you accept Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior, I have always been a believer. When I was quite young, I was in love with Jesus. I saw Him once in person, up in the clouds on a park bench where He met me...Now, this could be called a dream or a vision, but I tend to believe it was real. I'm not sure how easily I can convey in words what He said because He spoke to my heart, not so much words in my head.
My family went to Oregon City Assembly of God in the late 70's and early 80's. We stopped going for reasons that I can't quite remember. I believe it was something political. And for the next several years, our version of church was watching Jimmy Swaggart on TV on Sunday morning, and let me tell you that was torture! I have been warned not to speak against God's anointed ministers, but let me just say that there are some like Swaggart and John Hagee today whose ministries just clash very hard with my own spirit, and it's difficult to imagine learning from them. I don't doubt that they have helped many to be brought to the Lord, but as some people are allergic to certain foods which are greatly beneficial to others, I have a spiritual allergy to certain types of ministry. I could say more, but I won't.
In the late 90's I began to have a number of psychological and emotional problems, ranging from severe depression to anxiety and OCD. I sought help but at the time, not much was known about what I was going through. As a family, we decided that it was time to return to fellowship with other Christians. (I mean my mom and I did.) We decided to go to New Hope Community Church in Clackamas. It was kind of an arbitrary decision, influenced by that big glowing cross that you can see driving by on the freeway. It was like Christ Himself beckoning us. I joined the youth group and was pretty happy there, although I did not make the social connections I wanted. My mother was NOT happy because I think she just didn't feel like the adult services came "alive" for her. And I can testify to feeling the same way because I did attend a couple of them.
That was 1989, and the following year, we moved on to a different church, much smaller and more "charismatic" called Christian Life Church, and the pastor there helped me with a lot of the mental problems I was suffering from. But there was a limit to what he could do, so I started seeing a Christian counselor at Ring of Fire Ministries, and I saw her for a few months until she also decided that she could do no more. I saw a man who was in the field of deliverance, but he decided he could not perform deliverance on me, because I was unwilling to make certain changes in my life at that point in time. I was still in high school. He didn't even want me to listen to Christian rock. Later, we switched churches again to Harvest Christian Center, which also was very small and "charismatic". (I don't mean to say, by putting that word in quotes, that I don't believe in the gifts of the Spirit; I guess I don't know why I'm putting it in quotes except to point out that it's a label.) I tried to receive counseling from the pastor there, and had a horrendous experience, and from that point, I was done with church...until 2009.
During those interim years, I drifted away, not from the faith, but from any attempt at obedience. I still believed in God, still prayed every day, still talked to God like my best friend, and indeed, He was. But I was not following Him. Last fall, I reached another crisis point, and I realized--as in 1989--that the only solution was to draw closer to Him by reading His word and by seeking out fellowship. My experiences at New Hope, twenty years later, would lead me to the group I'm now a part of, Won By One.
What about all those problems I had in high school? Well, they have come and gone over the years. I have had times in my life where I was mostly free from them, but now is not one such time. Depression, anxiety, mental confusion, OCD, paranoid delusions, and addictive & self-destructive behaviors are all things that I've been struggling with. I know without a doubt that Jesus is the answer for these issues, but I just don't know exactly what that looks like. I believe in divine healing, but I've not witnessed it and my faith in that area is weak.
But strangely, more than those issues, I am focused on trying to be a part of this body, and contribute as best I can. This blog is called Love One Another because that is what I want to do here and now with this group, share God's love and be there for anyone who needs help. Yes, if anyone has a need and thinks that I may be of service, please contact me. I invite everyone to share their thoughts and leave comments or ask questions. Please let's not argue though. Remember the title of this blog, which is one of the last commandments that Christ gave before dying on the cross. This blog is about my personal journey, but I don't want to take this journey alone. I hope to find out I have some things in common with a few folks; right now it doesn't seem so. For instance, everyone is married with kids. There are things about my life and who I am that are so different from what's considered "good, normal Christian", and that's one of the reasons I've resisted church for so long. Will I fit in? You say "Of course!" and open your arms, but realize I've never really fit in anywhere (except maybe Theatre) and people try to receive me but ultimately find it tough. Or maybe it's just me and my insecurity. One of my personal goals is to write a Christmas play (it's sort of been commissioned by my dad), and I hope to bring some other people in on it, and see if we might find a venue to perform it. I welcome ideas.
Well, that's enough for now, I guess. I don't even know if anyone will read this. Love and prayers for all who do!
Now I feel that it is very important for me to state some things which could be called disclaimers. Although I go to a church, I don't claim to represent that congregation and everyone in it and all its views 100% of the time. I am an individual, and I have some of my own views, which may not match those of other Christians, including those reading this blog. I admit that some of my views may be wrong or contrary to Biblical teaching. We all err sometimes, and it is my ultimate goal to make sure that my views do align with what God says. If anyone believes that I am in error and wants to correct me, I only ask that you do so prayerfully, so that I may hear what God wants you to say to me, and not just your own viewpoint. I will do the same for you.
Although this is a Christian blog and I'm not likely to use swear words or anything like that, I want to caution parents that it is not meant for children. I'm 35, I don't have kids, and my issues and struggles are very grown up. I'm sure that most of you guys screen what they see on the computer anyway.
I think one of the reasons I want to do this blog is just as another means to connect with others. I tend to be a fairly shy person, not very outspoken, and sometimes I get lost in the crowd. Sometimes I don't share good and valuable things that I have to share because I feel too anxious or invisible. Well, rather than fretting about how I'm not enough a part of things, I figured I should utilize my skills, which pertain to the written word. I'm much more articulate that way, and probably more honest too.
So let me now tell you a little bit about me. Some already know this stuff, so they can skim. I was raised in a Christian family, and so even though you do have that moment of accountability where you accept Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior, I have always been a believer. When I was quite young, I was in love with Jesus. I saw Him once in person, up in the clouds on a park bench where He met me...Now, this could be called a dream or a vision, but I tend to believe it was real. I'm not sure how easily I can convey in words what He said because He spoke to my heart, not so much words in my head.
My family went to Oregon City Assembly of God in the late 70's and early 80's. We stopped going for reasons that I can't quite remember. I believe it was something political. And for the next several years, our version of church was watching Jimmy Swaggart on TV on Sunday morning, and let me tell you that was torture! I have been warned not to speak against God's anointed ministers, but let me just say that there are some like Swaggart and John Hagee today whose ministries just clash very hard with my own spirit, and it's difficult to imagine learning from them. I don't doubt that they have helped many to be brought to the Lord, but as some people are allergic to certain foods which are greatly beneficial to others, I have a spiritual allergy to certain types of ministry. I could say more, but I won't.
In the late 90's I began to have a number of psychological and emotional problems, ranging from severe depression to anxiety and OCD. I sought help but at the time, not much was known about what I was going through. As a family, we decided that it was time to return to fellowship with other Christians. (I mean my mom and I did.) We decided to go to New Hope Community Church in Clackamas. It was kind of an arbitrary decision, influenced by that big glowing cross that you can see driving by on the freeway. It was like Christ Himself beckoning us. I joined the youth group and was pretty happy there, although I did not make the social connections I wanted. My mother was NOT happy because I think she just didn't feel like the adult services came "alive" for her. And I can testify to feeling the same way because I did attend a couple of them.
That was 1989, and the following year, we moved on to a different church, much smaller and more "charismatic" called Christian Life Church, and the pastor there helped me with a lot of the mental problems I was suffering from. But there was a limit to what he could do, so I started seeing a Christian counselor at Ring of Fire Ministries, and I saw her for a few months until she also decided that she could do no more. I saw a man who was in the field of deliverance, but he decided he could not perform deliverance on me, because I was unwilling to make certain changes in my life at that point in time. I was still in high school. He didn't even want me to listen to Christian rock. Later, we switched churches again to Harvest Christian Center, which also was very small and "charismatic". (I don't mean to say, by putting that word in quotes, that I don't believe in the gifts of the Spirit; I guess I don't know why I'm putting it in quotes except to point out that it's a label.) I tried to receive counseling from the pastor there, and had a horrendous experience, and from that point, I was done with church...until 2009.
During those interim years, I drifted away, not from the faith, but from any attempt at obedience. I still believed in God, still prayed every day, still talked to God like my best friend, and indeed, He was. But I was not following Him. Last fall, I reached another crisis point, and I realized--as in 1989--that the only solution was to draw closer to Him by reading His word and by seeking out fellowship. My experiences at New Hope, twenty years later, would lead me to the group I'm now a part of, Won By One.
What about all those problems I had in high school? Well, they have come and gone over the years. I have had times in my life where I was mostly free from them, but now is not one such time. Depression, anxiety, mental confusion, OCD, paranoid delusions, and addictive & self-destructive behaviors are all things that I've been struggling with. I know without a doubt that Jesus is the answer for these issues, but I just don't know exactly what that looks like. I believe in divine healing, but I've not witnessed it and my faith in that area is weak.
But strangely, more than those issues, I am focused on trying to be a part of this body, and contribute as best I can. This blog is called Love One Another because that is what I want to do here and now with this group, share God's love and be there for anyone who needs help. Yes, if anyone has a need and thinks that I may be of service, please contact me. I invite everyone to share their thoughts and leave comments or ask questions. Please let's not argue though. Remember the title of this blog, which is one of the last commandments that Christ gave before dying on the cross. This blog is about my personal journey, but I don't want to take this journey alone. I hope to find out I have some things in common with a few folks; right now it doesn't seem so. For instance, everyone is married with kids. There are things about my life and who I am that are so different from what's considered "good, normal Christian", and that's one of the reasons I've resisted church for so long. Will I fit in? You say "Of course!" and open your arms, but realize I've never really fit in anywhere (except maybe Theatre) and people try to receive me but ultimately find it tough. Or maybe it's just me and my insecurity. One of my personal goals is to write a Christmas play (it's sort of been commissioned by my dad), and I hope to bring some other people in on it, and see if we might find a venue to perform it. I welcome ideas.
Well, that's enough for now, I guess. I don't even know if anyone will read this. Love and prayers for all who do!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
