It was called "Wannabe" and it was all about a teenage outcast who nobody liked. Then he gets a strategy to find some acceptance but it backfires and his social life gets 100 times worse. What was the strategy that backfired? Treating someone else badly, the way he was treated. This reminds me of the talk that my math & science teacher had with me when I was in junior high. (I'm sure I have already written about this before so I'll be brief.) I didn't believe him when he said people teased me because they needed to feel better about themselves. But a year later, when things were not AS bad for me (they were still bad though), I took to teasing as part of the group mentality of the people I hung out with. It's my biggest regret in my school years.
I honestly don't think there was anything I could have done back then to be accepted. There were just things about me that people liked to find fault with. Any time I tried to act differently, dress differently, talk back to the bullies, it just made things worse. Not that being silent helped. But because they had me convinced I was a loser, I stayed mostly silent and didn't find my "voice" until my second year of college, thanks to theater and creative writing.
That was so long ago, and now I'm about to turn 40 and reflect on all the ways in which I have changed and matured over the years. But...well, wait a minute...um....
Last week was as stupid as my years in junior high. I get this idea to have this big birthday weekend on the coast and invite a whole bunch of people. I was gonna max out my credit card on this awesome ocean-front property, and we were gonna party like it was 2099. So I sent out all these invites and I'm so excited cos I've never done anything like this before. And I wait. And wait some more.
Some people respond that they're busy. Well, that's fine, I can't blame them for that, nor do I have any reason to feel bad about myself for it. Some people say they can come for an afternoon. Well, that's all right, but not as cool as a whole weekend. A few commit to the weekend, but like any good cocktail, you have to have the right mix. I had some of the ingredients I needed, but not all. I pressed those people who hadn't responded yet after a few days. And they still didn't respond. And that, my friends, is when I was transported back to the 7th grade. I would not have been able to generate a lot of interest in a party for myself back then either.
(By the way, I know I'm changing tenses a lot. Sorry.)
And my feeling is this: it is hurtful if you don't want to come to my gathering, but it's understandable. Perhaps I wouldn't want to come to yours either. But what drives me nuts is people not responding. Well, that settles it. I'm deleting all non-responders from my friends list!
But probably not really. Cos I've always felt desperate for friends, that's the problem. I don't demand respect because some part of me must feel I'm not worthy of it, and I should just be happy that the people are in my life at all.
Now, of course, this being a Christian-themed blog, the normal tendency would be to start discussing my identity in Christ, and how He created and loves me perfectly, just as I am. Well, although that is true, it doesn't always feel like a consolation when you're looking for validation from other human beings. What do I know? I know I can't be something other than what I am. I know that need and insecurity are turn-offs. That's why whenever I post something too self-pitying on FB, I usually come to my senses and delete it after a few minutes. (This forum is different though; I'm trying to process here.)
How do we, as human beings, get a sense of validation? How do we become comfortable with who we are? Some of us have a relationship with God, which offers both encouragement and perspective. Others have family who instill confidence in their kin by how they love them and nurture them. Others have friends who can tell them how awesome they are. Well, guess what? I have all those things, and I still feel chronically rejected most of the time. Where does this come from?
Robyn Hitchcock says, "If you don't love yourself, what's the use of someone else loving you?" I'm sure he's not the first to express that notion. The Bible tells us to love ourselves. But what does that mean, how does it manifest? I know people care about me, but if my search for validation doesn't begin with myself (for I already know I have it with God), will I ever stop being disappointed by others?
