As I sit here on a cold October evening, drinking Crown Royal, waiting for it to warm my insides, I think not about what's now referred to as "climate change" and is a source of great debate among scientists, politicians, and skeptics, but rather on the real global warming, which is NOT happening, at least not in my perception, a warming of all men's hearts towards each other.
As evidence of this non-trend, look inside my own heart. I am ANGRY at those who have publicly declined to see my show, FOREVER PLAID. I want to yell at them, or worse. I must take it as a personal rejection, even though deep down, I know it's not. Maybe musicals or even theatre are simply not their cup of tea. Isn't that okay??? It should be. But I have so much built up hurt from over the years being rejected by various different people, that everything starts to feel like a rejection, even when it's not. So I believe in "loving one another"...as long as they see my show.
Then there's everyone I've tried to be friends with who weren't interested. I've covered this before, so I'm not going to belabor it, but what about the people in my church who are supposed to reach out in love toward one another, but they just seem to refuse to acknowledge me. That's not nice, that's not Christian!!! My heart freezes...
But have I always been available to everyone in need? Have I never rejected anyone?
I'm a deeply touchy-feely type person, but you wouldn't know it from the way I behave. It's hard to be gay and affectionate because you worry that straight folks will think you're being inappropriate with them. I had a heck of a time trying to convince my actors in the current show to go ahead and be affectionate with each other, that it was okay because it didn't mean they were gay...But I didn't push the issue nearly as much as I would have had I not been gay myself and not feared being misunderstood or accused of something improper.
If I could, I would hug nearly everyone I meet, unless they seemed unclean or unhealthy. But I end up doing the opposite. I don't hug anybody. God forbid someone gets the wrong idea. I love people, but I don't act like it. Instead I try to use wit to make people like me. And I used to ask for help, but now I realize that our society just sees you as weak and pathetic if you do.
But actually this entry wasn't supposed to be a bunch of complaining. I have a lot to be thankful for. God is a hearer of our prayers, and He is also an answerer. Kind of a funny way of putting it, I guess, but that's how it is written in my heart. Most of my life, I didn't really know this. Well sure, if you're a believer, you think that He cares about your food and clothing and shelter. But are you telling me He cares about desires too? YES!!!!!!!!!!!!
And some of that is too personal to write here, but I'll use the play as an example of something that was given to me that brought me out of a period of isolation that I had been in for over a year. It was just what I needed. Of course the down side of directing, as I've learned from the many shows I've done, is that once the show opens, there's kind of a split between you the director, and everyone else. The show is put in their hands, and at the same time, you're not really part of the group anymore, you feel like they're done with you. I've pretty much had that in every show I've ever done. You see the cast's camaraderie and wish you were a part of that, but you're sort of not. But that doesn't mean I want to be an actor! Directing is in my blood. And I just LOVE this group. If any of them is reading this, know you've helped my life to be better in the last couple months.
(Taking a drink) Oh, my ice has melted...
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
The Ugly Truth
Ah, let us close our eyes and think of a bygone era in which doors didn't have to be locked at night, a man helped his neighbor, and no grudges were held.
But in 2009, our culture has become so self-absorbed and we believe that we are entitled to a perfect, struggle-free life, and anyone who gets in the way of that better be ready to pay up. The latest? Former Miss California Carrie Prejean who had her 15 minutes of fame when she answered a question in a non-politically correct fashion at the Miss USA Pageant several months ago. She is now suing for discrimination, claiming that she was persecuted for her expressed beliefs. When all this originally went down, I was hit with a flood of different contrasting emotions and it was hard to get a handle on everything that I was feeling. It was also hard to keep anger in check.
Let's start at the beginning. You have Miss Prejean, Miss California standing on a stage being questioned by queer muckraker Perez Hilton about whether states should allow same-sex marriage. Well, Prejean stated that in fact, no, they shouldn't, that marriage should be between a man and a woman. This is a commonly held belief among Christians. Now, there are some important points that need to be made right from the start. #1 - That question never should have been asked in a setting like a Miss USA pageant. It is such a polarizing issue that the person being asked is really in a no-win situation. She will offend millions, no matter how she answers. All Hilton was doing was stirring up trouble, and he knew it. That was compounded by his hateful blog entry later when he called her terrible names and assaulted her character. Point #2 - Having been asked that question, she had a right to answer in whatever way was honest and from the heart. She was not wrong for answering the way she did.
Following this, Prejean and Hilton made the same mistake, oddly enough. Hilton claimed that her answer was the reason she lost the Miss USA pageant, and Prejean essentially agreed with him. Okay, never mind that we have a perfectly good candidate who did win, presumably on her own merits. What, are we now saying she was a dog and didn't deserve to win? That is extremely disrespectful. And Hilton only hurt the gay rights cause by making such a stink, because he has given Prejean a political platform that she did not have before. He's given her a soapbox to stand on. She started appearing in TV ads against gay marriage. She went on FOX news telling her sob story and how much of a victim she was. She gained passionate supporters in people like Hannity and O'Reilley. Thanks Perez, for elevating her to almost martyr status. Good job!
Then she lost her Miss California crown, and there's debate about why that is. She says it's because of her beliefs. The Miss California officials claim it's because she didn't do her job. I tend to believe the officials. So now Prejean is on a rampage to clear her good name and be compensated for how she's been wronged.
But is that what Christ did? He was brought before the court and people said vile things about Him, spat on Him, whipped Him, beat Him, calling Him a blasphemer. Did He say, "No, you're wrong, I am being unjustly persecuted"? No, He did not, because He knew that the task that was required of Him also required His silence.
Paul and other apostles were imprisoned for spreading the Gospel of Christ. They weren't doing anything wrong, but in that day and age, the Gospel could get you killed. Yet they remained steadfast and determined to spread the Good News at any cost. They didn't have the option of suing those who spoke against them or threw them in prison. And the way they endured their trials with grace and love glorified Christ.
The Word of God says we'll suffer and be persecuted for His sake. Sadly, American society is becoming more and more like that old ancient hedonistic Roman one where Christian thinking and values are looked on with disgust. How will we deal with the rising tide of secular humanism and all its attempts to banish God from our culture? Do we go to court? See, it just seems to me that such a road is divisive and ultimately harmful to the cause. The reason I said I was so emotional about the whole pageant thing is because as a Christian, it breaks my heart to think that our right of free speech could be taken away. But as a gay man, it breaks my heart to hear a Christian speak with such startling lack of empathy and compassion. So the war rages on. If you offend me, we must fight, or take each other to court. Jesus said turn the other cheek. He was not being cute; he really, really meant it.
But I know the problem with anger. Just last night, I had a real struggle with anger as I was confronted with a situation in my play rehearsals that I felt was unfair, and it took hours to sort of cool off, but not before I made myself look like kind of an ass in front of the other people involved. When I was working at Kmart, there were people who "made my blood boil" by accusing me of not working hard enough, not doing my job properly, and I got so mad, I complained to management. Did that solve anything? Not really. I believe Jesus would have said to pray for that co-worker, to be kind to her, to listen to her, to ask her how I could help her out more.
Anger is a poison. It is associated with deep wounds that we all have. When we get our feelings hurt, we tend to respond in anger much of the time. I believe that Prejean's anti-gay publicity tour following the pageant was a result of her being lashed out at, and she felt like she had to defend herself. Who started the war? Who shed first blood? It wasn't her. But once the war started, she fought, fought, fought, like her dignity and even her very identity depended on it. We all do that.
Christians and gays, raise the white flag. Gays, the diversity symbolized by your beloved rainbow is represented as much by people of faith as by anyone else. And Christians, you've been called not to defend yourselves but to take up your cross and live the life of Jesus, which was marked by endless love for others and personal sacrifice.
But in 2009, our culture has become so self-absorbed and we believe that we are entitled to a perfect, struggle-free life, and anyone who gets in the way of that better be ready to pay up. The latest? Former Miss California Carrie Prejean who had her 15 minutes of fame when she answered a question in a non-politically correct fashion at the Miss USA Pageant several months ago. She is now suing for discrimination, claiming that she was persecuted for her expressed beliefs. When all this originally went down, I was hit with a flood of different contrasting emotions and it was hard to get a handle on everything that I was feeling. It was also hard to keep anger in check.
Let's start at the beginning. You have Miss Prejean, Miss California standing on a stage being questioned by queer muckraker Perez Hilton about whether states should allow same-sex marriage. Well, Prejean stated that in fact, no, they shouldn't, that marriage should be between a man and a woman. This is a commonly held belief among Christians. Now, there are some important points that need to be made right from the start. #1 - That question never should have been asked in a setting like a Miss USA pageant. It is such a polarizing issue that the person being asked is really in a no-win situation. She will offend millions, no matter how she answers. All Hilton was doing was stirring up trouble, and he knew it. That was compounded by his hateful blog entry later when he called her terrible names and assaulted her character. Point #2 - Having been asked that question, she had a right to answer in whatever way was honest and from the heart. She was not wrong for answering the way she did.
Following this, Prejean and Hilton made the same mistake, oddly enough. Hilton claimed that her answer was the reason she lost the Miss USA pageant, and Prejean essentially agreed with him. Okay, never mind that we have a perfectly good candidate who did win, presumably on her own merits. What, are we now saying she was a dog and didn't deserve to win? That is extremely disrespectful. And Hilton only hurt the gay rights cause by making such a stink, because he has given Prejean a political platform that she did not have before. He's given her a soapbox to stand on. She started appearing in TV ads against gay marriage. She went on FOX news telling her sob story and how much of a victim she was. She gained passionate supporters in people like Hannity and O'Reilley. Thanks Perez, for elevating her to almost martyr status. Good job!
Then she lost her Miss California crown, and there's debate about why that is. She says it's because of her beliefs. The Miss California officials claim it's because she didn't do her job. I tend to believe the officials. So now Prejean is on a rampage to clear her good name and be compensated for how she's been wronged.
But is that what Christ did? He was brought before the court and people said vile things about Him, spat on Him, whipped Him, beat Him, calling Him a blasphemer. Did He say, "No, you're wrong, I am being unjustly persecuted"? No, He did not, because He knew that the task that was required of Him also required His silence.
Paul and other apostles were imprisoned for spreading the Gospel of Christ. They weren't doing anything wrong, but in that day and age, the Gospel could get you killed. Yet they remained steadfast and determined to spread the Good News at any cost. They didn't have the option of suing those who spoke against them or threw them in prison. And the way they endured their trials with grace and love glorified Christ.
The Word of God says we'll suffer and be persecuted for His sake. Sadly, American society is becoming more and more like that old ancient hedonistic Roman one where Christian thinking and values are looked on with disgust. How will we deal with the rising tide of secular humanism and all its attempts to banish God from our culture? Do we go to court? See, it just seems to me that such a road is divisive and ultimately harmful to the cause. The reason I said I was so emotional about the whole pageant thing is because as a Christian, it breaks my heart to think that our right of free speech could be taken away. But as a gay man, it breaks my heart to hear a Christian speak with such startling lack of empathy and compassion. So the war rages on. If you offend me, we must fight, or take each other to court. Jesus said turn the other cheek. He was not being cute; he really, really meant it.
But I know the problem with anger. Just last night, I had a real struggle with anger as I was confronted with a situation in my play rehearsals that I felt was unfair, and it took hours to sort of cool off, but not before I made myself look like kind of an ass in front of the other people involved. When I was working at Kmart, there were people who "made my blood boil" by accusing me of not working hard enough, not doing my job properly, and I got so mad, I complained to management. Did that solve anything? Not really. I believe Jesus would have said to pray for that co-worker, to be kind to her, to listen to her, to ask her how I could help her out more.
Anger is a poison. It is associated with deep wounds that we all have. When we get our feelings hurt, we tend to respond in anger much of the time. I believe that Prejean's anti-gay publicity tour following the pageant was a result of her being lashed out at, and she felt like she had to defend herself. Who started the war? Who shed first blood? It wasn't her. But once the war started, she fought, fought, fought, like her dignity and even her very identity depended on it. We all do that.
Christians and gays, raise the white flag. Gays, the diversity symbolized by your beloved rainbow is represented as much by people of faith as by anyone else. And Christians, you've been called not to defend yourselves but to take up your cross and live the life of Jesus, which was marked by endless love for others and personal sacrifice.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Give Me A Reason
This weblog is not what I originally intended. And isn't that the way life goes sometimes, when you think you're doing something for a specific reason, but come to find out, it actually serves an entirely different purpose? You make a Big Decision in life cos you think you're Living the Dream, but in reality what you're really doing is learning a lesson about what happens when you go your own way and not ask God for guidance. You think you're going to the store to buy eggs and a loaf of bread, but it's really to help someone out with a flat tire. You don't know that when you're going out the door. You don't know it when you sit at your computer. What does He have in mind? I just know that I don't want all my days to be the same. I want my life to have purpose and direction. Being in tune with God is one of the best feelings there is.
So what I meant by this blog not being what I thought it was is that I meant for it to be read by people at my church, and by other friends who were believers. It hasn't turned out that way. My parents have read some entries, and one of my two blog followers is a Christian, but other than that, it's not fulfilled the purpose that I had in mind when creating it. It was going to be a back and forth flow of ideas between Christians, made up of testimonies and confessed struggles and encouragements. "Oh my brother, you're going through that too? Well, I just want to let you know you're not alone!" This was my vision.
But as I got more and more in depth in terms of the kinds of things I needed to talk about, I found myself desiring more for my non-Christian friends to read it...Not because I'm trying to convert them to Christianity, but because the thoughts and feelings recorded here are truly representative of what's going on in my life, and if they can read that, the idea is that they would better understand who I am and why I do some of the crazy things I do. Of course if they thought about Jesus too as a result, I could not complain.
Every Christian is brought up to recognize the importance of witnessing to non-believers. We're taught that Hell is a real place, an eternal torment. And so Christians reach out in love to people who don't want to hear it, people who don't really appreciate that the Jesus Freak is just trying to prevent them from suffering. And of course much of the time, it doesn't sound like love, it just sounds like condemnation. It sounds like "I'm holier than thou." And it's not supposed to be that way.
Of course, I have been a terrible witness most of my life. Oh, when I was a child, I had that wonderful green T-shirt with the painting of Christ on it that said, "I believe in miracles." And, you know, my third grade classmates actually really dug that shirt. But since then...Forget about it!!!
I became selfish, like every teenager and then young adult. I became full of lust, again like every teen and young adult male. I discovered alcohol...not that alcohol in itself is bad, but when you want to get wasted all the time, it's a signal that something might be wrong. I developed a love for violent imagery and coarse language in movies, TV, music, and literature. Of course being gay, I was estranged from the church. So generally the friends I made from junior high on were not Christians. I became an obsessively needy and dependant person...but it wasn't God I was leaning on, it was people who didn't even care about me. I developed anger management issues. I refused to take care of myself physically, emotionally, spiritually, just let myself go, indulged only in what felt good, never took the time to do anything healthy or productive. I let fear guide my choices and keep me from doing what was important. I followed my own heart's desires, not caring what was truly good for me or for the other people in my life, or what plan God might have for me. And, you know, I say all these things in the past tense, but don't think for a minute that I am through with all these issues. Christ has overcome the world; I, on the other hand, am still working on it.
But admitting your faith is hard. It is extremely important, but it is difficult, even more so than being openly gay. At least, in the circles I've hung out with, people are much more likely to embrace a gay person with open arms than a Christian. "Christians are hypocrites," they say. I say, yes they are, but so is everyone. It is part of human nature.
No one has ever asked me why I'm a Christian. That may be a good thing, because I don't know if I would have the right words to explain. But I want to try. And please, if this is really lame, know that I will be able to articulate it better someday.
You start with upbringing. You're raised to believe a certain way, and if you really believe what you're told, it's kind of hard to un-believe it. But that's only the beginning. Because you do reach a point in your life where you have to choose whether to continue in that faith. I think some people don't consciously make a choice, but their faith fades from them over time like colors in the wash. You ask them if they're a Christian and they say, "Uh, yeah I guess so" because that's how they were raised but they don't have a full, interactive relationship with God.
Having a relationship with God takes effort, because you have to think about what you're doing, and when God speaks to your heart that you have done something wrong, you have to ask forgiveness. You have to try to live in a way that reflects God's righteousness, and "die to self". But if you're like me, you get into this routine of just doing whatever you want whenever you want and then just asking for forgiveness afterward, and thinking everything is okay, but it's not because you're grieving God and damaging your relationship with Him.
So why go to the trouble? Is it just cos you don't want to burn in Hell? Well, that's a good question. I believe that Fire-&-Brimstone teaching as a method of bringing people to Christ is problematic to say the least. The reason is that people do not get a glimpse of just how loving God really is; they see Him as pretty harsh and mean to throw people in Hell...Where's the love? I thought God was love.
Well, all you have to do to know about God's love is to study the life (and death) of Jesus Christ. He is definitely the counterpoint to that whole Hell business, because God doesn't really want people to be lost. If you don't believe me, just look closely at everything that Christ did: the perfect paradise He came from, coming down to live in this cesspool (compared to Heaven), living a life of humility, being rejected by those He came to minister to, resisting all sin and temptation, and ultimately suffering and dying to receive our punishment for sins so that we don't have to worry about that afore-mentioned tormented destiny.
When you have a relationship with Him, and you talk to Him, and He talks to you (I don't mean in an audible voice, although that's not impossible), you can feel His love for you in your heart. You realize that you may not understand everything about the nature and character of God, but he tells you what you need to know. He listens. He answers. He is always there; there is no one else in the universe who is always there for you. You can reach out and touch Him. Indeed, if you are in Christ, He is literally in you. And you realize that He has a purpose for you...Oh, and He also cares about your desires too, even if some of 'em are not His will. You can come to Him with anything and everything that is on your heart and mind, and I believe He will address it. Sometimes it takes time though, and that's where faith comes in.
I like knowing that there's Someone who knows me inside and out, Someone I can't lie to, Someone I can never hide from, Someone who always knows where I am, what I'm thinking, how I'm feeling, what I'm doing, what I'm going to do, what I want, what I need...And this person who is so privy to my private life happens to love me more than I can even imagine and wants what's best for me.
But is that why I believe? Is that my answer about why to follow Christ? Hmm...I really can only speak for myself. I just can't imagine being without Him.
So what I meant by this blog not being what I thought it was is that I meant for it to be read by people at my church, and by other friends who were believers. It hasn't turned out that way. My parents have read some entries, and one of my two blog followers is a Christian, but other than that, it's not fulfilled the purpose that I had in mind when creating it. It was going to be a back and forth flow of ideas between Christians, made up of testimonies and confessed struggles and encouragements. "Oh my brother, you're going through that too? Well, I just want to let you know you're not alone!" This was my vision.
But as I got more and more in depth in terms of the kinds of things I needed to talk about, I found myself desiring more for my non-Christian friends to read it...Not because I'm trying to convert them to Christianity, but because the thoughts and feelings recorded here are truly representative of what's going on in my life, and if they can read that, the idea is that they would better understand who I am and why I do some of the crazy things I do. Of course if they thought about Jesus too as a result, I could not complain.
Every Christian is brought up to recognize the importance of witnessing to non-believers. We're taught that Hell is a real place, an eternal torment. And so Christians reach out in love to people who don't want to hear it, people who don't really appreciate that the Jesus Freak is just trying to prevent them from suffering. And of course much of the time, it doesn't sound like love, it just sounds like condemnation. It sounds like "I'm holier than thou." And it's not supposed to be that way.
Of course, I have been a terrible witness most of my life. Oh, when I was a child, I had that wonderful green T-shirt with the painting of Christ on it that said, "I believe in miracles." And, you know, my third grade classmates actually really dug that shirt. But since then...Forget about it!!!
I became selfish, like every teenager and then young adult. I became full of lust, again like every teen and young adult male. I discovered alcohol...not that alcohol in itself is bad, but when you want to get wasted all the time, it's a signal that something might be wrong. I developed a love for violent imagery and coarse language in movies, TV, music, and literature. Of course being gay, I was estranged from the church. So generally the friends I made from junior high on were not Christians. I became an obsessively needy and dependant person...but it wasn't God I was leaning on, it was people who didn't even care about me. I developed anger management issues. I refused to take care of myself physically, emotionally, spiritually, just let myself go, indulged only in what felt good, never took the time to do anything healthy or productive. I let fear guide my choices and keep me from doing what was important. I followed my own heart's desires, not caring what was truly good for me or for the other people in my life, or what plan God might have for me. And, you know, I say all these things in the past tense, but don't think for a minute that I am through with all these issues. Christ has overcome the world; I, on the other hand, am still working on it.
But admitting your faith is hard. It is extremely important, but it is difficult, even more so than being openly gay. At least, in the circles I've hung out with, people are much more likely to embrace a gay person with open arms than a Christian. "Christians are hypocrites," they say. I say, yes they are, but so is everyone. It is part of human nature.
No one has ever asked me why I'm a Christian. That may be a good thing, because I don't know if I would have the right words to explain. But I want to try. And please, if this is really lame, know that I will be able to articulate it better someday.
You start with upbringing. You're raised to believe a certain way, and if you really believe what you're told, it's kind of hard to un-believe it. But that's only the beginning. Because you do reach a point in your life where you have to choose whether to continue in that faith. I think some people don't consciously make a choice, but their faith fades from them over time like colors in the wash. You ask them if they're a Christian and they say, "Uh, yeah I guess so" because that's how they were raised but they don't have a full, interactive relationship with God.
Having a relationship with God takes effort, because you have to think about what you're doing, and when God speaks to your heart that you have done something wrong, you have to ask forgiveness. You have to try to live in a way that reflects God's righteousness, and "die to self". But if you're like me, you get into this routine of just doing whatever you want whenever you want and then just asking for forgiveness afterward, and thinking everything is okay, but it's not because you're grieving God and damaging your relationship with Him.
So why go to the trouble? Is it just cos you don't want to burn in Hell? Well, that's a good question. I believe that Fire-&-Brimstone teaching as a method of bringing people to Christ is problematic to say the least. The reason is that people do not get a glimpse of just how loving God really is; they see Him as pretty harsh and mean to throw people in Hell...Where's the love? I thought God was love.
Well, all you have to do to know about God's love is to study the life (and death) of Jesus Christ. He is definitely the counterpoint to that whole Hell business, because God doesn't really want people to be lost. If you don't believe me, just look closely at everything that Christ did: the perfect paradise He came from, coming down to live in this cesspool (compared to Heaven), living a life of humility, being rejected by those He came to minister to, resisting all sin and temptation, and ultimately suffering and dying to receive our punishment for sins so that we don't have to worry about that afore-mentioned tormented destiny.
When you have a relationship with Him, and you talk to Him, and He talks to you (I don't mean in an audible voice, although that's not impossible), you can feel His love for you in your heart. You realize that you may not understand everything about the nature and character of God, but he tells you what you need to know. He listens. He answers. He is always there; there is no one else in the universe who is always there for you. You can reach out and touch Him. Indeed, if you are in Christ, He is literally in you. And you realize that He has a purpose for you...Oh, and He also cares about your desires too, even if some of 'em are not His will. You can come to Him with anything and everything that is on your heart and mind, and I believe He will address it. Sometimes it takes time though, and that's where faith comes in.
I like knowing that there's Someone who knows me inside and out, Someone I can't lie to, Someone I can never hide from, Someone who always knows where I am, what I'm thinking, how I'm feeling, what I'm doing, what I'm going to do, what I want, what I need...And this person who is so privy to my private life happens to love me more than I can even imagine and wants what's best for me.
But is that why I believe? Is that my answer about why to follow Christ? Hmm...I really can only speak for myself. I just can't imagine being without Him.
Friday, August 14, 2009
If You Could See Me Now
The title of this entry is also the title of a song I recently wrote, and it does relate, but I won't reprint it here. It's in the MySpace blog if anyone is interested. It's also the name of a Peter Straub novel which I haven't read. I'm sure it's the name for a lot of things. It resonates in an odd way. It is wistful, longing, tinged with either pride or regret. I haven't gone to any high school reunions, and I don't plan to...not unless I change a lot for the better. I worked overnight at the store a couple years ago, and another person on our crew was this 19-year-old punk who bragged about being on meth, and he called me a loser. For working that job. For living with my parents at my age, mid-thirties. For...probably a number of other reasons. I knew that it was wrong for him to say what he did, but I didn't disagree with him. If I had, it wouldn't have hurt so much.
Here's a story I've told many times, but I suppose I'll keep telling it until I figure out whatever it is I'm supposed to learn from it. If it sounds familiar, from my previous entry, you're right. And bits and pieces of many entries before that.
When I was in high school, there was a boy I thought was the most incredible young man on the planet...Surely God's perfect creation. All I wanted was to be friends with him. It never happened, though we had a mutual respect for each other, and did some class stuff together. College saw the same thing happening, still wanted a deep friendship with this person, but never made it happen. Then the time came for him to leave town; he was going away to another college. And after six years of making him an idol (God forgive me), I felt so completely devastated at his coming departure that I was beside myself, wondering what to do. I decided to spill my guts to him, tell him how I felt and see if a friendship could be formed. And what do you know? We were friends, just like that. But I screwed it up. It doesn't matter how...I mean, it does matter, but not for the sake of this blog. He ran from me as from some viral hot zone. And I prayed and prayed to get him back. I said, "God, I put this in YOUR hands. This friendship between me and him, consider it YOURS, grow it, nurture it like something that belongs to YOU."
But one of the hardest things for any Christian to learn is that when you give a matter to God, you must then leave it alone, wait for Him to do what He will do. He may not do what you want Him to do. And I think that's why we make the mistake of taking things back from Him, because we don't trust Him to do OUR will. We know that He will do His own will, but what if that is not what WE want?
This guy would have nothing to do with me. Answered no phone calls or letters. I was dead to him. So what did I do? I moved to the town where he had recently relocated! You know, it's amazing how we can fool ourselves. Oh, I prayed about it. "Dear Lord, should I move to where he is?" Yeah I prayed night and day, but did I wait for an answer? If I had heard an answer, would I have listened? Would I have obeyed? I knew what I wanted to do, and I did it. And the situation became much worse. I was lucky he did not go to the police and get a protective order against me.
After less than three months, I went home to lick my wounds. I knew that all hope was lost. But I kept tabs on him, via the Internet. I kept an eye on what he was up to, not because I was going to DO anything, but just because I wanted to know. He had known that I wanted to become a filmmaker. That was not his ambition, it was mine. But through the years, he got a scholarship in screenwriting, then made some movies, and is now a successful Hollywood screenwriter. I could name drop some of the celebrities that are involved in his projects, but there's no point.
A few days ago, I googled him again and found out that he was wed in Italy a couple years ago. All his family and friends were there...all except...one. Well, no, I mean I'm not his friend anymore. I WAS, but haven't been in almost 15 years. That small mistake I made that made him back away...and the thousand bigger mistakes I made trying to correct the first mistake...That meant that we were not friends, like we would have been. I was not the one to read the rough drafts of his screenplays and tell him what was good and what wasn't. I was not the guy for him to bounce ideas off of. I did not work as part of a crew for any of his movies. And of course I would not be invited to his Italian wedding.
But like everyone else I suppose, I have these "what if...?" moments where I think, "What if I hadn't messed this up?" What if our friendship had survived? How would my life be different today? Would I still live in the house I grew up in? Would I still be financially dependent on others? Would I still be insecure, depressed, lonely, scared, and confused? Or would I have had the tools to solve all these problems? Might I have grown wings and taken flight? If he could see me now...If he could see me now, would he feel disgust or just pity?
I can't blame God for not blessing that friendship. I ruined it all by myself. Maybe I think God should have restrained me somehow, kept me from doing all the dumb things that I did. But He gives us free will. I was not nearly mature enough back then to trust Him and let Him show me how to handle things. And the sad thing is, I'm not a lot more mature now than I was then, although I try. Yes, I try, but I still mess up.
Maybe something terrible would have happened if he and I had continued on the course of friendship that I had wanted. Maybe it would have taken me in a direction away from God. Who knows? I don't envy his life. And I don't regret the experiences I've had as a result of not living that other life. What I regret is just not being a part of his life because I really did love him, and I wanted to be there. And I wanted him to be a part of my life, even if it was a small part. At the wedding, I would have patted him on the shoulder and said how happy I was for him. It would have been the essence of all that I had wanted.
Here's a story I've told many times, but I suppose I'll keep telling it until I figure out whatever it is I'm supposed to learn from it. If it sounds familiar, from my previous entry, you're right. And bits and pieces of many entries before that.
When I was in high school, there was a boy I thought was the most incredible young man on the planet...Surely God's perfect creation. All I wanted was to be friends with him. It never happened, though we had a mutual respect for each other, and did some class stuff together. College saw the same thing happening, still wanted a deep friendship with this person, but never made it happen. Then the time came for him to leave town; he was going away to another college. And after six years of making him an idol (God forgive me), I felt so completely devastated at his coming departure that I was beside myself, wondering what to do. I decided to spill my guts to him, tell him how I felt and see if a friendship could be formed. And what do you know? We were friends, just like that. But I screwed it up. It doesn't matter how...I mean, it does matter, but not for the sake of this blog. He ran from me as from some viral hot zone. And I prayed and prayed to get him back. I said, "God, I put this in YOUR hands. This friendship between me and him, consider it YOURS, grow it, nurture it like something that belongs to YOU."
But one of the hardest things for any Christian to learn is that when you give a matter to God, you must then leave it alone, wait for Him to do what He will do. He may not do what you want Him to do. And I think that's why we make the mistake of taking things back from Him, because we don't trust Him to do OUR will. We know that He will do His own will, but what if that is not what WE want?
This guy would have nothing to do with me. Answered no phone calls or letters. I was dead to him. So what did I do? I moved to the town where he had recently relocated! You know, it's amazing how we can fool ourselves. Oh, I prayed about it. "Dear Lord, should I move to where he is?" Yeah I prayed night and day, but did I wait for an answer? If I had heard an answer, would I have listened? Would I have obeyed? I knew what I wanted to do, and I did it. And the situation became much worse. I was lucky he did not go to the police and get a protective order against me.
After less than three months, I went home to lick my wounds. I knew that all hope was lost. But I kept tabs on him, via the Internet. I kept an eye on what he was up to, not because I was going to DO anything, but just because I wanted to know. He had known that I wanted to become a filmmaker. That was not his ambition, it was mine. But through the years, he got a scholarship in screenwriting, then made some movies, and is now a successful Hollywood screenwriter. I could name drop some of the celebrities that are involved in his projects, but there's no point.
A few days ago, I googled him again and found out that he was wed in Italy a couple years ago. All his family and friends were there...all except...one. Well, no, I mean I'm not his friend anymore. I WAS, but haven't been in almost 15 years. That small mistake I made that made him back away...and the thousand bigger mistakes I made trying to correct the first mistake...That meant that we were not friends, like we would have been. I was not the one to read the rough drafts of his screenplays and tell him what was good and what wasn't. I was not the guy for him to bounce ideas off of. I did not work as part of a crew for any of his movies. And of course I would not be invited to his Italian wedding.
But like everyone else I suppose, I have these "what if...?" moments where I think, "What if I hadn't messed this up?" What if our friendship had survived? How would my life be different today? Would I still live in the house I grew up in? Would I still be financially dependent on others? Would I still be insecure, depressed, lonely, scared, and confused? Or would I have had the tools to solve all these problems? Might I have grown wings and taken flight? If he could see me now...If he could see me now, would he feel disgust or just pity?
I can't blame God for not blessing that friendship. I ruined it all by myself. Maybe I think God should have restrained me somehow, kept me from doing all the dumb things that I did. But He gives us free will. I was not nearly mature enough back then to trust Him and let Him show me how to handle things. And the sad thing is, I'm not a lot more mature now than I was then, although I try. Yes, I try, but I still mess up.
Maybe something terrible would have happened if he and I had continued on the course of friendship that I had wanted. Maybe it would have taken me in a direction away from God. Who knows? I don't envy his life. And I don't regret the experiences I've had as a result of not living that other life. What I regret is just not being a part of his life because I really did love him, and I wanted to be there. And I wanted him to be a part of my life, even if it was a small part. At the wedding, I would have patted him on the shoulder and said how happy I was for him. It would have been the essence of all that I had wanted.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Koinonia
I should just call this blog "friendship", but I'm being fancy. The two words don't really mean the same thing, but there is kind of a tangential connection between koinonia and friendship, and if you don't know what the former word means, just google it.
I have written many letters and many blog entries discussing the subject of friendship, and if anyone who has read a fraction of these decided they wanted to puke or hang themselves if they had to read anymore, I would understand. It's just that, this is my big Life Issue, the thing I have struggled with more than anything else, and at 36 years old, I still haven't gotten the answers I've been looking for to the questions that still haunt me: What is friendship? How do you form lasting ones? Can you choose your friends or do they choose you...or does God choose them for you? Why do these wonderful relationships end?
I want to talk about some of the greatest days and nights of my life. I had a huge crush on somebody for a long, long time. All through high school in fact, and into college. We were acquaintances and sometimes partners on class projects, but we didn't hang out. There was a mutual respect, but for some reason I never had the nerve to try and turn our casual acquaintance into a friendship. Well, after 5 years of this, I finally got up the nerve to just talk to him about how I felt. I knew he was straight, so there was no possibility of a love connection, but I was hoping that we could form a significant friendship bond that would last. The setting for this conversation was the grounds of Clackamas Community College after hours. I had just seen my first play, Minority Status Quo, be performed for the final time. It was Thursday, June 1, 1995. We talked for hours and he was so amazing and kind, as we just walked around the campus that warm summer night. Basically he said, "In my mind, we were already friends." It would have been perfect had it not been for the fact that he was moving away (to a four year college) and I was staying put. I grieved over hundreds of missed opportunities to hang out, but that one star-filled night...It was so good that it almost made up for all that. And it almost made up for the hell that would follow as the friendship took a nosedive weeks later, and I became, for a few months, the worst person I've ever been. But that one night, June 1, 1995, brothers and sisters, I experienced paradise.
Of course, when paradise is lost, you think you can never gain it back again, but you can, if only briefly. In 2001, I became friends with someone who was more like me than anyone I had ever known...Well, that may not exactly be the case because he was like me in certain ways (he was gay and an aspiring filmmaker) and not like me in others (he was decidedly NOT spiritual). I also had a crush on him, but he was taken, so I had to get used to that fact. We spent lots of time together though, just hanging out and talking, watching movies. One night I was house-sitting for a friend and he came over, and it was kind of a slumber party. We drank a lot and read each other's scripts and watched movies, and then he offered to sleep with me...not have sex, but sleep next to me, with an occasional arm around me. He said he knew there was a void in my life (affection, intimacy, whatever), and he wanted to fill that void that night. So we slept, and here was somebody who really cared about me. And that was heaven.
One of the first gay guys I ever met was at CCC in...oh, I think it was '93, but maybe it was '94. His name was Greg. There was this gay and lesbian support group that met on a weekly basis and there were only a few of us there, and he was one of them. We hung out a couple times, he took me to Hobo's a gay restaurant in Portland, I slept over at his place. We cuddled in bed together, but that's all. Though our relationship wasn't sexual, he was like my initiation into all things gay, cos I had really been sheltered all my life. Now I really wish I could find Greg, I'd love to talk to him.
Meeting gay friends is a challenge living where I live. I don't go to bars. And what's more, since I've made a new commitment to Christ, it's hard for me approach gay guys cos I'm worried that if I'm honest about my faith, they'll reject me. Likewise, if I am trying to make Christian friends and am honest about my sexuality, they will reject me. So now the difficult issue of friendship that I've struggled with all my life is even more difficult than ever.
I don't know how many in the church I go to know I'm gay. I think most Christian guys feel threatened, like if I reach out to them, it means I want to sleep with them. Not true. Why would they assume that? Do they think I'm just a sinner and can't be a real Christian? Do they think I can't possibly have anything to offer them? What am I supposed to do?
When I was working at the store, I tried to make friends with a lot of the younger guys. It's not merely because I was attracted to them, it's because I really felt like I had more in common with them than the middle aged people who worked there. I feel young at heart. But I think people are prejudiced concerning age. They just assume that you can't relate to someone 15 years older than you. I admit that such a friendship would be unusual, but that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with that. I think in our society we just put these strange arbitrary limits on our lifestyles, that we have to act a certain way, be friends with only a certain group of people, never stray out of the ordinary. And for someone like me who has NEVER been ordinary, well...You can see the problem.
I have written many letters and many blog entries discussing the subject of friendship, and if anyone who has read a fraction of these decided they wanted to puke or hang themselves if they had to read anymore, I would understand. It's just that, this is my big Life Issue, the thing I have struggled with more than anything else, and at 36 years old, I still haven't gotten the answers I've been looking for to the questions that still haunt me: What is friendship? How do you form lasting ones? Can you choose your friends or do they choose you...or does God choose them for you? Why do these wonderful relationships end?
I want to talk about some of the greatest days and nights of my life. I had a huge crush on somebody for a long, long time. All through high school in fact, and into college. We were acquaintances and sometimes partners on class projects, but we didn't hang out. There was a mutual respect, but for some reason I never had the nerve to try and turn our casual acquaintance into a friendship. Well, after 5 years of this, I finally got up the nerve to just talk to him about how I felt. I knew he was straight, so there was no possibility of a love connection, but I was hoping that we could form a significant friendship bond that would last. The setting for this conversation was the grounds of Clackamas Community College after hours. I had just seen my first play, Minority Status Quo, be performed for the final time. It was Thursday, June 1, 1995. We talked for hours and he was so amazing and kind, as we just walked around the campus that warm summer night. Basically he said, "In my mind, we were already friends." It would have been perfect had it not been for the fact that he was moving away (to a four year college) and I was staying put. I grieved over hundreds of missed opportunities to hang out, but that one star-filled night...It was so good that it almost made up for all that. And it almost made up for the hell that would follow as the friendship took a nosedive weeks later, and I became, for a few months, the worst person I've ever been. But that one night, June 1, 1995, brothers and sisters, I experienced paradise.
Of course, when paradise is lost, you think you can never gain it back again, but you can, if only briefly. In 2001, I became friends with someone who was more like me than anyone I had ever known...Well, that may not exactly be the case because he was like me in certain ways (he was gay and an aspiring filmmaker) and not like me in others (he was decidedly NOT spiritual). I also had a crush on him, but he was taken, so I had to get used to that fact. We spent lots of time together though, just hanging out and talking, watching movies. One night I was house-sitting for a friend and he came over, and it was kind of a slumber party. We drank a lot and read each other's scripts and watched movies, and then he offered to sleep with me...not have sex, but sleep next to me, with an occasional arm around me. He said he knew there was a void in my life (affection, intimacy, whatever), and he wanted to fill that void that night. So we slept, and here was somebody who really cared about me. And that was heaven.
One of the first gay guys I ever met was at CCC in...oh, I think it was '93, but maybe it was '94. His name was Greg. There was this gay and lesbian support group that met on a weekly basis and there were only a few of us there, and he was one of them. We hung out a couple times, he took me to Hobo's a gay restaurant in Portland, I slept over at his place. We cuddled in bed together, but that's all. Though our relationship wasn't sexual, he was like my initiation into all things gay, cos I had really been sheltered all my life. Now I really wish I could find Greg, I'd love to talk to him.
Meeting gay friends is a challenge living where I live. I don't go to bars. And what's more, since I've made a new commitment to Christ, it's hard for me approach gay guys cos I'm worried that if I'm honest about my faith, they'll reject me. Likewise, if I am trying to make Christian friends and am honest about my sexuality, they will reject me. So now the difficult issue of friendship that I've struggled with all my life is even more difficult than ever.
I don't know how many in the church I go to know I'm gay. I think most Christian guys feel threatened, like if I reach out to them, it means I want to sleep with them. Not true. Why would they assume that? Do they think I'm just a sinner and can't be a real Christian? Do they think I can't possibly have anything to offer them? What am I supposed to do?
When I was working at the store, I tried to make friends with a lot of the younger guys. It's not merely because I was attracted to them, it's because I really felt like I had more in common with them than the middle aged people who worked there. I feel young at heart. But I think people are prejudiced concerning age. They just assume that you can't relate to someone 15 years older than you. I admit that such a friendship would be unusual, but that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with that. I think in our society we just put these strange arbitrary limits on our lifestyles, that we have to act a certain way, be friends with only a certain group of people, never stray out of the ordinary. And for someone like me who has NEVER been ordinary, well...You can see the problem.
Friday, July 3, 2009
I AM WRONG.
My favorite singer/songwriter Robyn Hitchcock introduced a live version of his song, "No, I Don't Remember Guildford" for friend Jonathan Demme's concert film Storefront Hitchcock with the words: "You know, when you think you're right about things, that can make you very bitter. If the rest of the world hasn't happened to go along with your ways of seeing things. And if the rest of the world includes someone you've been close to, then you feel worse."
I always get emotional listening to that little speech because it really strikes a chord with me. I remember my 7th grade math teacher Mr. Gibson giving his class a lecture on why it's bad to always have to be right. (He should not have been a math and science teacher; he was 100% philosopher.) But he was casting his pearls before swine; 7th grade is far too early for anyone to comprehend such important life lessons. Oddly enough, when my class moved on to high school, so did he.
Now as an old man, I realize what a lot of old people realize, and that is that life has very few assurances. Oh, there are some things we can know without a doubt, but not nearly as many as I once believed. And it won't be a surprise to those of you who realize this is a Christian-themed blog, that almost all of those certainties have to do with God. But more on that later.
One of the pitfalls that a back-slided Christian makes when he decides to start going to church again is the culture clash between the worldly ways that you've embraced for the last many years and the Christ-like living that the church body is supposedly trying to emulate. And I realize that's why a lot of Christians and non-Christians alike don't want to go to church or fellowship with believers because they think they're going to be confronted with everything that is considered "wrong" in the eyes of the holy (or "holier than thou") and righteous (or "self-righteous"). They're going to tell you that what you read is WRONG, what you listen to is WRONG, what you watch is WRONG, what you believe is WRONG, what you think is WRONG, yes, WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, praise the Lord. Repent and be saved. Of course! Why didn't I think of that?!?!?!
And obviously, if you're a GAY Christian, you can multiply that judgementalism by 1000. At least, that's what I've come to expect, and so I am not really "out" to many of the people in the church I go to, although I don't keep it a secret either. I mean, they see my Facebook, and they have a link to this blog, so it's not like I'm lying to them. I'm just not discussing it. But I want to make something real clear here. Most Christians believe that homosexuality is wrong. I question that, but only because I'm gay. If I wasn't gay, I would have the same interpretation of the 6 or so Bible verses that deal with the subject as most Christians do. I would not try to delve deeper by checking out the Gay Christian Network (see link on the right) or reading a book like What the Bible Really Says About Homosexuality by Daniel A. Helminiak. It would not matter to me. Why would it? So I don't hold fellow Christians' beliefs against them, at least I try not to. But here's the biggest point I want to make, and I may actually offend any gay buddies of mine who might be reading this. Are you ready? Here goes: If God doesn't want me to be gay, He can change me. And if He doesn't want me to engage in gay sex acts, He can change my heart so that I will conform to His will. I have told Him that I'm open to a heart-change, and a mind-change. But I believe only God can do that; I don't believe in programs like Exodus or other such things. I don't believe you can will yourself to be straight. I don't believe you can brainwash yourself to be straight. But you can have a heart that truly wants to do God's will and He can take it from there. For the record, at the current moment, I don't want to be straight, I want to be a with a guy, I want to marry a guy. That's just what a want. But God can change what we want; I really believe that.
But that's between me and God. I have to admit that there's a pride issue, where I would never want to admit to someone who is against homosexuality that "you're right, and I was wrong." That would be a painful thing to do. And I'm most certainly not ready to do such a thing in terms of my sexuality or music, or books or movies, or many other things in my life that might raise eyebrows. There is, however, something I have to confront, and it's the real purpose of this blog entry.
None of what's come before in this entry was what I was going to write. This was going to be called "Obsession: another word for Idolatry." I've talked a little bit about this in previous entries, so I won't touch too much on the idol factor, except to remind my readers who might not realize that whatever we care about more than our relationship with God is considered an idol. And God hates it when we have idols. In fact, if you were to read the Bible from cover to cover, I think you would find that one of the very most offensive things to God is idolatry. And it's not just a matter of worshipping false deities. If you care more about your wardrobe than your relationship with God, you are engaging in idolatry. If you care more about your boyfriend or girlfriend than about God, this is idolatry. If it gets between you and God, it's an idol. Now, I'm not a pastor or theologian, so if I'm missing the mark please don't stone me for heresy. I'm only relaying my understanding of what I've been told and have read in the last several months.
I like to think of myself as a good person. I know that who I am in Christ is not who the world sees. The world might see a loser who's in his 30's, unemployed, living with parents, who does not drive, and has no friends. And indeed, I have been called a loser before. I understand why they would say it. But that list of faults is not the summation of who I am. And my biggest fault of all--being obsessed with people and wanting their friendship to the point of becoming downright freaky about it--is also not reflective of the entire person that Matt Russell is, and certainly isn't what God made him to be.
But I have to talk about obsession because in this area, I really can and must say that I have been WRONG. And I hope that in admitting this to myself and to others, I can try to repent from this wrongness and find a more healthy way of dealing with people that I like.
I think the root of all obsession with other people stems from insecurity and a low self-image. If you think you're dogshit (pardon the term, but I want to really get the point across), you can't help but to look up to other people, indeed, put them on a pedestal, especially if they're people that you like and admire for whatever reason. You think that if they can be in your life, you will feel better about yourself, and hopefully have a good friend to boot. They seem "better" than other people. Often, it's partially because there's a physical attraction, but that's not the only component. If choosing friends was like choosing a meal in a restaurant, you look at the menu and find what looks best to you. And you fall in love with the idea of getting to know this person, even though there's no real practical basis for this perception that you will connect so wonderfully. You build it up in your mind to where it becomes so important to you that you cause yourself great embarrassment in your attempts to make friends with this person. And at worst, you may evoke the person's society-generated paranoia and fears of obsessed people as they've been portrayed in the movies, as violent stalkers, bent on causing harm and terror and destruction. In reality, obsession in itself is just a mental condition, like depression, and most obsessed people are not evil or violent. I certainly hope that anyone who knows me just a little bit would know that I'm not.
Over the years, there have been several guys that I've been obsessed with, and it's never resulted in the friendship that I wanted. Instead, it's caused much pain, the depth of which I am not even capable of describing. To constantly be rejected by the people you hold in high esteem, and not even for a romantic relationship but for a mere friendship. You like them SO MUCH, but they don't even care about you enough to get coffee or go to a movie or whatever. And I always looked to God and cried, "what's WRONG with these people? Don't they have compassion?"
But no...The real question should always have been, "What wrong with me?" Not "what's wrong with me that makes me unlikable?" although I have asked that question to myself many, many times. The real issue is, "What's wrong with me that makes me feel like I need this particular person in my life or I'll be unhappy or incomplete?" And why do I think it's okay to try and manipulate or emotionally blackmail people into giving me what I want? It's not that I'm always conscious of this, but sometimes I am, but just can't help it. Sometimes I feel SO desperate. What makes a person needy? Is it feeling like you've been deprived of your needs over the years? Well, it's true that I've always been shy, I've always been a nerd, and I've always, always had great difficulty finding friends. So yes, I feel deprived of people to be close to, except of course my family which is a blessing I know that not everyone has. But all my life I've felt an incredible loneliness that I've tried to quench in ways that always make me get more hurt and feel more lonely. When you're desperate, you become self-destructive. If I had a cute body, I'd be a slut. I'd hang out in the bars and hook up with people on Craigslist, trying to fulfill the emptiness with sex. And now my Christian friends say, "Wait a minute! Where is God in all this?" And that's a good question.
God wants to be our best friend, but you can't see Him with your eyes, you can't hear Him with your ears, you can't tell Him dirty jokes, you can't hug Him and feel the comfort of a physical embrace. You can't see a movie and chat with Him over coffee afterwards. But I know what the brothers are getting at. He doesn't just want to be close to us, He wants to be closest to us. And I've cared more about these guys than about spending time with the One who really does care about me. I'm not saying it's wrong to want human relationships, but I've taken the desire to insane proportions. And if all the objects of my obsessions over the years could read this, I would say I'm sorry. I would also say I still want you around, but can never blame you for finding me unworthy. After all, most people really don't want to be idolized. I wish you liked me. But how can you, if I don't like myself? And a person can never properly love himself without a concept of God's love for him or her. If I know that God made me in His image and loved me enough to die for me, then sent His Spirit to guide me in all my days, then I must not be what I thought I was. I must not be...dogshit. No matter who rejects me, God sees me as lovable as everyone else, and if I could see myself through His eyes, maybe I could see others that way as well, not as idols, but as human beings, only as special and imperfect as I am.
I always get emotional listening to that little speech because it really strikes a chord with me. I remember my 7th grade math teacher Mr. Gibson giving his class a lecture on why it's bad to always have to be right. (He should not have been a math and science teacher; he was 100% philosopher.) But he was casting his pearls before swine; 7th grade is far too early for anyone to comprehend such important life lessons. Oddly enough, when my class moved on to high school, so did he.
Now as an old man, I realize what a lot of old people realize, and that is that life has very few assurances. Oh, there are some things we can know without a doubt, but not nearly as many as I once believed. And it won't be a surprise to those of you who realize this is a Christian-themed blog, that almost all of those certainties have to do with God. But more on that later.
One of the pitfalls that a back-slided Christian makes when he decides to start going to church again is the culture clash between the worldly ways that you've embraced for the last many years and the Christ-like living that the church body is supposedly trying to emulate. And I realize that's why a lot of Christians and non-Christians alike don't want to go to church or fellowship with believers because they think they're going to be confronted with everything that is considered "wrong" in the eyes of the holy (or "holier than thou") and righteous (or "self-righteous"). They're going to tell you that what you read is WRONG, what you listen to is WRONG, what you watch is WRONG, what you believe is WRONG, what you think is WRONG, yes, WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, praise the Lord. Repent and be saved. Of course! Why didn't I think of that?!?!?!
And obviously, if you're a GAY Christian, you can multiply that judgementalism by 1000. At least, that's what I've come to expect, and so I am not really "out" to many of the people in the church I go to, although I don't keep it a secret either. I mean, they see my Facebook, and they have a link to this blog, so it's not like I'm lying to them. I'm just not discussing it. But I want to make something real clear here. Most Christians believe that homosexuality is wrong. I question that, but only because I'm gay. If I wasn't gay, I would have the same interpretation of the 6 or so Bible verses that deal with the subject as most Christians do. I would not try to delve deeper by checking out the Gay Christian Network (see link on the right) or reading a book like What the Bible Really Says About Homosexuality by Daniel A. Helminiak. It would not matter to me. Why would it? So I don't hold fellow Christians' beliefs against them, at least I try not to. But here's the biggest point I want to make, and I may actually offend any gay buddies of mine who might be reading this. Are you ready? Here goes: If God doesn't want me to be gay, He can change me. And if He doesn't want me to engage in gay sex acts, He can change my heart so that I will conform to His will. I have told Him that I'm open to a heart-change, and a mind-change. But I believe only God can do that; I don't believe in programs like Exodus or other such things. I don't believe you can will yourself to be straight. I don't believe you can brainwash yourself to be straight. But you can have a heart that truly wants to do God's will and He can take it from there. For the record, at the current moment, I don't want to be straight, I want to be a with a guy, I want to marry a guy. That's just what a want. But God can change what we want; I really believe that.
But that's between me and God. I have to admit that there's a pride issue, where I would never want to admit to someone who is against homosexuality that "you're right, and I was wrong." That would be a painful thing to do. And I'm most certainly not ready to do such a thing in terms of my sexuality or music, or books or movies, or many other things in my life that might raise eyebrows. There is, however, something I have to confront, and it's the real purpose of this blog entry.
None of what's come before in this entry was what I was going to write. This was going to be called "Obsession: another word for Idolatry." I've talked a little bit about this in previous entries, so I won't touch too much on the idol factor, except to remind my readers who might not realize that whatever we care about more than our relationship with God is considered an idol. And God hates it when we have idols. In fact, if you were to read the Bible from cover to cover, I think you would find that one of the very most offensive things to God is idolatry. And it's not just a matter of worshipping false deities. If you care more about your wardrobe than your relationship with God, you are engaging in idolatry. If you care more about your boyfriend or girlfriend than about God, this is idolatry. If it gets between you and God, it's an idol. Now, I'm not a pastor or theologian, so if I'm missing the mark please don't stone me for heresy. I'm only relaying my understanding of what I've been told and have read in the last several months.
I like to think of myself as a good person. I know that who I am in Christ is not who the world sees. The world might see a loser who's in his 30's, unemployed, living with parents, who does not drive, and has no friends. And indeed, I have been called a loser before. I understand why they would say it. But that list of faults is not the summation of who I am. And my biggest fault of all--being obsessed with people and wanting their friendship to the point of becoming downright freaky about it--is also not reflective of the entire person that Matt Russell is, and certainly isn't what God made him to be.
But I have to talk about obsession because in this area, I really can and must say that I have been WRONG. And I hope that in admitting this to myself and to others, I can try to repent from this wrongness and find a more healthy way of dealing with people that I like.
I think the root of all obsession with other people stems from insecurity and a low self-image. If you think you're dogshit (pardon the term, but I want to really get the point across), you can't help but to look up to other people, indeed, put them on a pedestal, especially if they're people that you like and admire for whatever reason. You think that if they can be in your life, you will feel better about yourself, and hopefully have a good friend to boot. They seem "better" than other people. Often, it's partially because there's a physical attraction, but that's not the only component. If choosing friends was like choosing a meal in a restaurant, you look at the menu and find what looks best to you. And you fall in love with the idea of getting to know this person, even though there's no real practical basis for this perception that you will connect so wonderfully. You build it up in your mind to where it becomes so important to you that you cause yourself great embarrassment in your attempts to make friends with this person. And at worst, you may evoke the person's society-generated paranoia and fears of obsessed people as they've been portrayed in the movies, as violent stalkers, bent on causing harm and terror and destruction. In reality, obsession in itself is just a mental condition, like depression, and most obsessed people are not evil or violent. I certainly hope that anyone who knows me just a little bit would know that I'm not.
Over the years, there have been several guys that I've been obsessed with, and it's never resulted in the friendship that I wanted. Instead, it's caused much pain, the depth of which I am not even capable of describing. To constantly be rejected by the people you hold in high esteem, and not even for a romantic relationship but for a mere friendship. You like them SO MUCH, but they don't even care about you enough to get coffee or go to a movie or whatever. And I always looked to God and cried, "what's WRONG with these people? Don't they have compassion?"
But no...The real question should always have been, "What wrong with me?" Not "what's wrong with me that makes me unlikable?" although I have asked that question to myself many, many times. The real issue is, "What's wrong with me that makes me feel like I need this particular person in my life or I'll be unhappy or incomplete?" And why do I think it's okay to try and manipulate or emotionally blackmail people into giving me what I want? It's not that I'm always conscious of this, but sometimes I am, but just can't help it. Sometimes I feel SO desperate. What makes a person needy? Is it feeling like you've been deprived of your needs over the years? Well, it's true that I've always been shy, I've always been a nerd, and I've always, always had great difficulty finding friends. So yes, I feel deprived of people to be close to, except of course my family which is a blessing I know that not everyone has. But all my life I've felt an incredible loneliness that I've tried to quench in ways that always make me get more hurt and feel more lonely. When you're desperate, you become self-destructive. If I had a cute body, I'd be a slut. I'd hang out in the bars and hook up with people on Craigslist, trying to fulfill the emptiness with sex. And now my Christian friends say, "Wait a minute! Where is God in all this?" And that's a good question.
God wants to be our best friend, but you can't see Him with your eyes, you can't hear Him with your ears, you can't tell Him dirty jokes, you can't hug Him and feel the comfort of a physical embrace. You can't see a movie and chat with Him over coffee afterwards. But I know what the brothers are getting at. He doesn't just want to be close to us, He wants to be closest to us. And I've cared more about these guys than about spending time with the One who really does care about me. I'm not saying it's wrong to want human relationships, but I've taken the desire to insane proportions. And if all the objects of my obsessions over the years could read this, I would say I'm sorry. I would also say I still want you around, but can never blame you for finding me unworthy. After all, most people really don't want to be idolized. I wish you liked me. But how can you, if I don't like myself? And a person can never properly love himself without a concept of God's love for him or her. If I know that God made me in His image and loved me enough to die for me, then sent His Spirit to guide me in all my days, then I must not be what I thought I was. I must not be...dogshit. No matter who rejects me, God sees me as lovable as everyone else, and if I could see myself through His eyes, maybe I could see others that way as well, not as idols, but as human beings, only as special and imperfect as I am.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
of milkshakes and log cabins
A few days ago, as my status update on Facebook, I wrote something like, "I think people are made like blended milkshakes, rather than compartmentalized Hungry Man dinners." Of course I didn't expect anyone to know what I meant by that; perhaps I hoped they might ask. But there is a problem with this expressed opinion because I feel like it's contrary to what God's Word might say. It's the difference between man's wisdom and God's truth. If I had more than 2 readers, I could open up a discussion about this. I did talk with a friend of mine about it a few days ago, but I think more discussion could be had.
But let's explore the metaphor a little bit further. If you blend vanilla ice cream with chocolate syrup, you get a chocolate shake. Once you have mixed your chocolate shake, you can't decide to only have the vanilla part. The vanilla and the chocolate are joined forever and can't be separated. So you'd better like chocolate, or at least tolerate it.
Man is body, soul, and spirit. (I could add mind as a component to this, but that probably falls under the category of soul.) The Word of God goes to great lengths to differentiate the flesh from the spirit. John 3:6 says, "That which is born of the flesh is flesh, and that which is born of the Spirit is spirit." We know that the human body perishes, but the soul and spirit live on. Galatians chapter 5:19-23 talks about the conflict between the works of the flesh and fruit of the Spirit: "Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions, envying, drunkenness, carousing, and things like these, of which I forewarn you...those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law."
I am reminded of the Tori Amos song, "Pancake" in which she sings about her disillusionment with a religious zealot: "It seems like you and your tribe decided you'd rewrite the law: segregate the mind from body, from soul." Are we not the sum of our parts? And are not those parts inexorably intertwined? If you try to remove a man's religious faith, it's like trying to take the vanilla ice cream out of the milkshake. If you try to remove a man's sexuality, it is like trying to take the chocolate out of the milkshake. Friends, it is a chocolate shake, and a chocolate shake is what it will be. Right????????
Now, on to the next thing, which is also inspired by something that I posted on Facebook, and on Twitter. I said that I am looking for a good friend to spend the evening with in a log cabin and discuss weighty issues all night long. Also looking for a log cabin.
Why a log cabin? Well, it doesn't HAVE to be a log cabin. But I want it to be someplace that is sort of isolated and I don't want them to bring their cell phone...or if they do, I want them to keep it turned off. And I don't want TV, unless we might watch a movie for entertainment. But I don't want distractions. Whoever this friend is, I want it to just be him (or her) and I, just spending time together, talking, laughing, telling stories, and confiding in each other. It's not a romantic or sexual thing. It's a friendship thing, the kind I've always looked for in my life, but never quite attained.
Because making friends and keeping them has always been hard for me. There's something about me that is just enough off kilter that people reject me almost 100% of the time. Then there's the matter of me always trying too hard, or not hard enough. There is not much middle ground with me. But yeah, a movie or two, some games, a bottle of booze (optional), some music, prayer (if the other person is Christian) but mostly just talk without limit, without restrictions, without distractions. One on one.
This kind of dynamic is partially what I'm trying to write about in my new play, "para physin", and I admit that this might not really exist. I just want to be close to somebody, and the Christian chorus says, "be close to GOD" but sometimes you need to have someone you can see and hear, a friend who cannot judge you, and with whom you can be a little naughty in speech and gesture. Am I right? Can I get an AMEN?!?!?!?!
But let's explore the metaphor a little bit further. If you blend vanilla ice cream with chocolate syrup, you get a chocolate shake. Once you have mixed your chocolate shake, you can't decide to only have the vanilla part. The vanilla and the chocolate are joined forever and can't be separated. So you'd better like chocolate, or at least tolerate it.
Man is body, soul, and spirit. (I could add mind as a component to this, but that probably falls under the category of soul.) The Word of God goes to great lengths to differentiate the flesh from the spirit. John 3:6 says, "That which is born of the flesh is flesh, and that which is born of the Spirit is spirit." We know that the human body perishes, but the soul and spirit live on. Galatians chapter 5:19-23 talks about the conflict between the works of the flesh and fruit of the Spirit: "Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions, envying, drunkenness, carousing, and things like these, of which I forewarn you...those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law."
I am reminded of the Tori Amos song, "Pancake" in which she sings about her disillusionment with a religious zealot: "It seems like you and your tribe decided you'd rewrite the law: segregate the mind from body, from soul." Are we not the sum of our parts? And are not those parts inexorably intertwined? If you try to remove a man's religious faith, it's like trying to take the vanilla ice cream out of the milkshake. If you try to remove a man's sexuality, it is like trying to take the chocolate out of the milkshake. Friends, it is a chocolate shake, and a chocolate shake is what it will be. Right????????
Now, on to the next thing, which is also inspired by something that I posted on Facebook, and on Twitter. I said that I am looking for a good friend to spend the evening with in a log cabin and discuss weighty issues all night long. Also looking for a log cabin.
Why a log cabin? Well, it doesn't HAVE to be a log cabin. But I want it to be someplace that is sort of isolated and I don't want them to bring their cell phone...or if they do, I want them to keep it turned off. And I don't want TV, unless we might watch a movie for entertainment. But I don't want distractions. Whoever this friend is, I want it to just be him (or her) and I, just spending time together, talking, laughing, telling stories, and confiding in each other. It's not a romantic or sexual thing. It's a friendship thing, the kind I've always looked for in my life, but never quite attained.
Because making friends and keeping them has always been hard for me. There's something about me that is just enough off kilter that people reject me almost 100% of the time. Then there's the matter of me always trying too hard, or not hard enough. There is not much middle ground with me. But yeah, a movie or two, some games, a bottle of booze (optional), some music, prayer (if the other person is Christian) but mostly just talk without limit, without restrictions, without distractions. One on one.
This kind of dynamic is partially what I'm trying to write about in my new play, "para physin", and I admit that this might not really exist. I just want to be close to somebody, and the Christian chorus says, "be close to GOD" but sometimes you need to have someone you can see and hear, a friend who cannot judge you, and with whom you can be a little naughty in speech and gesture. Am I right? Can I get an AMEN?!?!?!?!
Friday, June 12, 2009
Who Loves You?
This entry was going to be called Confessions, but the old Alannah Myles song has been on my mind, and I will share why in a minute. (The song is on her 1989 self-titled album, which features her only hit, "Black Velvet".) But first I need to talk about confessions. In I John 1:9, it says that if we confess our sins, God is faithful and just to forgive them and cleanse us of all unrighteousness. Jesus is our High Priest, so we don't need to confess to a human one. It is between us and God. But it is also important for believers to be honest with each other, and not have a lot of hidden things which amount to a double life. If those hidden things are accidentally revealed, the believer ends up looking like a liar and a hypocrite (even though we all sin and are all hypocrites to a certain extent). So I will talk about a few of the things that I struggle with, and a few things that I don't struggle with, things that I do which others may object to. And in doing this, I will show that I do not see myself as righteous or fit to judge anyone.
I drink. I am not an alcoholic but I enjoy drinking, and I enjoy it quite a lot. I mainly drink cocktails, not beer or wine. Some Christians think drinking is evil, even though Jesus turned water into wine. The apostle Paul does warn us in Ephesians 5:18 not to get drunk, but to be filled with the Holy Spirit. So it could be argued that getting drunk is sinful, but drinking is not. Now, I have gotten drunk on occasion. I have to say that it's rather difficult for me to do so, but I do try sometimes. Sometimes I just want to party and forget about life's difficulties. But really, what interests me most is mixology. I am fascinated by the tens of thousands of different drinks that can be made. I love to try new drinks. If I get a little buzz in the process, well............(I shrug).
I use profanity. Not as much as I used to. This is actually something that I'm deliberately trying to cut way down on. For a long time, I justified using four-letter words all the time because...Well, because they're just words. Man invented them, and they can mean whatever we want them to mean. Their meanings are often subjective. Sometimes they mean absolutely nothing. When my brother and I were little, we made this written code whereby we could write messages to each other in secret, and no one would understand what we were saying. We chose what each symbol represented. The same is true of language. Somebody has actually invented the language of Klingon. They just decided that this sound means this word, and so forth. So in my mind, these human constructions which we call "foul language" didn't really mean much to me. I mean, it usually just means you're angry. It's just another way to express that emotion. But then I read there's something in the book of James about how both blessing and cursing should not spring from the same mouth, that this is just wrong. And the other thing about bad language is that if a non-believer hears a Christian talk like that, it discredits his witness. So while I do use the occasional curse word to express myself, I'm starting to try and be more careful. One thing I don't do is use the Lord's name in vain.
Movies, music, TV, books, plays and other forms of our culture contain loads of things that God likely does not approve of, and neither do many Christians. I'm not going to go into huge detail about this, cos it would take all night, but suffice to say I do see R-rated movies all the time. I don't like the sanitized distortion of so-called Christian cinema, where people don't talk and act like they do in real life. So to see violence and sex and bad language in a movie is just realism, and I'd rather see that than a distortion. Even the Bible documented bad things that people said and did. I find it strange that people are more offended by sex in the movies than violence. Certain depictions of violence I can't handle. I can't watch a mafia movie, for instance. Sex doesn't bother me, but then again, I've dabbled in pornography like most men. It doesn't happen often because, frankly, it's just not very satisfying, but once in a while sex on screen can be exciting. And as a writer, I have to admit I almost always have a sex scene written into my scripts.
I used to read a lot of horror novels, but not so much anymore. As I said, some violent imagery messes with my head in a bad way. But Dean Koontz is my current favorite author. Most people think he's horror, but he's not.
Perhaps the worst thing in pop culture that I indulge in is the music I listen to. Most of my favorite artists all seem to have a chip on their shoulder when it comes to God and Christianity. Some of them are really obnoxious in their vitriolic expressions of disapproval of my faith. Well, I usually end up just skipping those particular songs that deal with those things, but I do feel guilty sometimes for being such a fan of these artists. It's like the fact that House is my favorite TV show, and the title character is like my hero, but he is extremely anti-religious, not to mention numerous other sinful qualities.
I am self-centered. Even my pastor told me this, and I would have been angry at him if I had not realized that he spoke the truth. I'm lazy and selfish. Why is this? Well, again, I could take all night. It comes from feeling as though you're not getting everything that you need. It's about a deep hunger or yearning for something that you don't have, maybe never have had. For me, that is strong friendships and romantic relationships. My pastor went a step further and told me these were an idol, which I also knew. An idol is something in your life that you care about more than your relationship with God. So again, I could have been angry, but I knew it was true. What I did not know was how to fix the problem.
And here's where the Alannah Myles song comes in. "Who loves you, who you gonna run to?" she asks. "Who loves you, whatcha gonna do about it?" Wait, let me go back further: "I send a message to you. I close my eyes and hope it gets through...I wonder if you hear me tonight. Sometimes you're so far away. I wanna have you near me tonight. Do you belong to me?" Well, this is obviously about a romance between a man and a woman, but it resonates with me because it could also be God speaking to His people. We were created to have fellowship with Him. He knew us since before we were born, and for all that time, He had a plan for us. (See Psalm 139.) He knows our every thought and every move. And He wants our friendship, our love, our conversation. People will let you down. You will be lonely if you rely on people. I'm sitting at my computer on a Friday night writing this, and I wish more than I can express that I had some buddy to drink with tonight. You know, go to the upper room in the Scottish pub. But I don't have anyone to do that with, and I won't go alone. Yet, who's right here with me, and wherever I am? Who is actively interested in me at all times? I may be boring or ugly to those I desire. God loves me ALWAYS, and He does not stop. Where is your bread buttered? Who will die for you? Who already has?
I drink. I am not an alcoholic but I enjoy drinking, and I enjoy it quite a lot. I mainly drink cocktails, not beer or wine. Some Christians think drinking is evil, even though Jesus turned water into wine. The apostle Paul does warn us in Ephesians 5:18 not to get drunk, but to be filled with the Holy Spirit. So it could be argued that getting drunk is sinful, but drinking is not. Now, I have gotten drunk on occasion. I have to say that it's rather difficult for me to do so, but I do try sometimes. Sometimes I just want to party and forget about life's difficulties. But really, what interests me most is mixology. I am fascinated by the tens of thousands of different drinks that can be made. I love to try new drinks. If I get a little buzz in the process, well............(I shrug).
I use profanity. Not as much as I used to. This is actually something that I'm deliberately trying to cut way down on. For a long time, I justified using four-letter words all the time because...Well, because they're just words. Man invented them, and they can mean whatever we want them to mean. Their meanings are often subjective. Sometimes they mean absolutely nothing. When my brother and I were little, we made this written code whereby we could write messages to each other in secret, and no one would understand what we were saying. We chose what each symbol represented. The same is true of language. Somebody has actually invented the language of Klingon. They just decided that this sound means this word, and so forth. So in my mind, these human constructions which we call "foul language" didn't really mean much to me. I mean, it usually just means you're angry. It's just another way to express that emotion. But then I read there's something in the book of James about how both blessing and cursing should not spring from the same mouth, that this is just wrong. And the other thing about bad language is that if a non-believer hears a Christian talk like that, it discredits his witness. So while I do use the occasional curse word to express myself, I'm starting to try and be more careful. One thing I don't do is use the Lord's name in vain.
Movies, music, TV, books, plays and other forms of our culture contain loads of things that God likely does not approve of, and neither do many Christians. I'm not going to go into huge detail about this, cos it would take all night, but suffice to say I do see R-rated movies all the time. I don't like the sanitized distortion of so-called Christian cinema, where people don't talk and act like they do in real life. So to see violence and sex and bad language in a movie is just realism, and I'd rather see that than a distortion. Even the Bible documented bad things that people said and did. I find it strange that people are more offended by sex in the movies than violence. Certain depictions of violence I can't handle. I can't watch a mafia movie, for instance. Sex doesn't bother me, but then again, I've dabbled in pornography like most men. It doesn't happen often because, frankly, it's just not very satisfying, but once in a while sex on screen can be exciting. And as a writer, I have to admit I almost always have a sex scene written into my scripts.
I used to read a lot of horror novels, but not so much anymore. As I said, some violent imagery messes with my head in a bad way. But Dean Koontz is my current favorite author. Most people think he's horror, but he's not.
Perhaps the worst thing in pop culture that I indulge in is the music I listen to. Most of my favorite artists all seem to have a chip on their shoulder when it comes to God and Christianity. Some of them are really obnoxious in their vitriolic expressions of disapproval of my faith. Well, I usually end up just skipping those particular songs that deal with those things, but I do feel guilty sometimes for being such a fan of these artists. It's like the fact that House is my favorite TV show, and the title character is like my hero, but he is extremely anti-religious, not to mention numerous other sinful qualities.
I am self-centered. Even my pastor told me this, and I would have been angry at him if I had not realized that he spoke the truth. I'm lazy and selfish. Why is this? Well, again, I could take all night. It comes from feeling as though you're not getting everything that you need. It's about a deep hunger or yearning for something that you don't have, maybe never have had. For me, that is strong friendships and romantic relationships. My pastor went a step further and told me these were an idol, which I also knew. An idol is something in your life that you care about more than your relationship with God. So again, I could have been angry, but I knew it was true. What I did not know was how to fix the problem.
And here's where the Alannah Myles song comes in. "Who loves you, who you gonna run to?" she asks. "Who loves you, whatcha gonna do about it?" Wait, let me go back further: "I send a message to you. I close my eyes and hope it gets through...I wonder if you hear me tonight. Sometimes you're so far away. I wanna have you near me tonight. Do you belong to me?" Well, this is obviously about a romance between a man and a woman, but it resonates with me because it could also be God speaking to His people. We were created to have fellowship with Him. He knew us since before we were born, and for all that time, He had a plan for us. (See Psalm 139.) He knows our every thought and every move. And He wants our friendship, our love, our conversation. People will let you down. You will be lonely if you rely on people. I'm sitting at my computer on a Friday night writing this, and I wish more than I can express that I had some buddy to drink with tonight. You know, go to the upper room in the Scottish pub. But I don't have anyone to do that with, and I won't go alone. Yet, who's right here with me, and wherever I am? Who is actively interested in me at all times? I may be boring or ugly to those I desire. God loves me ALWAYS, and He does not stop. Where is your bread buttered? Who will die for you? Who already has?
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Hurt by God?
Before I begin with today's remarks, let me first ask my readers to drop me a line and let me know you exist. As far as I know, only 2 people read this blog...and that's okay because if those 2 people enjoy it, it's worth doing just for them and for my own self-expression. However, it would help me to know that there are others, whether or not you choose to "follow" or comment. Thank you.
Here's an interesting discussion. It will explain a little about the next paragraph.
Last night, I sat on a deck chair and looked up at the stars, and cried, "Abba, Father." I wonder if I should share something so personal...People share this personal stuff all the time, don't they? Listen to preachers; they'll tell you of intimate discussions with God. To be sure, there are some things I would not share but I can share this. "Father, Father," I said. "I am hurt. I am hurt." And I did not know what to say after that, and I was called in for a haircut anyway, so I left God with those words from me to Him, understanding that I would return later on.
Jesus promised His disciples that anything we ask in His name, He will do it (John 14:13), but the unspoken caveat is this: it has to be in accordance with the Father's will. I mean, technically, can we really ask anything in His name if it doesn't meet that qualification? Why would He want to put His name on something that was against His Father's holy and righteous plan? To quote another dangerous passage, "Delight yourself in the LORD; And He will give you the desires of your heart" (Psalm 37:4). In Matthew 6:33, Jesus says that all your needs will be given you but you must seek first the Kingdom of God.
Why am I quoting these Scriptures? It certainly isn't to sound educated. In fact, it will become apparent that I don't completely understand them. The other question you might be asking is, why was I hurt? Well, it might be kind of hard to explain. As the trite R.E.M. song declares, everyone does.
[NOTE: I am not all these people!]
Aloysius hurts because he was given a name that causes people to make fun of him. He would change it, but he doesn't want to hurt his parents' feelings. He loves them, but why, oh why, did they saddle him with that?
Ben hurts because he doesn't like his body. He wonders why some people have a metabolism that burns up calories like wildfire and no excess fat is stored, even though they eat whatever they want. Ben loves food, but all it gets him is fat. Food is comfort (hence the phrase, "comfort food") and Lord knows he needs comfort in these troubled times, but none of his clothes fit him anymore. And exercise is...Uh, what is THAT?!?!
Connor is in okay shape, but he has a hump. He tries not to think of Quasimodo, but he can't help it. There's nothing doctors can do. And he's screamed at God many, many times over this, let me tell you.
Diane is angry because she's not a lightweight. She'll drink and drink, but it seems so hard anymore to get that buzzed feeling, much less drunk. What she does feel is that general yuckiness, that bad taste in her mouth, the headache. A few cocktails used to be at first soothing, then uplifting, even enlightening. But now...She might as well be drinking water.
Enid also gets teased at school, but not so much because of her name, although it doesn't help. She is...Well, she's ugly. And every single day, when she wakes up and is about to go to school, she KNOWS that she will be treated like something less than human. She knows that she will have to fight with all that is in her to make her not want to turn a gun on herself.
Flynn thinks he is radioactive. There are some people that attract others like magnets, crowds flock to them. With Flynn, it is the opposite. He has racked his brain for decades, trying to figure out why people don't like him, but he is ever stumped. He clears rooms, but it's not a result of flatulence. He doesn't understand; it's just him.
Gary loves someone with all his heart. But others say that his love is wrong and evil, and he thinks he has to believe them or else. He looks around at married couples with their kids and bitterly laments that this is the "right way, God's way". But his heart aches because that isn't him, and he asks God if he must have an artificial heart, for it contains something that seems precious to him, only to be trampled underfoot and disregarded by God and God's people.
Hal is going insane because he has no impulse control. He has skin problems, which lead to scratching, which lead to sores, which he then picks all day and all night long. He bites his nails, he pulls his hair. He picks his skin. He can't stop. He must cover his whole body at all times so people don't think he has leprosy.
Inez has obsessive-compulsive disorder, coupled with extreme paranoid delusions. She thinks that every sound she makes generates a part of a word in some cosmic spirit realm, and if she doesn't dictate what words are formed, an evil declaration will be uttered, causing herself or someone she cares about to be cursed. Deep down, she doesn't truly believe these things, and yet she does...and yet she doesn't...and yet she does.
Jake doesn't know how to forgive. Every hurt from his past, every wrong that has been perpetrated against him is remembered and he has emotional scars going down to the earth's core. Every memory inflames his emotions and he hates, and hates, and can't stop hating. If people would only apologize for what they did to him, he could let it go. But they don't. And he can't.
Kelly has had about 15 different anti-depression drugs in that many years, and about that many therapists as well. Now she has no insurance and relies on DVDs to take her out of her own life. But it never quite works, because she can still see her surroundings, even with the lights off. She's waiting for them to manufacture a TV set that enables you to actually jump into the screen and join the world that you're watching. She hopes they invent it soon...very, very, very soon.
Linda hates her job, and before you say, "Everyone hates their job," she would have you know that she, in fact, hates hers much more than everyone else hates theirs. The problem is, she's not qualified to do anything else. She can't afford school, and even if she got a big fancy degree, she's too old; nobody would want her.
Mike is happy. He's got a beautiful girlfriend and a good job that pays well. He loves his family. He loves spending time with his friends, BBQing, watching football, going line dancing from time to time. But he's afraid of losing it all.
Nelson wonders where his fear comes from. He's in his 40's but is afraid of the dark. He's afraid of his bedroom at night. He sleeps in the living room with a light on. It wasn't always like this. What happened? He wonders what's next, bed-wetting?
Odin jokingly refers to himself as "the Happy Fornicator". He wonders what's wrong with pleasing the body? He sees lust as a lifeforce. It motivates him, inspires him, energizes him. Beauty is everywhere, and he wants to seize it all. Sex is the method of acquisition. It transforms him into something better than what he would otherwise be. So his objective in life is two-fold: 1.) experience ecstasy as much as possible, and 2.) become beautiful by association.
Palmer missed the boat. He was never really a child, and now that he's grown-up, he wants to be one. He was never a delinquent teenager either, drinking and smoking and rebelling. Now he wants to go back and try it. In his early adulthood, he was never wild and fearless, never took chances, never partied, always cautious. And now, at an age when he's expected to be mature and sensible, he is emotionally paralyzed, locked away inside a mental coma of regret and dreams of missed opportunities.
Quinn has chronic pain. They say it's all in his head.
Rachel cried when her ferret died, and people didn't really understand because, after all, it was just a ferret. It wasn't even a dog. Its brain was probably smaller than a pea. But it was innocent like a child, and sweet, without a shred of malice, and as far as Rachel is concerned, she would rather be in a room full of ferrets than a world full of humans.
Sid has a problem with methamphetamine. It's just that it sunk its claws into him after just once, and he can't stop any more than he can climb Mt. Everest. And though he's always cared very much about his physical appearance, he's losing his teeth. Soon he will not go out to show himself, except to, you know, get more.
Tori's boyfriend broke up with her. And because she built her whole identity around him, she realizes she may as well not exist. She turns on the bath water.
Udell will never forget his sister Tori, who he found in a blood-filled bathtub, though he sometimes wishes he could.
Vince saw a newspaper across the table, and on it, a picture of some high school kid smiling awkwardly into the camera. He wonders how many points the young lad scored at last night's basketball game. But when he picks up the paper, he sees it's just the latest casualty in the Iraq war.
Wanda was disappointed to learn that, according to the new store policy, an employee had to work at least 1,000 hours last year to earn their vacation for this year. And though two decades of service and seniority had earned her a month of vacation per year up to this point, she only worked 995 hours last year, so..............
Xavier is mad that I have to mention him just so that I have a name beginning with X.
Yolanda loves the Lord, but she's never had that blessed assurance of salvation. She's always worried that she's done something to mess it up, or that she will do something. She's full of sinful desires, and what if she can't repent in time? What if the Lord comes, and she gets caught with her hand in the cookie jar?
Zell just kneels on the floor and wonders what God had in mind for him...Did he miss God's divine plan? He's getting older, so old...How will he know it's not too late to do whatever he's meant to do? How will he be ready when the time comes? How will he know what to do? He listens and listens but hears nothing. He looks up and cries, "What do You want?!" And then he remembers how many dreams he had that got tossed away by the wind, and he wonders if what he wants matters to God. Does what I want matter?
And I hurt. And only God knows how much I hurt. And only God has the remedy. Jesus Christ left His home in Heaven to live as a lowly man on Earth, and He lived a sin-free life. But no one knows the thoughts He had, no one knows His feelings. They are not recorded. I say I hurt, and Jesus says, "Yes I know. I did too. And I still do. I hurt for you. And I love you more than you can imagine." At least...That's what I feel He's speaking to my heart. You know, there are many questions I have which are yet unanswered. There are many things that most Christians take for granted. But I wait on God. And I trust Him.
Here's an interesting discussion. It will explain a little about the next paragraph.
Last night, I sat on a deck chair and looked up at the stars, and cried, "Abba, Father." I wonder if I should share something so personal...People share this personal stuff all the time, don't they? Listen to preachers; they'll tell you of intimate discussions with God. To be sure, there are some things I would not share but I can share this. "Father, Father," I said. "I am hurt. I am hurt." And I did not know what to say after that, and I was called in for a haircut anyway, so I left God with those words from me to Him, understanding that I would return later on.
Jesus promised His disciples that anything we ask in His name, He will do it (John 14:13), but the unspoken caveat is this: it has to be in accordance with the Father's will. I mean, technically, can we really ask anything in His name if it doesn't meet that qualification? Why would He want to put His name on something that was against His Father's holy and righteous plan? To quote another dangerous passage, "Delight yourself in the LORD; And He will give you the desires of your heart" (Psalm 37:4). In Matthew 6:33, Jesus says that all your needs will be given you but you must seek first the Kingdom of God.
Why am I quoting these Scriptures? It certainly isn't to sound educated. In fact, it will become apparent that I don't completely understand them. The other question you might be asking is, why was I hurt? Well, it might be kind of hard to explain. As the trite R.E.M. song declares, everyone does.
[NOTE: I am not all these people!]
Aloysius hurts because he was given a name that causes people to make fun of him. He would change it, but he doesn't want to hurt his parents' feelings. He loves them, but why, oh why, did they saddle him with that?
Ben hurts because he doesn't like his body. He wonders why some people have a metabolism that burns up calories like wildfire and no excess fat is stored, even though they eat whatever they want. Ben loves food, but all it gets him is fat. Food is comfort (hence the phrase, "comfort food") and Lord knows he needs comfort in these troubled times, but none of his clothes fit him anymore. And exercise is...Uh, what is THAT?!?!
Connor is in okay shape, but he has a hump. He tries not to think of Quasimodo, but he can't help it. There's nothing doctors can do. And he's screamed at God many, many times over this, let me tell you.
Diane is angry because she's not a lightweight. She'll drink and drink, but it seems so hard anymore to get that buzzed feeling, much less drunk. What she does feel is that general yuckiness, that bad taste in her mouth, the headache. A few cocktails used to be at first soothing, then uplifting, even enlightening. But now...She might as well be drinking water.
Enid also gets teased at school, but not so much because of her name, although it doesn't help. She is...Well, she's ugly. And every single day, when she wakes up and is about to go to school, she KNOWS that she will be treated like something less than human. She knows that she will have to fight with all that is in her to make her not want to turn a gun on herself.
Flynn thinks he is radioactive. There are some people that attract others like magnets, crowds flock to them. With Flynn, it is the opposite. He has racked his brain for decades, trying to figure out why people don't like him, but he is ever stumped. He clears rooms, but it's not a result of flatulence. He doesn't understand; it's just him.
Gary loves someone with all his heart. But others say that his love is wrong and evil, and he thinks he has to believe them or else. He looks around at married couples with their kids and bitterly laments that this is the "right way, God's way". But his heart aches because that isn't him, and he asks God if he must have an artificial heart, for it contains something that seems precious to him, only to be trampled underfoot and disregarded by God and God's people.
Hal is going insane because he has no impulse control. He has skin problems, which lead to scratching, which lead to sores, which he then picks all day and all night long. He bites his nails, he pulls his hair. He picks his skin. He can't stop. He must cover his whole body at all times so people don't think he has leprosy.
Inez has obsessive-compulsive disorder, coupled with extreme paranoid delusions. She thinks that every sound she makes generates a part of a word in some cosmic spirit realm, and if she doesn't dictate what words are formed, an evil declaration will be uttered, causing herself or someone she cares about to be cursed. Deep down, she doesn't truly believe these things, and yet she does...and yet she doesn't...and yet she does.
Jake doesn't know how to forgive. Every hurt from his past, every wrong that has been perpetrated against him is remembered and he has emotional scars going down to the earth's core. Every memory inflames his emotions and he hates, and hates, and can't stop hating. If people would only apologize for what they did to him, he could let it go. But they don't. And he can't.
Kelly has had about 15 different anti-depression drugs in that many years, and about that many therapists as well. Now she has no insurance and relies on DVDs to take her out of her own life. But it never quite works, because she can still see her surroundings, even with the lights off. She's waiting for them to manufacture a TV set that enables you to actually jump into the screen and join the world that you're watching. She hopes they invent it soon...very, very, very soon.
Linda hates her job, and before you say, "Everyone hates their job," she would have you know that she, in fact, hates hers much more than everyone else hates theirs. The problem is, she's not qualified to do anything else. She can't afford school, and even if she got a big fancy degree, she's too old; nobody would want her.
Mike is happy. He's got a beautiful girlfriend and a good job that pays well. He loves his family. He loves spending time with his friends, BBQing, watching football, going line dancing from time to time. But he's afraid of losing it all.
Nelson wonders where his fear comes from. He's in his 40's but is afraid of the dark. He's afraid of his bedroom at night. He sleeps in the living room with a light on. It wasn't always like this. What happened? He wonders what's next, bed-wetting?
Odin jokingly refers to himself as "the Happy Fornicator". He wonders what's wrong with pleasing the body? He sees lust as a lifeforce. It motivates him, inspires him, energizes him. Beauty is everywhere, and he wants to seize it all. Sex is the method of acquisition. It transforms him into something better than what he would otherwise be. So his objective in life is two-fold: 1.) experience ecstasy as much as possible, and 2.) become beautiful by association.
Palmer missed the boat. He was never really a child, and now that he's grown-up, he wants to be one. He was never a delinquent teenager either, drinking and smoking and rebelling. Now he wants to go back and try it. In his early adulthood, he was never wild and fearless, never took chances, never partied, always cautious. And now, at an age when he's expected to be mature and sensible, he is emotionally paralyzed, locked away inside a mental coma of regret and dreams of missed opportunities.
Quinn has chronic pain. They say it's all in his head.
Rachel cried when her ferret died, and people didn't really understand because, after all, it was just a ferret. It wasn't even a dog. Its brain was probably smaller than a pea. But it was innocent like a child, and sweet, without a shred of malice, and as far as Rachel is concerned, she would rather be in a room full of ferrets than a world full of humans.
Sid has a problem with methamphetamine. It's just that it sunk its claws into him after just once, and he can't stop any more than he can climb Mt. Everest. And though he's always cared very much about his physical appearance, he's losing his teeth. Soon he will not go out to show himself, except to, you know, get more.
Tori's boyfriend broke up with her. And because she built her whole identity around him, she realizes she may as well not exist. She turns on the bath water.
Udell will never forget his sister Tori, who he found in a blood-filled bathtub, though he sometimes wishes he could.
Vince saw a newspaper across the table, and on it, a picture of some high school kid smiling awkwardly into the camera. He wonders how many points the young lad scored at last night's basketball game. But when he picks up the paper, he sees it's just the latest casualty in the Iraq war.
Wanda was disappointed to learn that, according to the new store policy, an employee had to work at least 1,000 hours last year to earn their vacation for this year. And though two decades of service and seniority had earned her a month of vacation per year up to this point, she only worked 995 hours last year, so..............
Xavier is mad that I have to mention him just so that I have a name beginning with X.
Yolanda loves the Lord, but she's never had that blessed assurance of salvation. She's always worried that she's done something to mess it up, or that she will do something. She's full of sinful desires, and what if she can't repent in time? What if the Lord comes, and she gets caught with her hand in the cookie jar?
Zell just kneels on the floor and wonders what God had in mind for him...Did he miss God's divine plan? He's getting older, so old...How will he know it's not too late to do whatever he's meant to do? How will he be ready when the time comes? How will he know what to do? He listens and listens but hears nothing. He looks up and cries, "What do You want?!" And then he remembers how many dreams he had that got tossed away by the wind, and he wonders if what he wants matters to God. Does what I want matter?
And I hurt. And only God knows how much I hurt. And only God has the remedy. Jesus Christ left His home in Heaven to live as a lowly man on Earth, and He lived a sin-free life. But no one knows the thoughts He had, no one knows His feelings. They are not recorded. I say I hurt, and Jesus says, "Yes I know. I did too. And I still do. I hurt for you. And I love you more than you can imagine." At least...That's what I feel He's speaking to my heart. You know, there are many questions I have which are yet unanswered. There are many things that most Christians take for granted. But I wait on God. And I trust Him.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Tales
It might seem from this third entry in only a few days that I plan to be very prolific and just purge my soul faster than people can read it. Well, I think it may start out that way...It may be like that for a couple weeks because I feel like I've built up a lot of things that I now want to share with others. I hope that people will take time to read the older entries.
I want to talk a little bit about the last ten months because certainly they've been transformative for me, and I've had some odd experiences that I didn't know how deeply God may have been involved in them. Learning to hear His voice is not always easy, and so I share these things hoping that someone might find something to relate to.
The journey began when I left my job at Kmart last July. Things had been very tumultuous for me there. I had a lot of emotional issues with various coworkers, and I felt like in some ways, I wasn't being treated right. I had been there around 6 years and things had never been perfect, but I just reached a breaking point. Later I would regret making the rash decision to quit, but at the time, it seemed reasonable. Nobody argued with me and tried to get me to stay, and I took that as a sign that I was right. The problem is (and this was before our country's economy went down the toilet), I had some real fear and insecurity issues. The job at Kmart took me a long time to find, and it was at first very hard for me. So now here I was, knowing that I needed to have a job, but terrified about the process. And this fear basically turned into refusal. I simply could not bring myself to try to find work. All I did was try to get back on at Kmart, but I could not. In addition, I had recently quit film school and put aside a long-time dream of mine to be a filmmaker. Now I was home alone constantly without close friends, extremely lonely and depressed, and thinking often about suicide. I didn't want to take my own life, but I prayed to God, asking if He would take me home.
At this point, I would like to apologize if I sound at all like someone who just craves attention and likes to dramatize. I'm not looking for people to come to me and say, "You were suicidal? Oh you poor dear!" (Sadly, being suicidal is not an unusual thing for people to feel in our society.) But if you're describing a journey across a continent, you can't skip the part where you were in the desert. And everyone is there at some point. In fact, I started noticing on various web sites and message boards where people expressed similar feelings, and I began to try reaching out to them, praying for them, saying I was available to them. I just felt this enormous wave of concern whenever I would run across this because I realized that some people don't understand what's it's like to feel so desperate and hopeless. I had reached out to people that I thought were friends, only to have them kind of ignore me and not try to help. Well, I didn't want to be like that. I never want to be like that.
For the first several months after I quit my job, I was dealing with an intense obsession, and whenever I talked to God, it was mostly about trying to convince Him to grant me this particular thing that I wanted, this thing with which I was obsessed. Obsession is a very painful thing to go through because you KNOW that it's wrong, you know that God doesn't approve; it's like an idol. If you're so obsessed about something that you care more about it than anything else, even God, and the only time you talk to God, you're talking to Him about the obsession, that's a problem. And yet I could not shake it. Part of me didn't want to.
Meanwhile, I got a prophetic word that said God wanted me to intensely draw closer to Him during this downtime. I was supposed to read His word, and develop a prayer life. I was to get to know Him, and let Him get to know me. This was more important than anything. Well, it was pretty hard at first because it required discipline and making adjustments. And to be honest, I don't feel like I've gone even half as far as He wanted me to, in terms of time spent and devotion. I watch way too much TV, listen to too much music (and I don't listen to Christian music very much), sleep waaaayyyy too much, but more than anything, I sit in front of my computer checking my various email and networking sites for messages. I go back and forth between them for hours, even when I'm not receiving any messages!
I read a book about a convicted criminal who's locked up for many years. I won't tell you who it is, but I felt a great stirring of compassion for this person, and I felt led to write to him. I got a PO Box for this sort of communication for when I didn't want people to know my address. I spent weeks thinking about and praying for this person, imagining what a correspondence with him would be like. He wrote back and said thank you for my letter, but I have yet to hear from him again, which I find sad. I wonder what God's purpose was...Did He really have one or was it just something that was from my own heart? Does God still want to do something here?
One night, at about 3 AM, I had a scary and moving experience. I had earlier prayed a prayer that was somewhat unique for me. I asked God to help me to be available to Him, if He needed me for something, or if someone else needed me. There's an old Petra song called "I Am Available". Well, it was raining hard and I was out on the deck with this big red umbrella. I live next to a school, and across the parking lot and on the other side of the school, I began to hear this horrendous screaming. It was coming from a young man. He was just crying out in these loud, anguished bursts. Soon I saw him emerge from around the corner, coming in my direction. Though it was raining hard, he had no shirt. And he was just still screaming repeatedly. I wondered what could be wrong? What if he had been stabbed? Maybe it was a bad drug trip. I had never seen anyone in this state. I wanted to do something. I started to pray. But, my friends, now is when you wish you had discernment like the heroes of the Bible, where you could hear God's voice audibly. What do I do, God?!?!?! I could have turned on the light and he would have seen me in the distance holding the big red umbrella. I could have shouted, "What's wrong?" I could have gone to him. But I hid because I was afraid of him seeing me. And I let him pass our block and continue down the neighborhood, screaming. I prayed some more. Soon the police came, obviously having been called by someone. That someone should have been me. I don't know if they found him. I don't know what was wrong or if he is okay.
If I failed that test, maybe I passed a different one. I was searching Craigslist ads and I came across one that announced its poster was going to kill himself. He added a link to his blog site, which I went to and on it, there was a video explaining why he was going to kill himself. Panic sets in. God, what do I do? I asked my parents for advice, and eventually I called 911. They never called me back; I don't know what they found when they investigated. The video blog was deleted, and then re-posted several hours later. When I saw it had been re-posted, I wondered if I was supposed to call 911 again. I didn't. Kept praying. I posted a comment to his blog that said something like, "God loves you and so do I...contact me." But soon after, that blog was deleted as well, and there's been nothing on that blog site since.
I don't always give money to people who ask for it, as I'm walking the streets of downtown Portland on my way to the bus stop. But one day, a man asked, and I felt that I should. And his response was of such surprise and gratitude, it warmed my heart. "Wait a minute," he said. "You're supposed to ignore me. You're supposed to keep walking by." He acted like I was the most generous person in the world for giving him a dollar or something. (I don't think I had a lot more than that in my pocket, and I had to get home myself.) And coming away, I had to thank God for giving me that chance because I felt like, "God, you did not make that happen for him, you made it happen for ME!"
I started taking walks last fall. Well, I had a lot of time on my hands. Sometimes during these walks I'd talk to myself, and often, I'd talk to God. We had some heated discussions. I said some things I shouldn't have. I asked forgiveness, and then He would speak to my heart. I noticed things about the beauty of nature that I had not noticed before, at least not as much. The many different vibrant shades of the fall leaves, for instance. And sunsets. I was in awe of how lovely God's earth is. And then when the snow and ice storms came, I was actually happy because it was something we don't experience that often here, and I went out and felt like a little kid walking through the snowy fields. It was bliss.
Lastly, I thank God for my friends Holly and Michael. They helped me through a hard time, and I love them.
I want to talk a little bit about the last ten months because certainly they've been transformative for me, and I've had some odd experiences that I didn't know how deeply God may have been involved in them. Learning to hear His voice is not always easy, and so I share these things hoping that someone might find something to relate to.
The journey began when I left my job at Kmart last July. Things had been very tumultuous for me there. I had a lot of emotional issues with various coworkers, and I felt like in some ways, I wasn't being treated right. I had been there around 6 years and things had never been perfect, but I just reached a breaking point. Later I would regret making the rash decision to quit, but at the time, it seemed reasonable. Nobody argued with me and tried to get me to stay, and I took that as a sign that I was right. The problem is (and this was before our country's economy went down the toilet), I had some real fear and insecurity issues. The job at Kmart took me a long time to find, and it was at first very hard for me. So now here I was, knowing that I needed to have a job, but terrified about the process. And this fear basically turned into refusal. I simply could not bring myself to try to find work. All I did was try to get back on at Kmart, but I could not. In addition, I had recently quit film school and put aside a long-time dream of mine to be a filmmaker. Now I was home alone constantly without close friends, extremely lonely and depressed, and thinking often about suicide. I didn't want to take my own life, but I prayed to God, asking if He would take me home.
At this point, I would like to apologize if I sound at all like someone who just craves attention and likes to dramatize. I'm not looking for people to come to me and say, "You were suicidal? Oh you poor dear!" (Sadly, being suicidal is not an unusual thing for people to feel in our society.) But if you're describing a journey across a continent, you can't skip the part where you were in the desert. And everyone is there at some point. In fact, I started noticing on various web sites and message boards where people expressed similar feelings, and I began to try reaching out to them, praying for them, saying I was available to them. I just felt this enormous wave of concern whenever I would run across this because I realized that some people don't understand what's it's like to feel so desperate and hopeless. I had reached out to people that I thought were friends, only to have them kind of ignore me and not try to help. Well, I didn't want to be like that. I never want to be like that.
For the first several months after I quit my job, I was dealing with an intense obsession, and whenever I talked to God, it was mostly about trying to convince Him to grant me this particular thing that I wanted, this thing with which I was obsessed. Obsession is a very painful thing to go through because you KNOW that it's wrong, you know that God doesn't approve; it's like an idol. If you're so obsessed about something that you care more about it than anything else, even God, and the only time you talk to God, you're talking to Him about the obsession, that's a problem. And yet I could not shake it. Part of me didn't want to.
Meanwhile, I got a prophetic word that said God wanted me to intensely draw closer to Him during this downtime. I was supposed to read His word, and develop a prayer life. I was to get to know Him, and let Him get to know me. This was more important than anything. Well, it was pretty hard at first because it required discipline and making adjustments. And to be honest, I don't feel like I've gone even half as far as He wanted me to, in terms of time spent and devotion. I watch way too much TV, listen to too much music (and I don't listen to Christian music very much), sleep waaaayyyy too much, but more than anything, I sit in front of my computer checking my various email and networking sites for messages. I go back and forth between them for hours, even when I'm not receiving any messages!
I read a book about a convicted criminal who's locked up for many years. I won't tell you who it is, but I felt a great stirring of compassion for this person, and I felt led to write to him. I got a PO Box for this sort of communication for when I didn't want people to know my address. I spent weeks thinking about and praying for this person, imagining what a correspondence with him would be like. He wrote back and said thank you for my letter, but I have yet to hear from him again, which I find sad. I wonder what God's purpose was...Did He really have one or was it just something that was from my own heart? Does God still want to do something here?
One night, at about 3 AM, I had a scary and moving experience. I had earlier prayed a prayer that was somewhat unique for me. I asked God to help me to be available to Him, if He needed me for something, or if someone else needed me. There's an old Petra song called "I Am Available". Well, it was raining hard and I was out on the deck with this big red umbrella. I live next to a school, and across the parking lot and on the other side of the school, I began to hear this horrendous screaming. It was coming from a young man. He was just crying out in these loud, anguished bursts. Soon I saw him emerge from around the corner, coming in my direction. Though it was raining hard, he had no shirt. And he was just still screaming repeatedly. I wondered what could be wrong? What if he had been stabbed? Maybe it was a bad drug trip. I had never seen anyone in this state. I wanted to do something. I started to pray. But, my friends, now is when you wish you had discernment like the heroes of the Bible, where you could hear God's voice audibly. What do I do, God?!?!?! I could have turned on the light and he would have seen me in the distance holding the big red umbrella. I could have shouted, "What's wrong?" I could have gone to him. But I hid because I was afraid of him seeing me. And I let him pass our block and continue down the neighborhood, screaming. I prayed some more. Soon the police came, obviously having been called by someone. That someone should have been me. I don't know if they found him. I don't know what was wrong or if he is okay.
If I failed that test, maybe I passed a different one. I was searching Craigslist ads and I came across one that announced its poster was going to kill himself. He added a link to his blog site, which I went to and on it, there was a video explaining why he was going to kill himself. Panic sets in. God, what do I do? I asked my parents for advice, and eventually I called 911. They never called me back; I don't know what they found when they investigated. The video blog was deleted, and then re-posted several hours later. When I saw it had been re-posted, I wondered if I was supposed to call 911 again. I didn't. Kept praying. I posted a comment to his blog that said something like, "God loves you and so do I...contact me." But soon after, that blog was deleted as well, and there's been nothing on that blog site since.
I don't always give money to people who ask for it, as I'm walking the streets of downtown Portland on my way to the bus stop. But one day, a man asked, and I felt that I should. And his response was of such surprise and gratitude, it warmed my heart. "Wait a minute," he said. "You're supposed to ignore me. You're supposed to keep walking by." He acted like I was the most generous person in the world for giving him a dollar or something. (I don't think I had a lot more than that in my pocket, and I had to get home myself.) And coming away, I had to thank God for giving me that chance because I felt like, "God, you did not make that happen for him, you made it happen for ME!"
I started taking walks last fall. Well, I had a lot of time on my hands. Sometimes during these walks I'd talk to myself, and often, I'd talk to God. We had some heated discussions. I said some things I shouldn't have. I asked forgiveness, and then He would speak to my heart. I noticed things about the beauty of nature that I had not noticed before, at least not as much. The many different vibrant shades of the fall leaves, for instance. And sunsets. I was in awe of how lovely God's earth is. And then when the snow and ice storms came, I was actually happy because it was something we don't experience that often here, and I went out and felt like a little kid walking through the snowy fields. It was bliss.
Lastly, I thank God for my friends Holly and Michael. They helped me through a hard time, and I love them.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Welcome & Disclaimer
This is my new blog. It deals particularly with my spiritual walk. I am interested in sharing my personal thoughts about God and faith, and my personal experiences and testimonies with other Christians, as well as those of my friends who just might be interested in knowing about these things. I suppose some might feel it's self-absorbed or prideful to talk about these things, but my hope is that it will inspire mutual sharing with my readers. I know that we're not supposed to focus on ourselves but on God...But I think sometimes we need to help each other.
Now I feel that it is very important for me to state some things which could be called disclaimers. Although I go to a church, I don't claim to represent that congregation and everyone in it and all its views 100% of the time. I am an individual, and I have some of my own views, which may not match those of other Christians, including those reading this blog. I admit that some of my views may be wrong or contrary to Biblical teaching. We all err sometimes, and it is my ultimate goal to make sure that my views do align with what God says. If anyone believes that I am in error and wants to correct me, I only ask that you do so prayerfully, so that I may hear what God wants you to say to me, and not just your own viewpoint. I will do the same for you.
Although this is a Christian blog and I'm not likely to use swear words or anything like that, I want to caution parents that it is not meant for children. I'm 35, I don't have kids, and my issues and struggles are very grown up. I'm sure that most of you guys screen what they see on the computer anyway.
I think one of the reasons I want to do this blog is just as another means to connect with others. I tend to be a fairly shy person, not very outspoken, and sometimes I get lost in the crowd. Sometimes I don't share good and valuable things that I have to share because I feel too anxious or invisible. Well, rather than fretting about how I'm not enough a part of things, I figured I should utilize my skills, which pertain to the written word. I'm much more articulate that way, and probably more honest too.
So let me now tell you a little bit about me. Some already know this stuff, so they can skim. I was raised in a Christian family, and so even though you do have that moment of accountability where you accept Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior, I have always been a believer. When I was quite young, I was in love with Jesus. I saw Him once in person, up in the clouds on a park bench where He met me...Now, this could be called a dream or a vision, but I tend to believe it was real. I'm not sure how easily I can convey in words what He said because He spoke to my heart, not so much words in my head.
My family went to Oregon City Assembly of God in the late 70's and early 80's. We stopped going for reasons that I can't quite remember. I believe it was something political. And for the next several years, our version of church was watching Jimmy Swaggart on TV on Sunday morning, and let me tell you that was torture! I have been warned not to speak against God's anointed ministers, but let me just say that there are some like Swaggart and John Hagee today whose ministries just clash very hard with my own spirit, and it's difficult to imagine learning from them. I don't doubt that they have helped many to be brought to the Lord, but as some people are allergic to certain foods which are greatly beneficial to others, I have a spiritual allergy to certain types of ministry. I could say more, but I won't.
In the late 90's I began to have a number of psychological and emotional problems, ranging from severe depression to anxiety and OCD. I sought help but at the time, not much was known about what I was going through. As a family, we decided that it was time to return to fellowship with other Christians. (I mean my mom and I did.) We decided to go to New Hope Community Church in Clackamas. It was kind of an arbitrary decision, influenced by that big glowing cross that you can see driving by on the freeway. It was like Christ Himself beckoning us. I joined the youth group and was pretty happy there, although I did not make the social connections I wanted. My mother was NOT happy because I think she just didn't feel like the adult services came "alive" for her. And I can testify to feeling the same way because I did attend a couple of them.
That was 1989, and the following year, we moved on to a different church, much smaller and more "charismatic" called Christian Life Church, and the pastor there helped me with a lot of the mental problems I was suffering from. But there was a limit to what he could do, so I started seeing a Christian counselor at Ring of Fire Ministries, and I saw her for a few months until she also decided that she could do no more. I saw a man who was in the field of deliverance, but he decided he could not perform deliverance on me, because I was unwilling to make certain changes in my life at that point in time. I was still in high school. He didn't even want me to listen to Christian rock. Later, we switched churches again to Harvest Christian Center, which also was very small and "charismatic". (I don't mean to say, by putting that word in quotes, that I don't believe in the gifts of the Spirit; I guess I don't know why I'm putting it in quotes except to point out that it's a label.) I tried to receive counseling from the pastor there, and had a horrendous experience, and from that point, I was done with church...until 2009.
During those interim years, I drifted away, not from the faith, but from any attempt at obedience. I still believed in God, still prayed every day, still talked to God like my best friend, and indeed, He was. But I was not following Him. Last fall, I reached another crisis point, and I realized--as in 1989--that the only solution was to draw closer to Him by reading His word and by seeking out fellowship. My experiences at New Hope, twenty years later, would lead me to the group I'm now a part of, Won By One.
What about all those problems I had in high school? Well, they have come and gone over the years. I have had times in my life where I was mostly free from them, but now is not one such time. Depression, anxiety, mental confusion, OCD, paranoid delusions, and addictive & self-destructive behaviors are all things that I've been struggling with. I know without a doubt that Jesus is the answer for these issues, but I just don't know exactly what that looks like. I believe in divine healing, but I've not witnessed it and my faith in that area is weak.
But strangely, more than those issues, I am focused on trying to be a part of this body, and contribute as best I can. This blog is called Love One Another because that is what I want to do here and now with this group, share God's love and be there for anyone who needs help. Yes, if anyone has a need and thinks that I may be of service, please contact me. I invite everyone to share their thoughts and leave comments or ask questions. Please let's not argue though. Remember the title of this blog, which is one of the last commandments that Christ gave before dying on the cross. This blog is about my personal journey, but I don't want to take this journey alone. I hope to find out I have some things in common with a few folks; right now it doesn't seem so. For instance, everyone is married with kids. There are things about my life and who I am that are so different from what's considered "good, normal Christian", and that's one of the reasons I've resisted church for so long. Will I fit in? You say "Of course!" and open your arms, but realize I've never really fit in anywhere (except maybe Theatre) and people try to receive me but ultimately find it tough. Or maybe it's just me and my insecurity. One of my personal goals is to write a Christmas play (it's sort of been commissioned by my dad), and I hope to bring some other people in on it, and see if we might find a venue to perform it. I welcome ideas.
Well, that's enough for now, I guess. I don't even know if anyone will read this. Love and prayers for all who do!
Now I feel that it is very important for me to state some things which could be called disclaimers. Although I go to a church, I don't claim to represent that congregation and everyone in it and all its views 100% of the time. I am an individual, and I have some of my own views, which may not match those of other Christians, including those reading this blog. I admit that some of my views may be wrong or contrary to Biblical teaching. We all err sometimes, and it is my ultimate goal to make sure that my views do align with what God says. If anyone believes that I am in error and wants to correct me, I only ask that you do so prayerfully, so that I may hear what God wants you to say to me, and not just your own viewpoint. I will do the same for you.
Although this is a Christian blog and I'm not likely to use swear words or anything like that, I want to caution parents that it is not meant for children. I'm 35, I don't have kids, and my issues and struggles are very grown up. I'm sure that most of you guys screen what they see on the computer anyway.
I think one of the reasons I want to do this blog is just as another means to connect with others. I tend to be a fairly shy person, not very outspoken, and sometimes I get lost in the crowd. Sometimes I don't share good and valuable things that I have to share because I feel too anxious or invisible. Well, rather than fretting about how I'm not enough a part of things, I figured I should utilize my skills, which pertain to the written word. I'm much more articulate that way, and probably more honest too.
So let me now tell you a little bit about me. Some already know this stuff, so they can skim. I was raised in a Christian family, and so even though you do have that moment of accountability where you accept Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior, I have always been a believer. When I was quite young, I was in love with Jesus. I saw Him once in person, up in the clouds on a park bench where He met me...Now, this could be called a dream or a vision, but I tend to believe it was real. I'm not sure how easily I can convey in words what He said because He spoke to my heart, not so much words in my head.
My family went to Oregon City Assembly of God in the late 70's and early 80's. We stopped going for reasons that I can't quite remember. I believe it was something political. And for the next several years, our version of church was watching Jimmy Swaggart on TV on Sunday morning, and let me tell you that was torture! I have been warned not to speak against God's anointed ministers, but let me just say that there are some like Swaggart and John Hagee today whose ministries just clash very hard with my own spirit, and it's difficult to imagine learning from them. I don't doubt that they have helped many to be brought to the Lord, but as some people are allergic to certain foods which are greatly beneficial to others, I have a spiritual allergy to certain types of ministry. I could say more, but I won't.
In the late 90's I began to have a number of psychological and emotional problems, ranging from severe depression to anxiety and OCD. I sought help but at the time, not much was known about what I was going through. As a family, we decided that it was time to return to fellowship with other Christians. (I mean my mom and I did.) We decided to go to New Hope Community Church in Clackamas. It was kind of an arbitrary decision, influenced by that big glowing cross that you can see driving by on the freeway. It was like Christ Himself beckoning us. I joined the youth group and was pretty happy there, although I did not make the social connections I wanted. My mother was NOT happy because I think she just didn't feel like the adult services came "alive" for her. And I can testify to feeling the same way because I did attend a couple of them.
That was 1989, and the following year, we moved on to a different church, much smaller and more "charismatic" called Christian Life Church, and the pastor there helped me with a lot of the mental problems I was suffering from. But there was a limit to what he could do, so I started seeing a Christian counselor at Ring of Fire Ministries, and I saw her for a few months until she also decided that she could do no more. I saw a man who was in the field of deliverance, but he decided he could not perform deliverance on me, because I was unwilling to make certain changes in my life at that point in time. I was still in high school. He didn't even want me to listen to Christian rock. Later, we switched churches again to Harvest Christian Center, which also was very small and "charismatic". (I don't mean to say, by putting that word in quotes, that I don't believe in the gifts of the Spirit; I guess I don't know why I'm putting it in quotes except to point out that it's a label.) I tried to receive counseling from the pastor there, and had a horrendous experience, and from that point, I was done with church...until 2009.
During those interim years, I drifted away, not from the faith, but from any attempt at obedience. I still believed in God, still prayed every day, still talked to God like my best friend, and indeed, He was. But I was not following Him. Last fall, I reached another crisis point, and I realized--as in 1989--that the only solution was to draw closer to Him by reading His word and by seeking out fellowship. My experiences at New Hope, twenty years later, would lead me to the group I'm now a part of, Won By One.
What about all those problems I had in high school? Well, they have come and gone over the years. I have had times in my life where I was mostly free from them, but now is not one such time. Depression, anxiety, mental confusion, OCD, paranoid delusions, and addictive & self-destructive behaviors are all things that I've been struggling with. I know without a doubt that Jesus is the answer for these issues, but I just don't know exactly what that looks like. I believe in divine healing, but I've not witnessed it and my faith in that area is weak.
But strangely, more than those issues, I am focused on trying to be a part of this body, and contribute as best I can. This blog is called Love One Another because that is what I want to do here and now with this group, share God's love and be there for anyone who needs help. Yes, if anyone has a need and thinks that I may be of service, please contact me. I invite everyone to share their thoughts and leave comments or ask questions. Please let's not argue though. Remember the title of this blog, which is one of the last commandments that Christ gave before dying on the cross. This blog is about my personal journey, but I don't want to take this journey alone. I hope to find out I have some things in common with a few folks; right now it doesn't seem so. For instance, everyone is married with kids. There are things about my life and who I am that are so different from what's considered "good, normal Christian", and that's one of the reasons I've resisted church for so long. Will I fit in? You say "Of course!" and open your arms, but realize I've never really fit in anywhere (except maybe Theatre) and people try to receive me but ultimately find it tough. Or maybe it's just me and my insecurity. One of my personal goals is to write a Christmas play (it's sort of been commissioned by my dad), and I hope to bring some other people in on it, and see if we might find a venue to perform it. I welcome ideas.
Well, that's enough for now, I guess. I don't even know if anyone will read this. Love and prayers for all who do!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
