Why it's important to answer emails...at least for me

In this age of go-go-g0, get-ahead-at-all-costs, busy-busy-busy, breakneck pace and thrill-seeking, vicariously-living video game escapism, it seems overly fussy, whiny, persnickety, and most of all pointless to ask people to pay you the respect of getting back to you when you call, email or text them. Don't I know they have a life? Don't I know they'll address whatever they think is important and ignore the rest? Don't I know that to not answer is in itself an answer, albeit a rude one?

I'm not self-righteous. I don't pretend to be kind and respectful at all times, though I generally try to be. I try to take other people's feelings into account. If I can't offer them what they want of me, I try to let them down gently. Like a sales associate who has to apologize for not carrying the latest model, I try to offer a viable alternative. "No, we can't sleep together, but we can be friends." And if that's not enough for them, I apologize, as if it's my fault. Just because I want them to feel okay. I hate it when people don't feel okay, because...I know very well what that feels like.

But I've kind of strayed from the topic here. That was an extreme example. When I was in junior high, people would come up to me and say, "Can I be your friend?" A nice thought, except that it wasn't serious. They were making fun of the fact that I had no friends, like it was the most hilarious fucking thing in the world. Since then, I always have tried to choose friends in the same way a person might choose what looks good on a menu. This has typically resulted in rejection.

Nowadays, the relationships I have seem so tenuous that I've been terrified to ask anything of anybody, afraid even to email them, cos in the back of my mind I've expected them to hit me back just to say, "Y'know, I don't really want to be friends anymore." Cos friends have left. People I thought would always stick by me have disappeared.

So when people ignore my attempts to reach out to them, I know their intention might not be rudeness or any similar thing. But it just feels like rejection to me. It feels like, "I don't like you, I don't respect you, I wish you would go away." Maybe I just need people to send me periodic reminders that I mean something to them to prevent me from feeling insecure. But that's too much to ask. I know it is.

What I wish people knew about me

This is actually a Facebook note I thought I'd copy and put here.

Without boring everyone to tears, I'd like to say what one of the biggest struggles in my life has been, up to this point: making friends and keeping them. Now before you tune out, there is a reason I'm writing this. You see, for a long time I've suffered under the perception that in order to make friends (or hold onto them), I have to have some kind of gimmick. In other words, I didn't think people liked me just because I'm me, but only for what I could potentially offer them. So instead of asking people to coffee, I present projects to them. "Be in my show" or whatever. Now, understand, I don't invite you to "be in my show" if I don't admire your abilities in whatever area I'm asking you to be involved in. If I don't think you're a good actor, I don't ask you to act for me. But it's never just about wanting you to be involved in my project. In fact, that's really secondary.

In a similar sense, although I love the arts and am a creative person, I don't think I would do it were it not for the social component because, often times, being involved in a show has really been the only social life this shy and isolated person has known.

But it has occured to me that presenting projects to people is kind of like trying to buy friends. It's an excuse to hang out. It's a way for me to feel less lonely. Cos I guess in my gut I have not believed that if I said to most people, "let's get a drink" or "let's take in a movie", that they would say yes. The fear is I would find out that while they may think I'm okay to work with, that's the limit of their regard for me. So believing this notion, I just skipped the regular social stuff and accepted that I could only interact in a work or creative, artisitic context.

But what I just realized this very day, and what prompted me to write this note, is that you guys can't read my mind or know my motivations. So when I always come to you repeatedly saying, "Do this project", you might have the false perception that I only like you for your artistic talents and just want to use you for my own artistic or monetary gain. Like being friends with talented people somehow gets me notoriety or puts money in my pocket. Of course that is often not the truth at all. And it's not my motivation in the slightest. But if you don't know me, you might not know better than to think it.

For me it's all about relationships with people. Who do I like to spend time with? Whose talents do I admire? Who do I think might be able to appreciate something I could share, whether it be a unique artistic vision or just kind words occasionally? I'm always wanting to give, but it's amazing how people can believe you just want to take. I am disadvantaged in the sense that I don't drive. So if you are someone who gives me rides to places, after a while you might believe that I think of you only as a taxi service. Not so. If you invite me to lunch and I say, "I'm sorry but I'm broke", I am not fishing for you to offer to buy me lunch. Oh, I accept offers, to be sure, but it is with the intense hope that you realize that you can always come to me and ask for anything that you need because I value you more than you know.