to love thyself

A few nights ago I had a series of dreams. I don't remember what they were about or exactly what happened in them, but what I do distinctly remember is that they all had to do with my getting embarrassed, making a fool of myself, or failing miserably, not living up to expectations, etc. I mean there were like 4 of these types of dreams in a row. Needless to say, when I woke up I felt a little battered. But I was also hit by a very strong feeling that God was trying to impress something on me: "LOVE YOURSELF."

Well, I thought I did. After all, I'm always looking out for my own best interests, right? But upon closer introspection I came to realize several things. There are a number of self-defeating patterns in my life. Because I have almost no self-worth, I don't take care of myself. I don't bother to look good. I don't take care of my body. And then I despair because I'm lonely.

In addition, most of my social relationships are based on unequal affection, with me caring about the other person 10 times more than the other person cares for me. I am always wanting more of the friendship, and trying to get closer to people when it's obvious that to them, I'm just a casual acquaintance. So I'm always feeling rejected by them, instead of facing reality and accepting the true nature of the relationship for what it is.

At the same time, there are relationships in which I feel like I'm taken advantage of, situations where I get obligated to do things I don't really want to do just because I feel like I have to honor that friendship. So I lose a bit of my own personal freedom in exchange for misguided loyalty.

If your right hand offends you, cut it off.

Why be involved with people who don't value you as much as you seem to value them? Why let others make decisions for you? Why obsess about what you cannot change? I've been doing all these things. I suppose it's because I've been afraid I would end up alone if I don't just "take what I can get". But also, I really don't know how to strive for something better.

Mysteries are solved one puzzle piece at a time. How do I find people who really care about me? I don't know, but I do know the beginning of the answer to that question: Care about myself. Love myself.  What does that look like?  Stay tuned.