Quitting Time

What do you do when faced with disappointment? How do you cope with failure? Is it different for a Christian than anyone else?

A long time ago, I hatched this notion of a Christmas-themed play because my dad wasn’t satisfied with the scripts they were using in the Grotto’s annual Festival of Lights production. So I poured a lot of prayer, passion, time and energy into creating a conglomeration of all the things I love most about the holiday season, while trying to illuminate its true meaning and relevance to humankind today. I wanted people to actually think of Christ instead of presents and food and other distractions. And I really felt for awhile that God Himself was behind it. Not that He was writing it through me, as in the case of Scripture, but that for the first time in my life, I was really doing a project “unto Him”. I trusted Him to make it possible, provide the finances, provide the actors. I’m not saying I just sat there and waited for them to drop into my lap. I took the usual steps to cast the show and raise money.

And in actuality, money wasn’t the problem; casting was. And the location, I think, had a lot to do with the casting problems. It was way out in the country outside of Gresham, in a building that leaks so much when it rains, you could almost drown. But I can’t ignore that many people don’t want to do a show with a Christian theme, unless they themselves are Christian. And my problem was, I didn’t want an all-Christian cast. Many of my social views are more liberal, and there is content in the play that I knew wouldn’t be “acceptable” to all Christians. This is the burden that I’ve bore for many, many years, being kind of “in the middle” with my views and attitudes on things. It is hard to find an audience that way, and it’s hard to find creative partners.

The few people involved in the show did not want me to give up. Friends encouraged me not to. But as director and producer, I have to look at the big picture. I’m spending other people’s money, I’m wasting other people’s time on something that may not come together in the end. There are many expenses and technical challenges that need to be addressed, and I can’t be spending hundreds of dollars only to discover that I don’t have enough actors.

Then people suggest you can compromise things. Cut some scenes, cut some actors, not worry about authentic looking costumes, etc. But just as I said to God, “I don’t want to do this unless You want it”, I also say, “I don’t want to do this substandard.” How does a mediocre project glorify God? (Anyone see those Left Behind movies???) It had to be good, or nothing.

So when a Christian fails, he (or she) asks, “Did I hear right from God? Was this really His will in the first place? Did I do something to disappoint Him and mess things up?” How can you know? Well, some people have greater levels of discernment than others. Some people know when God is speaking them; I tend not to. Some people just have too much clutter in their heads, and they can’t hear that still small inner voice.

But when a Christian fails, there’s always a bright side. Romans 8:28 says, “We know that to them that love God, all things work together for good, even to them that are called according to His purpose.” I don’t know why I failed. Maybe the timing wasn’t right. God can see things that we can’t. He can see if the grange would be flooded with rain on those nights we were to perform. He can see if nobody would want to come. He can see if it would be hated and a total disaster. Proverbs says, “lean not on your own understanding”, and I have to heed that. It seems like most all of my efforts to do theatre in this town seem to crash and burn and to let go of ambitions is a painful thing, and to feel like a failure is a blow to one’s self-image, but as Paul said of the thorn in his side, which God refused to remove, “God’s grace is sufficient for me.”

Always busy.

It makes me sad that people are so busy all of the time.

I made the above its own paragraph because it is such an enormous understatement, it really needs to stand out a bit. Maybe I should put it in all caps, bold, italics, and underline, maybe in a variety of different colors, maybe repeating 100 times, and that could be the entire content of the blog. Is anyone else lonely? Does anyone else feel alienated by the fast, breakneck pace of our daily lives? Does anyone else feel like human companionship is more important than getting ahead, making more money, always advancing forward to some imagined destination called "success"?

I admit that I'm different from most people. Although I have worked a normal job for many years, I have more often been unemployed. A combination of fear and passivity have kept me largely home-bound and socially isolated. But even when I've been involved in a job, school, and various social activities, I've found that I still haven't been happy. Why? Because it seemed like I could never make a real connection with people. They didn't want to hang out outside the job, outside the classroom, outside the theatre. And I couldn't understand why.

However friendships are formed, it must not be the way that I tend to try and form them. And among those people who I call friends, most of them I seldom see because they are constantly busy. They literally have no free time. Of course, that's not really true, but it's easy to say to someone if you want to put them off. Or if it is true, isn't there something wrong with that picture? It seems like nobody only works 40 hours a week anymore. Got to keep going above and beyond the call if you want to keep your job. People are pressured to give more and more of themselves to the company or the class assignment, they lose sleep, their health suffers, they lose touch with their family and friends, they no longer have time for the things they really enjoy, it's all just work, work, work, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go............

Now I admit that if I had a little work and a little "go, go, go" obligations myself, I wouldn't have as much time to feel lonely and isolated, but because everyone is in that Ultra-Ambition mode, I feel like they don't have time to get to know someone new, or even someone old, like me. Someone who just wants to feel a connection with people.

Now in the open

Many months ago, I heard from the Lord, and He told me that I had been hiding in the background, like someone who doesn't want to be noticed, whose gifts and abilities can't be utilized because doing for God requires boldness and freedom from fear. Well, at the time, I didn't really understand. I've almost always been open about my faith, not a "closet Christian". But recent events have showed me that I was not as open as I had believed I was.

I've always found it easier to make friends with unbelievers. I guess to start with, it was because for much of my childhood and teen years, then later my entire early adulthood, I didn't go to church. Add to that being gay and also being in the theatre community which is composed of 98% liberal humanists, it just makes sense that I wouldn't cross paths with that many other Christians. And I liked the open-mindedness of these artistic types. I liked not being judged for anything. And let's face it, Jesus Himself said that people are not to judge one another. But many Christians conveniently forget this.

But the Bible speaks of an end times apostasy that will take place, where more and more people will reject Christ utterly...And sometimes I look around and it seems like it's already begun. It's safer today to say that you're gay than to say you're a Christian. More people hate Christians than gays, at least in my circles. And to a certain extent, I almost can't blame the haters; it seems like it might be the Christians' fault for all their politicizing, for dividing America on issues like gay marriage and abortion. There is a growing hostility, a backlash that I feel now which I've not felt before. If you read the New Testament, it's full of warnings for the followers of Christ, warnings about rejections and persecutions. I always thought, "Well, that was back then in the early days of the faith", and it was, but I never thought it was a word for now. But it is. Persecution is here, it is coming, it is getting worse.

So here I am, a guy who always had trouble making friends, feeling incredibly lucky for the friends that I do have (I should not say lucky, I should say blessed), and I don't want to lose any of them because of my faith. In addition to this, I have wanted to be part of the theatre community in Portland for a long time, someone who is respected for his work and how he gets along with others. But like I said, by and large, the theatre community accepts spiritualism, but not so much "organized religion". So what do I do? Do I keep my mouth shut about my faith?

A couple years ago, my dad, who has worked yearly in the Grotto's Festival of Lights Christmas play, asked me if I could write my own Christmas script because he didn't like the ones they used at the Grotto. His hope was that they might decide to use mine instead. Well, they didn't. I was disappointed, but I decided to use those lemons to make lemonade and flesh out my idea into a full length Christmas script, one that would hopefully honor the Lord and remind people what the holiday is all about.

Recently I was presented with an opportunity to produce this play, and I am in that process now. But it has been a very strange experience for me. I have found that talking about it with others, posting audition notices, and trying to recruit friends to be involved has been emotionally difficult for me. I feel exposed, very self conscious, and insecure because I think that people are going to label me as a "Jesus Freak". I worry that people won't want to work with me because I'm "one of those people". Now I understand what it meant that I was "hiding". And what it means to step up.

I do not preach to my friends, or anyone else for that matter. Belief in God is the most personal choice you can make, and nobody can make that choice for you. Would I like my friends to know Jesus? Of course. It's like wanting your friends to eat healthy and exercise, to keep growing, to be successful. You want what's best for your friends. But you never push, and you never judge. You accept people as they are and don't criticize. And I can only hope that people will afford me the same courtesy. I may not think or believe like you, but I still like you, and hope you feel the same way in return. I am a Christian...but I'm also kind of a cool guy.

For my friends

Most people know that the Earth is round. It’s been proven so with satellite images. Indeed, planets in general, share this basic characteristic. If someone wanted to go back to the old way of thinking and try to believe that the Earth was flat, he would have a pretty hard time. No one around him would help support this lie. Sure, he could live in a world of make-believe, but what would be the point? The Earth is round, and there’s nothing anyone can do to change it. Even a worldwide nuclear holocaust probably would not change it.

So there are things in the Universe that are unchangeable. Some people are unchangeable, although not usually 100% so. God is unchangeable. Oh, you can evoke certain feelings in Him. You can pray and get a response. But His Word makes it fairly clear He’s the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. So while I hate to compare Him to a giant rock in the heavens, He is like a planet in that sense…except that even those heavenly bodies are not eternal the way that He is. He created them and He can destroy them.

So if we can’t change God, why do we feel the need to question His nature? It’s like questioning why the Earth can’t be flat. Part of the nature of God is that He’s holy. Holiness means completely free from sin. You know how if you’ve got a container of white paint, and you put just a drop of any other color in it, it is no longer a pure white paint. It is now a tint. Well, in the pallet of God’s holiness, no drop of sin is acceptable. His holy nature can’t abide it. That’s just the way He is. Why else would He send His own Son to die in order to atone for all our sin and wash away every spot of it from us? Desperate situations require desperate measures.

People don’t understand why a “good person” might go to Hell. Well, some people are so sinful that it’s like pouring a whole bucket of black paint into a tray filled with white. You know, I’m thinking murderers, rapists, politicians, reality TV hosts. But if that person sincerely accepts Jesus and His atoning sacrifice, it is as though every trace of that black paint is removed and you have all white again. This is a supernatural act of God; we can't cleanse ourselves any more than we could actually extract black paint once it's been poured into white. But Christ’s blood “washes whiter than snow”. The once evil man is now acceptable to God. (That does not mean that he doesn’t need to pay for his crimes in the natural world, according to the laws of the land.) But someone else has a little drop of another color added to his white tray. (It could be any color, if we say that all but white is sin in this less-than-perfect metaphor). This man is GOOD! He gives money to charitable causes. He feeds the poor. He helps old ladies across the street. In fact, he doesn’t do a thing for himself. But what’s his sin? It’s refusing to acknowledge the truth of Christ, and the price He paid for our salvation. This one sin taints the entire paint tray; it is not white. This person is not holy in God’s eyes because only Jesus Christ can make us holy and acceptable. Without Christ, God can’t forgive this person, and he will be lost.

Holiness is just a part of God’s nature. We can’t change it. Asking “why” will not change it. Stomping our feet at the perceived injustice of it all will not change it. God simply asks that we receive His Son. (Romans 10:9-10, Revelation 3:20, 1 John 1:9). And yet people act as though this is some kind of torturous ordeal. He doesn’t even ask that we be circumcised anymore! Why do we make things so much more difficult than they need to be?

But wait a minute, you say. I did not mention the need to repent of our sins. It is a decision you make when you accept Christ. It doesn't generally happen overnight. We don't always even know what sin is present in our lives. This is a gradual process that you take on with God, and in His love and grace, He helps you. If you are an avid reader of my blog, you know that I have sin issues. Everybody does. Getting those issues resolved is about much more than just pleasing God. Usually sin affects our health (physical or emotional, as well as spiritual) in negative ways. Once you realize repentance is a gift, you feel how much better off you are. But I don't expect anyone to believe me unless they experience it for themselves.

Have a little faith

Well, it has been a long time since I have written here. I entered a dark period after FOREVER PLAID...I knew I would. Maybe that's why it happened, too much negative thinking. I knew that it's always been difficult after a show, difficult to let go. So I find myself trying to keep in touch with everybody, as if I have enough in common with them to be buddies. I'm nearly twice their age, for goodness sake. Of course I always feel best hanging out with younger people, but that's my problem. My other problem is that I have always relied on projects to motivate people to associate with me, so I don't know how to socialize if I don't have a project to pitch.

A lot has changed in the spiritual realm since last I wrote. I quit going to the church I was going to. I got tired of worrying about whether they'd accept me because of my homosexuality. I convinced myself that they had rejected me, but I am not at all sure that's true. I don't even know who knew and who didn't. I never had the courage to even test those waters. I only sent out emails asking if they want to get coffee, and they were not responded to. So automatically, I assume they rejected me. There could be a million other reasons why, but I don't have the strength to sort it out.

So now I'm going to another church in Portland, and it isn't such a problem cos there's not really anybody there in my demographic to socialize with, so when I'm there, I just focus on God, and that's what it should be like anyway. They are a very different type of church...still Pentecostal (or charismatic, whichever you choose) but even more so than the other one. I'm learning a lot about the mountain moving power of faith, but progress is somewhat slow and I'm not yet that practiced in its application.

On a positive note, my proposed project for CoHo Productions, an original work called Between Heaven & Earth, is a finalist for their consideration to put on during their next season. We get interviewed in the next couple weeks, and basically I feel that if I do well smooth-talking in that interview, I should be doing a show for CoHo next season!!!!!!!!! This is so great cos they are one of the most prestigious companies in Portland, and it can really advance my directing career.

On a not-so-positive note, I have not yet secured the funding for my production of EQUUS, which was gonna be this spring, but now it may be postponed until I can raise some dough. I'm looking at mainstage maybe in August, but that costs more than a late-night slot (which was my original plan)...anyone want to make a donation to a new, upcoming theatre company?

And that reminds me, I need a name for my company. Two ideas come from songs: "Flavour of Night" (Robyn Hitchcock) and "Book of Dreams" (Suzanne Vega). Can I do that? I also thought of David & Jon, cos I love the whole thing about the relationship between David and Jonathan in the Old Testament. Water-2-Wine was another, but there's actually a wine company named that. Awestruck was a name I was gonna use like 10,000 years ago, doesn't thrill me so much anymore. Flyboy is another, inspired by my current favorite song, "Sleeps with Butterflies" by Tori Amos, the last line of which says, "So go on and fly, boy."

This week it's just me and Dad here at the house. And Dad has rehearsals at night. I want to entertain friends, but it has been hard to get people to come by. I live a long ways away from most people. I fancy myself a great dinner party host. Do you think there will be parties in Heaven? I hope so..................