Give Me A Reason

This weblog is not what I originally intended. And isn't that the way life goes sometimes, when you think you're doing something for a specific reason, but come to find out, it actually serves an entirely different purpose? You make a Big Decision in life cos you think you're Living the Dream, but in reality what you're really doing is learning a lesson about what happens when you go your own way and not ask God for guidance. You think you're going to the store to buy eggs and a loaf of bread, but it's really to help someone out with a flat tire. You don't know that when you're going out the door. You don't know it when you sit at your computer. What does He have in mind? I just know that I don't want all my days to be the same. I want my life to have purpose and direction. Being in tune with God is one of the best feelings there is.

So what I meant by this blog not being what I thought it was is that I meant for it to be read by people at my church, and by other friends who were believers. It hasn't turned out that way. My parents have read some entries, and one of my two blog followers is a Christian, but other than that, it's not fulfilled the purpose that I had in mind when creating it. It was going to be a back and forth flow of ideas between Christians, made up of testimonies and confessed struggles and encouragements. "Oh my brother, you're going through that too? Well, I just want to let you know you're not alone!" This was my vision.

But as I got more and more in depth in terms of the kinds of things I needed to talk about, I found myself desiring more for my non-Christian friends to read it...Not because I'm trying to convert them to Christianity, but because the thoughts and feelings recorded here are truly representative of what's going on in my life, and if they can read that, the idea is that they would better understand who I am and why I do some of the crazy things I do. Of course if they thought about Jesus too as a result, I could not complain.

Every Christian is brought up to recognize the importance of witnessing to non-believers. We're taught that Hell is a real place, an eternal torment. And so Christians reach out in love to people who don't want to hear it, people who don't really appreciate that the Jesus Freak is just trying to prevent them from suffering. And of course much of the time, it doesn't sound like love, it just sounds like condemnation. It sounds like "I'm holier than thou." And it's not supposed to be that way.

Of course, I have been a terrible witness most of my life. Oh, when I was a child, I had that wonderful green T-shirt with the painting of Christ on it that said, "I believe in miracles." And, you know, my third grade classmates actually really dug that shirt. But since then...Forget about it!!!

I became selfish, like every teenager and then young adult. I became full of lust, again like every teen and young adult male. I discovered alcohol...not that alcohol in itself is bad, but when you want to get wasted all the time, it's a signal that something might be wrong. I developed a love for violent imagery and coarse language in movies, TV, music, and literature. Of course being gay, I was estranged from the church. So generally the friends I made from junior high on were not Christians. I became an obsessively needy and dependant person...but it wasn't God I was leaning on, it was people who didn't even care about me. I developed anger management issues. I refused to take care of myself physically, emotionally, spiritually, just let myself go, indulged only in what felt good, never took the time to do anything healthy or productive. I let fear guide my choices and keep me from doing what was important. I followed my own heart's desires, not caring what was truly good for me or for the other people in my life, or what plan God might have for me. And, you know, I say all these things in the past tense, but don't think for a minute that I am through with all these issues. Christ has overcome the world; I, on the other hand, am still working on it.

But admitting your faith is hard. It is extremely important, but it is difficult, even more so than being openly gay. At least, in the circles I've hung out with, people are much more likely to embrace a gay person with open arms than a Christian. "Christians are hypocrites," they say. I say, yes they are, but so is everyone. It is part of human nature.

No one has ever asked me why I'm a Christian. That may be a good thing, because I don't know if I would have the right words to explain. But I want to try. And please, if this is really lame, know that I will be able to articulate it better someday.

You start with upbringing. You're raised to believe a certain way, and if you really believe what you're told, it's kind of hard to un-believe it. But that's only the beginning. Because you do reach a point in your life where you have to choose whether to continue in that faith. I think some people don't consciously make a choice, but their faith fades from them over time like colors in the wash. You ask them if they're a Christian and they say, "Uh, yeah I guess so" because that's how they were raised but they don't have a full, interactive relationship with God.

Having a relationship with God takes effort, because you have to think about what you're doing, and when God speaks to your heart that you have done something wrong, you have to ask forgiveness. You have to try to live in a way that reflects God's righteousness, and "die to self". But if you're like me, you get into this routine of just doing whatever you want whenever you want and then just asking for forgiveness afterward, and thinking everything is okay, but it's not because you're grieving God and damaging your relationship with Him.

So why go to the trouble? Is it just cos you don't want to burn in Hell? Well, that's a good question. I believe that Fire-&-Brimstone teaching as a method of bringing people to Christ is problematic to say the least. The reason is that people do not get a glimpse of just how loving God really is; they see Him as pretty harsh and mean to throw people in Hell...Where's the love? I thought God was love.

Well, all you have to do to know about God's love is to study the life (and death) of Jesus Christ. He is definitely the counterpoint to that whole Hell business, because God doesn't really want people to be lost. If you don't believe me, just look closely at everything that Christ did: the perfect paradise He came from, coming down to live in this cesspool (compared to Heaven), living a life of humility, being rejected by those He came to minister to, resisting all sin and temptation, and ultimately suffering and dying to receive our punishment for sins so that we don't have to worry about that afore-mentioned tormented destiny.

When you have a relationship with Him, and you talk to Him, and He talks to you (I don't mean in an audible voice, although that's not impossible), you can feel His love for you in your heart. You realize that you may not understand everything about the nature and character of God, but he tells you what you need to know. He listens. He answers. He is always there; there is no one else in the universe who is always there for you. You can reach out and touch Him. Indeed, if you are in Christ, He is literally in you. And you realize that He has a purpose for you...Oh, and He also cares about your desires too, even if some of 'em are not His will. You can come to Him with anything and everything that is on your heart and mind, and I believe He will address it. Sometimes it takes time though, and that's where faith comes in.

I like knowing that there's Someone who knows me inside and out, Someone I can't lie to, Someone I can never hide from, Someone who always knows where I am, what I'm thinking, how I'm feeling, what I'm doing, what I'm going to do, what I want, what I need...And this person who is so privy to my private life happens to love me more than I can even imagine and wants what's best for me.

But is that why I believe? Is that my answer about why to follow Christ? Hmm...I really can only speak for myself. I just can't imagine being without Him.

If You Could See Me Now

The title of this entry is also the title of a song I recently wrote, and it does relate, but I won't reprint it here. It's in the MySpace blog if anyone is interested. It's also the name of a Peter Straub novel which I haven't read. I'm sure it's the name for a lot of things. It resonates in an odd way. It is wistful, longing, tinged with either pride or regret. I haven't gone to any high school reunions, and I don't plan to...not unless I change a lot for the better. I worked overnight at the store a couple years ago, and another person on our crew was this 19-year-old punk who bragged about being on meth, and he called me a loser. For working that job. For living with my parents at my age, mid-thirties. For...probably a number of other reasons. I knew that it was wrong for him to say what he did, but I didn't disagree with him. If I had, it wouldn't have hurt so much.

Here's a story I've told many times, but I suppose I'll keep telling it until I figure out whatever it is I'm supposed to learn from it. If it sounds familiar, from my previous entry, you're right. And bits and pieces of many entries before that.

When I was in high school, there was a boy I thought was the most incredible young man on the planet...Surely God's perfect creation. All I wanted was to be friends with him. It never happened, though we had a mutual respect for each other, and did some class stuff together. College saw the same thing happening, still wanted a deep friendship with this person, but never made it happen. Then the time came for him to leave town; he was going away to another college. And after six years of making him an idol (God forgive me), I felt so completely devastated at his coming departure that I was beside myself, wondering what to do. I decided to spill my guts to him, tell him how I felt and see if a friendship could be formed. And what do you know? We were friends, just like that. But I screwed it up. It doesn't matter how...I mean, it does matter, but not for the sake of this blog. He ran from me as from some viral hot zone. And I prayed and prayed to get him back. I said, "God, I put this in YOUR hands. This friendship between me and him, consider it YOURS, grow it, nurture it like something that belongs to YOU."

But one of the hardest things for any Christian to learn is that when you give a matter to God, you must then leave it alone, wait for Him to do what He will do. He may not do what you want Him to do. And I think that's why we make the mistake of taking things back from Him, because we don't trust Him to do OUR will. We know that He will do His own will, but what if that is not what WE want?

This guy would have nothing to do with me. Answered no phone calls or letters. I was dead to him. So what did I do? I moved to the town where he had recently relocated! You know, it's amazing how we can fool ourselves. Oh, I prayed about it. "Dear Lord, should I move to where he is?" Yeah I prayed night and day, but did I wait for an answer? If I had heard an answer, would I have listened? Would I have obeyed? I knew what I wanted to do, and I did it. And the situation became much worse. I was lucky he did not go to the police and get a protective order against me.

After less than three months, I went home to lick my wounds. I knew that all hope was lost. But I kept tabs on him, via the Internet. I kept an eye on what he was up to, not because I was going to DO anything, but just because I wanted to know. He had known that I wanted to become a filmmaker. That was not his ambition, it was mine. But through the years, he got a scholarship in screenwriting, then made some movies, and is now a successful Hollywood screenwriter. I could name drop some of the celebrities that are involved in his projects, but there's no point.

A few days ago, I googled him again and found out that he was wed in Italy a couple years ago. All his family and friends were there...all except...one. Well, no, I mean I'm not his friend anymore. I WAS, but haven't been in almost 15 years. That small mistake I made that made him back away...and the thousand bigger mistakes I made trying to correct the first mistake...That meant that we were not friends, like we would have been. I was not the one to read the rough drafts of his screenplays and tell him what was good and what wasn't. I was not the guy for him to bounce ideas off of. I did not work as part of a crew for any of his movies. And of course I would not be invited to his Italian wedding.

But like everyone else I suppose, I have these "what if...?" moments where I think, "What if I hadn't messed this up?" What if our friendship had survived? How would my life be different today? Would I still live in the house I grew up in? Would I still be financially dependent on others? Would I still be insecure, depressed, lonely, scared, and confused? Or would I have had the tools to solve all these problems? Might I have grown wings and taken flight? If he could see me now...If he could see me now, would he feel disgust or just pity?

I can't blame God for not blessing that friendship. I ruined it all by myself. Maybe I think God should have restrained me somehow, kept me from doing all the dumb things that I did. But He gives us free will. I was not nearly mature enough back then to trust Him and let Him show me how to handle things. And the sad thing is, I'm not a lot more mature now than I was then, although I try. Yes, I try, but I still mess up.

Maybe something terrible would have happened if he and I had continued on the course of friendship that I had wanted. Maybe it would have taken me in a direction away from God. Who knows? I don't envy his life. And I don't regret the experiences I've had as a result of not living that other life. What I regret is just not being a part of his life because I really did love him, and I wanted to be there. And I wanted him to be a part of my life, even if it was a small part. At the wedding, I would have patted him on the shoulder and said how happy I was for him. It would have been the essence of all that I had wanted.