Global Warming

As I sit here on a cold October evening, drinking Crown Royal, waiting for it to warm my insides, I think not about what's now referred to as "climate change" and is a source of great debate among scientists, politicians, and skeptics, but rather on the real global warming, which is NOT happening, at least not in my perception, a warming of all men's hearts towards each other.

As evidence of this non-trend, look inside my own heart. I am ANGRY at those who have publicly declined to see my show, FOREVER PLAID. I want to yell at them, or worse. I must take it as a personal rejection, even though deep down, I know it's not. Maybe musicals or even theatre are simply not their cup of tea. Isn't that okay??? It should be. But I have so much built up hurt from over the years being rejected by various different people, that everything starts to feel like a rejection, even when it's not. So I believe in "loving one another"...as long as they see my show.

Then there's everyone I've tried to be friends with who weren't interested. I've covered this before, so I'm not going to belabor it, but what about the people in my church who are supposed to reach out in love toward one another, but they just seem to refuse to acknowledge me. That's not nice, that's not Christian!!! My heart freezes...

But have I always been available to everyone in need? Have I never rejected anyone?

I'm a deeply touchy-feely type person, but you wouldn't know it from the way I behave. It's hard to be gay and affectionate because you worry that straight folks will think you're being inappropriate with them. I had a heck of a time trying to convince my actors in the current show to go ahead and be affectionate with each other, that it was okay because it didn't mean they were gay...But I didn't push the issue nearly as much as I would have had I not been gay myself and not feared being misunderstood or accused of something improper.

If I could, I would hug nearly everyone I meet, unless they seemed unclean or unhealthy. But I end up doing the opposite. I don't hug anybody. God forbid someone gets the wrong idea. I love people, but I don't act like it. Instead I try to use wit to make people like me. And I used to ask for help, but now I realize that our society just sees you as weak and pathetic if you do.

But actually this entry wasn't supposed to be a bunch of complaining. I have a lot to be thankful for. God is a hearer of our prayers, and He is also an answerer. Kind of a funny way of putting it, I guess, but that's how it is written in my heart. Most of my life, I didn't really know this. Well sure, if you're a believer, you think that He cares about your food and clothing and shelter. But are you telling me He cares about desires too? YES!!!!!!!!!!!!

And some of that is too personal to write here, but I'll use the play as an example of something that was given to me that brought me out of a period of isolation that I had been in for over a year. It was just what I needed. Of course the down side of directing, as I've learned from the many shows I've done, is that once the show opens, there's kind of a split between you the director, and everyone else. The show is put in their hands, and at the same time, you're not really part of the group anymore, you feel like they're done with you. I've pretty much had that in every show I've ever done. You see the cast's camaraderie and wish you were a part of that, but you're sort of not. But that doesn't mean I want to be an actor! Directing is in my blood. And I just LOVE this group. If any of them is reading this, know you've helped my life to be better in the last couple months.

(Taking a drink) Oh, my ice has melted...