Who Loves You?

This entry was going to be called Confessions, but the old Alannah Myles song has been on my mind, and I will share why in a minute. (The song is on her 1989 self-titled album, which features her only hit, "Black Velvet".) But first I need to talk about confessions. In I John 1:9, it says that if we confess our sins, God is faithful and just to forgive them and cleanse us of all unrighteousness. Jesus is our High Priest, so we don't need to confess to a human one. It is between us and God. But it is also important for believers to be honest with each other, and not have a lot of hidden things which amount to a double life. If those hidden things are accidentally revealed, the believer ends up looking like a liar and a hypocrite (even though we all sin and are all hypocrites to a certain extent). So I will talk about a few of the things that I struggle with, and a few things that I don't struggle with, things that I do which others may object to. And in doing this, I will show that I do not see myself as righteous or fit to judge anyone.

I drink. I am not an alcoholic but I enjoy drinking, and I enjoy it quite a lot. I mainly drink cocktails, not beer or wine. Some Christians think drinking is evil, even though Jesus turned water into wine. The apostle Paul does warn us in Ephesians 5:18 not to get drunk, but to be filled with the Holy Spirit. So it could be argued that getting drunk is sinful, but drinking is not. Now, I have gotten drunk on occasion. I have to say that it's rather difficult for me to do so, but I do try sometimes. Sometimes I just want to party and forget about life's difficulties. But really, what interests me most is mixology. I am fascinated by the tens of thousands of different drinks that can be made. I love to try new drinks. If I get a little buzz in the process, well............(I shrug).

I use profanity. Not as much as I used to. This is actually something that I'm deliberately trying to cut way down on. For a long time, I justified using four-letter words all the time because...Well, because they're just words. Man invented them, and they can mean whatever we want them to mean. Their meanings are often subjective. Sometimes they mean absolutely nothing. When my brother and I were little, we made this written code whereby we could write messages to each other in secret, and no one would understand what we were saying. We chose what each symbol represented. The same is true of language. Somebody has actually invented the language of Klingon. They just decided that this sound means this word, and so forth. So in my mind, these human constructions which we call "foul language" didn't really mean much to me. I mean, it usually just means you're angry. It's just another way to express that emotion. But then I read there's something in the book of James about how both blessing and cursing should not spring from the same mouth, that this is just wrong. And the other thing about bad language is that if a non-believer hears a Christian talk like that, it discredits his witness. So while I do use the occasional curse word to express myself, I'm starting to try and be more careful. One thing I don't do is use the Lord's name in vain.

Movies, music, TV, books, plays and other forms of our culture contain loads of things that God likely does not approve of, and neither do many Christians. I'm not going to go into huge detail about this, cos it would take all night, but suffice to say I do see R-rated movies all the time. I don't like the sanitized distortion of so-called Christian cinema, where people don't talk and act like they do in real life. So to see violence and sex and bad language in a movie is just realism, and I'd rather see that than a distortion. Even the Bible documented bad things that people said and did. I find it strange that people are more offended by sex in the movies than violence. Certain depictions of violence I can't handle. I can't watch a mafia movie, for instance. Sex doesn't bother me, but then again, I've dabbled in pornography like most men. It doesn't happen often because, frankly, it's just not very satisfying, but once in a while sex on screen can be exciting. And as a writer, I have to admit I almost always have a sex scene written into my scripts.

I used to read a lot of horror novels, but not so much anymore. As I said, some violent imagery messes with my head in a bad way. But Dean Koontz is my current favorite author. Most people think he's horror, but he's not.

Perhaps the worst thing in pop culture that I indulge in is the music I listen to. Most of my favorite artists all seem to have a chip on their shoulder when it comes to God and Christianity. Some of them are really obnoxious in their vitriolic expressions of disapproval of my faith. Well, I usually end up just skipping those particular songs that deal with those things, but I do feel guilty sometimes for being such a fan of these artists. It's like the fact that House is my favorite TV show, and the title character is like my hero, but he is extremely anti-religious, not to mention numerous other sinful qualities.

I am self-centered. Even my pastor told me this, and I would have been angry at him if I had not realized that he spoke the truth. I'm lazy and selfish. Why is this? Well, again, I could take all night. It comes from feeling as though you're not getting everything that you need. It's about a deep hunger or yearning for something that you don't have, maybe never have had. For me, that is strong friendships and romantic relationships. My pastor went a step further and told me these were an idol, which I also knew. An idol is something in your life that you care about more than your relationship with God. So again, I could have been angry, but I knew it was true. What I did not know was how to fix the problem.

And here's where the Alannah Myles song comes in. "Who loves you, who you gonna run to?" she asks. "Who loves you, whatcha gonna do about it?" Wait, let me go back further: "I send a message to you. I close my eyes and hope it gets through...I wonder if you hear me tonight. Sometimes you're so far away. I wanna have you near me tonight. Do you belong to me?" Well, this is obviously about a romance between a man and a woman, but it resonates with me because it could also be God speaking to His people. We were created to have fellowship with Him. He knew us since before we were born, and for all that time, He had a plan for us. (See Psalm 139.) He knows our every thought and every move. And He wants our friendship, our love, our conversation. People will let you down. You will be lonely if you rely on people. I'm sitting at my computer on a Friday night writing this, and I wish more than I can express that I had some buddy to drink with tonight. You know, go to the upper room in the Scottish pub. But I don't have anyone to do that with, and I won't go alone. Yet, who's right here with me, and wherever I am? Who is actively interested in me at all times? I may be boring or ugly to those I desire. God loves me ALWAYS, and He does not stop. Where is your bread buttered? Who will die for you? Who already has?