I AM WRONG.

My favorite singer/songwriter Robyn Hitchcock introduced a live version of his song, "No, I Don't Remember Guildford" for friend Jonathan Demme's concert film Storefront Hitchcock with the words: "You know, when you think you're right about things, that can make you very bitter. If the rest of the world hasn't happened to go along with your ways of seeing things. And if the rest of the world includes someone you've been close to, then you feel worse."

I always get emotional listening to that little speech because it really strikes a chord with me. I remember my 7th grade math teacher Mr. Gibson giving his class a lecture on why it's bad to always have to be right. (He should not have been a math and science teacher; he was 100% philosopher.) But he was casting his pearls before swine; 7th grade is far too early for anyone to comprehend such important life lessons. Oddly enough, when my class moved on to high school, so did he.

Now as an old man, I realize what a lot of old people realize, and that is that life has very few assurances. Oh, there are some things we can know without a doubt, but not nearly as many as I once believed. And it won't be a surprise to those of you who realize this is a Christian-themed blog, that almost all of those certainties have to do with God. But more on that later.

One of the pitfalls that a back-slided Christian makes when he decides to start going to church again is the culture clash between the worldly ways that you've embraced for the last many years and the Christ-like living that the church body is supposedly trying to emulate. And I realize that's why a lot of Christians and non-Christians alike don't want to go to church or fellowship with believers because they think they're going to be confronted with everything that is considered "wrong" in the eyes of the holy (or "holier than thou") and righteous (or "self-righteous"). They're going to tell you that what you read is WRONG, what you listen to is WRONG, what you watch is WRONG, what you believe is WRONG, what you think is WRONG, yes, WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, praise the Lord. Repent and be saved. Of course! Why didn't I think of that?!?!?!

And obviously, if you're a GAY Christian, you can multiply that judgementalism by 1000. At least, that's what I've come to expect, and so I am not really "out" to many of the people in the church I go to, although I don't keep it a secret either. I mean, they see my Facebook, and they have a link to this blog, so it's not like I'm lying to them. I'm just not discussing it. But I want to make something real clear here. Most Christians believe that homosexuality is wrong. I question that, but only because I'm gay. If I wasn't gay, I would have the same interpretation of the 6 or so Bible verses that deal with the subject as most Christians do. I would not try to delve deeper by checking out the Gay Christian Network (see link on the right) or reading a book like What the Bible Really Says About Homosexuality by Daniel A. Helminiak. It would not matter to me. Why would it? So I don't hold fellow Christians' beliefs against them, at least I try not to. But here's the biggest point I want to make, and I may actually offend any gay buddies of mine who might be reading this. Are you ready? Here goes: If God doesn't want me to be gay, He can change me. And if He doesn't want me to engage in gay sex acts, He can change my heart so that I will conform to His will. I have told Him that I'm open to a heart-change, and a mind-change. But I believe only God can do that; I don't believe in programs like Exodus or other such things. I don't believe you can will yourself to be straight. I don't believe you can brainwash yourself to be straight. But you can have a heart that truly wants to do God's will and He can take it from there. For the record, at the current moment, I don't want to be straight, I want to be a with a guy, I want to marry a guy. That's just what a want. But God can change what we want; I really believe that.

But that's between me and God. I have to admit that there's a pride issue, where I would never want to admit to someone who is against homosexuality that "you're right, and I was wrong." That would be a painful thing to do. And I'm most certainly not ready to do such a thing in terms of my sexuality or music, or books or movies, or many other things in my life that might raise eyebrows. There is, however, something I have to confront, and it's the real purpose of this blog entry.

None of what's come before in this entry was what I was going to write. This was going to be called "Obsession: another word for Idolatry." I've talked a little bit about this in previous entries, so I won't touch too much on the idol factor, except to remind my readers who might not realize that whatever we care about more than our relationship with God is considered an idol. And God hates it when we have idols. In fact, if you were to read the Bible from cover to cover, I think you would find that one of the very most offensive things to God is idolatry. And it's not just a matter of worshipping false deities. If you care more about your wardrobe than your relationship with God, you are engaging in idolatry. If you care more about your boyfriend or girlfriend than about God, this is idolatry. If it gets between you and God, it's an idol. Now, I'm not a pastor or theologian, so if I'm missing the mark please don't stone me for heresy. I'm only relaying my understanding of what I've been told and have read in the last several months.

I like to think of myself as a good person. I know that who I am in Christ is not who the world sees. The world might see a loser who's in his 30's, unemployed, living with parents, who does not drive, and has no friends. And indeed, I have been called a loser before. I understand why they would say it. But that list of faults is not the summation of who I am. And my biggest fault of all--being obsessed with people and wanting their friendship to the point of becoming downright freaky about it--is also not reflective of the entire person that Matt Russell is, and certainly isn't what God made him to be.

But I have to talk about obsession because in this area, I really can and must say that I have been WRONG. And I hope that in admitting this to myself and to others, I can try to repent from this wrongness and find a more healthy way of dealing with people that I like.

I think the root of all obsession with other people stems from insecurity and a low self-image. If you think you're dogshit (pardon the term, but I want to really get the point across), you can't help but to look up to other people, indeed, put them on a pedestal, especially if they're people that you like and admire for whatever reason. You think that if they can be in your life, you will feel better about yourself, and hopefully have a good friend to boot. They seem "better" than other people. Often, it's partially because there's a physical attraction, but that's not the only component. If choosing friends was like choosing a meal in a restaurant, you look at the menu and find what looks best to you. And you fall in love with the idea of getting to know this person, even though there's no real practical basis for this perception that you will connect so wonderfully. You build it up in your mind to where it becomes so important to you that you cause yourself great embarrassment in your attempts to make friends with this person. And at worst, you may evoke the person's society-generated paranoia and fears of obsessed people as they've been portrayed in the movies, as violent stalkers, bent on causing harm and terror and destruction. In reality, obsession in itself is just a mental condition, like depression, and most obsessed people are not evil or violent. I certainly hope that anyone who knows me just a little bit would know that I'm not.

Over the years, there have been several guys that I've been obsessed with, and it's never resulted in the friendship that I wanted. Instead, it's caused much pain, the depth of which I am not even capable of describing. To constantly be rejected by the people you hold in high esteem, and not even for a romantic relationship but for a mere friendship. You like them SO MUCH, but they don't even care about you enough to get coffee or go to a movie or whatever. And I always looked to God and cried, "what's WRONG with these people? Don't they have compassion?"

But no...The real question should always have been, "What wrong with me?" Not "what's wrong with me that makes me unlikable?" although I have asked that question to myself many, many times. The real issue is, "What's wrong with me that makes me feel like I need this particular person in my life or I'll be unhappy or incomplete?" And why do I think it's okay to try and manipulate or emotionally blackmail people into giving me what I want? It's not that I'm always conscious of this, but sometimes I am, but just can't help it. Sometimes I feel SO desperate. What makes a person needy? Is it feeling like you've been deprived of your needs over the years? Well, it's true that I've always been shy, I've always been a nerd, and I've always, always had great difficulty finding friends. So yes, I feel deprived of people to be close to, except of course my family which is a blessing I know that not everyone has. But all my life I've felt an incredible loneliness that I've tried to quench in ways that always make me get more hurt and feel more lonely. When you're desperate, you become self-destructive. If I had a cute body, I'd be a slut. I'd hang out in the bars and hook up with people on Craigslist, trying to fulfill the emptiness with sex. And now my Christian friends say, "Wait a minute! Where is God in all this?" And that's a good question.

God wants to be our best friend, but you can't see Him with your eyes, you can't hear Him with your ears, you can't tell Him dirty jokes, you can't hug Him and feel the comfort of a physical embrace. You can't see a movie and chat with Him over coffee afterwards. But I know what the brothers are getting at. He doesn't just want to be close to us, He wants to be closest to us. And I've cared more about these guys than about spending time with the One who really does care about me. I'm not saying it's wrong to want human relationships, but I've taken the desire to insane proportions. And if all the objects of my obsessions over the years could read this, I would say I'm sorry. I would also say I still want you around, but can never blame you for finding me unworthy. After all, most people really don't want to be idolized. I wish you liked me. But how can you, if I don't like myself? And a person can never properly love himself without a concept of God's love for him or her. If I know that God made me in His image and loved me enough to die for me, then sent His Spirit to guide me in all my days, then I must not be what I thought I was. I must not be...dogshit. No matter who rejects me, God sees me as lovable as everyone else, and if I could see myself through His eyes, maybe I could see others that way as well, not as idols, but as human beings, only as special and imperfect as I am.