Give Me A Reason

This weblog is not what I originally intended. And isn't that the way life goes sometimes, when you think you're doing something for a specific reason, but come to find out, it actually serves an entirely different purpose? You make a Big Decision in life cos you think you're Living the Dream, but in reality what you're really doing is learning a lesson about what happens when you go your own way and not ask God for guidance. You think you're going to the store to buy eggs and a loaf of bread, but it's really to help someone out with a flat tire. You don't know that when you're going out the door. You don't know it when you sit at your computer. What does He have in mind? I just know that I don't want all my days to be the same. I want my life to have purpose and direction. Being in tune with God is one of the best feelings there is.

So what I meant by this blog not being what I thought it was is that I meant for it to be read by people at my church, and by other friends who were believers. It hasn't turned out that way. My parents have read some entries, and one of my two blog followers is a Christian, but other than that, it's not fulfilled the purpose that I had in mind when creating it. It was going to be a back and forth flow of ideas between Christians, made up of testimonies and confessed struggles and encouragements. "Oh my brother, you're going through that too? Well, I just want to let you know you're not alone!" This was my vision.

But as I got more and more in depth in terms of the kinds of things I needed to talk about, I found myself desiring more for my non-Christian friends to read it...Not because I'm trying to convert them to Christianity, but because the thoughts and feelings recorded here are truly representative of what's going on in my life, and if they can read that, the idea is that they would better understand who I am and why I do some of the crazy things I do. Of course if they thought about Jesus too as a result, I could not complain.

Every Christian is brought up to recognize the importance of witnessing to non-believers. We're taught that Hell is a real place, an eternal torment. And so Christians reach out in love to people who don't want to hear it, people who don't really appreciate that the Jesus Freak is just trying to prevent them from suffering. And of course much of the time, it doesn't sound like love, it just sounds like condemnation. It sounds like "I'm holier than thou." And it's not supposed to be that way.

Of course, I have been a terrible witness most of my life. Oh, when I was a child, I had that wonderful green T-shirt with the painting of Christ on it that said, "I believe in miracles." And, you know, my third grade classmates actually really dug that shirt. But since then...Forget about it!!!

I became selfish, like every teenager and then young adult. I became full of lust, again like every teen and young adult male. I discovered alcohol...not that alcohol in itself is bad, but when you want to get wasted all the time, it's a signal that something might be wrong. I developed a love for violent imagery and coarse language in movies, TV, music, and literature. Of course being gay, I was estranged from the church. So generally the friends I made from junior high on were not Christians. I became an obsessively needy and dependant person...but it wasn't God I was leaning on, it was people who didn't even care about me. I developed anger management issues. I refused to take care of myself physically, emotionally, spiritually, just let myself go, indulged only in what felt good, never took the time to do anything healthy or productive. I let fear guide my choices and keep me from doing what was important. I followed my own heart's desires, not caring what was truly good for me or for the other people in my life, or what plan God might have for me. And, you know, I say all these things in the past tense, but don't think for a minute that I am through with all these issues. Christ has overcome the world; I, on the other hand, am still working on it.

But admitting your faith is hard. It is extremely important, but it is difficult, even more so than being openly gay. At least, in the circles I've hung out with, people are much more likely to embrace a gay person with open arms than a Christian. "Christians are hypocrites," they say. I say, yes they are, but so is everyone. It is part of human nature.

No one has ever asked me why I'm a Christian. That may be a good thing, because I don't know if I would have the right words to explain. But I want to try. And please, if this is really lame, know that I will be able to articulate it better someday.

You start with upbringing. You're raised to believe a certain way, and if you really believe what you're told, it's kind of hard to un-believe it. But that's only the beginning. Because you do reach a point in your life where you have to choose whether to continue in that faith. I think some people don't consciously make a choice, but their faith fades from them over time like colors in the wash. You ask them if they're a Christian and they say, "Uh, yeah I guess so" because that's how they were raised but they don't have a full, interactive relationship with God.

Having a relationship with God takes effort, because you have to think about what you're doing, and when God speaks to your heart that you have done something wrong, you have to ask forgiveness. You have to try to live in a way that reflects God's righteousness, and "die to self". But if you're like me, you get into this routine of just doing whatever you want whenever you want and then just asking for forgiveness afterward, and thinking everything is okay, but it's not because you're grieving God and damaging your relationship with Him.

So why go to the trouble? Is it just cos you don't want to burn in Hell? Well, that's a good question. I believe that Fire-&-Brimstone teaching as a method of bringing people to Christ is problematic to say the least. The reason is that people do not get a glimpse of just how loving God really is; they see Him as pretty harsh and mean to throw people in Hell...Where's the love? I thought God was love.

Well, all you have to do to know about God's love is to study the life (and death) of Jesus Christ. He is definitely the counterpoint to that whole Hell business, because God doesn't really want people to be lost. If you don't believe me, just look closely at everything that Christ did: the perfect paradise He came from, coming down to live in this cesspool (compared to Heaven), living a life of humility, being rejected by those He came to minister to, resisting all sin and temptation, and ultimately suffering and dying to receive our punishment for sins so that we don't have to worry about that afore-mentioned tormented destiny.

When you have a relationship with Him, and you talk to Him, and He talks to you (I don't mean in an audible voice, although that's not impossible), you can feel His love for you in your heart. You realize that you may not understand everything about the nature and character of God, but he tells you what you need to know. He listens. He answers. He is always there; there is no one else in the universe who is always there for you. You can reach out and touch Him. Indeed, if you are in Christ, He is literally in you. And you realize that He has a purpose for you...Oh, and He also cares about your desires too, even if some of 'em are not His will. You can come to Him with anything and everything that is on your heart and mind, and I believe He will address it. Sometimes it takes time though, and that's where faith comes in.

I like knowing that there's Someone who knows me inside and out, Someone I can't lie to, Someone I can never hide from, Someone who always knows where I am, what I'm thinking, how I'm feeling, what I'm doing, what I'm going to do, what I want, what I need...And this person who is so privy to my private life happens to love me more than I can even imagine and wants what's best for me.

But is that why I believe? Is that my answer about why to follow Christ? Hmm...I really can only speak for myself. I just can't imagine being without Him.