Without boring everyone to tears, I'd like to say what one of the biggest struggles in my life has been, up to this point: making friends and keeping them. Now before you tune out, there is a reason I'm writing this. You see, for a long time I've suffered under the perception that in order to make friends (or hold onto them), I have to have some kind of gimmick. In other words, I didn't think people liked me just because I'm me, but only for what I could potentially offer them. So instead of asking people to coffee, I present projects to them. "Be in my show" or whatever. Now, understand, I don't invite you to "be in my show" if I don't admire your abilities in whatever area I'm asking you to be involved in. If I don't think you're a good actor, I don't ask you to act for me. But it's never just about wanting you to be involved in my project. In fact, that's really secondary.
In a similar sense, although I love the arts and am a creative person, I don't think I would do it were it not for the social component because, often times, being involved in a show has really been the only social life this shy and isolated person has known.
But it has occured to me that presenting projects to people is kind of like trying to buy friends. It's an excuse to hang out. It's a way for me to feel less lonely. Cos I guess in my gut I have not believed that if I said to most people, "let's get a drink" or "let's take in a movie", that they would say yes. The fear is I would find out that while they may think I'm okay to work with, that's the limit of their regard for me. So believing this notion, I just skipped the regular social stuff and accepted that I could only interact in a work or creative, artisitic context.
But what I just realized this very day, and what prompted me to write this note, is that you guys can't read my mind or know my motivations. So when I always come to you repeatedly saying, "Do this project", you might have the false perception that I only like you for your artistic talents and just want to use you for my own artistic or monetary gain. Like being friends with talented people somehow gets me notoriety or puts money in my pocket. Of course that is often not the truth at all. And it's not my motivation in the slightest. But if you don't know me, you might not know better than to think it.
For me it's all about relationships with people. Who do I like to spend time with? Whose talents do I admire? Who do I think might be able to appreciate something I could share, whether it be a unique artistic vision or just kind words occasionally? I'm always wanting to give, but it's amazing how people can believe you just want to take. I am disadvantaged in the sense that I don't drive. So if you are someone who gives me rides to places, after a while you might believe that I think of you only as a taxi service. Not so. If you invite me to lunch and I say, "I'm sorry but I'm broke", I am not fishing for you to offer to buy me lunch. Oh, I accept offers, to be sure, but it is with the intense hope that you realize that you can always come to me and ask for anything that you need because I value you more than you know.
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