As usual, I have to qualify my blog title. There were 2 Whitney Houston songs that I liked, and "So emotional" wasn't one of them. But the title just applies so perfectly. [Do you want to know which ones I liked? They were both from her debut: "Saving all my love for you" and "The greatest love of all". Some of the words to the latter song will make me tear up if I'm in the mood. But other times I just remember the cheesy death scene of a so-called popular singer in a soap I used to watch during which she sang a rousing, melodramatic rendition of that song, and during that last high note, a chandelier falls on her and kills her, making me laugh hysterically.]
In the seemingly endless search for meaningful connections, I found myself writing to an inmate a few years ago. I had read a book about him, and I felt for him, and I was just drawn to send him a letter. He responded several weeks later, then I wrote back. A couple years go by, and I hear nothing. But I keep checking the PO box, and writing occasionally.
Well, finally, earlier this year, I heard back from him and he seemed eager to kick this correspondence into high gear. We exchange a couple of letters. Then there's silence again. It's been like 4 months. And I start to speculate about why he stopped writing. Is it the same reason he cited before, laziness and procrastination? Or is it that he doesn't want to continue writing?
The trouble is, I have realized I have feelings for him. It's not an ideal thing. Where he is, he's going to be for a long time. Even if he felt the same way about me that I do about him (I can't decide whether to tell him), it's not like we could have a "life" together. They don't even allow gays conjugal visits. But the real problem I'm facing is, if I tell him that I have feelings for him, will he get upset and stop writing altogether? I mean, I'm already wondering if I'm going to hear from him again. But confessing my feelings could be the nail in the coffin.
Once upon a time, when I was young, I was always too shy to express much of anything. Fear ruled my decision-making process when it came to revealing things like crushes, etc. Then something happened to me. I started listening to Smashing Pumpkins and it seemed like all their songs were about having to seize the moment and do what you need to do, and say what needs to be said. All of a sudden I became bold in the expression of my feelings. When I was in love with a guy, I told him. Even if he was straight. Of course, the results were usually disastrous. I went through several years of being hurt, devastated even, because I insisted on being open with people who didn't want to hear about it. And eventually, when I hit 30 or so, I reverted back to the way I used to be. I had just been hurt enough, and I couldn't take more rejection. I lapsed a couple of times between then and now, but for the most part, I keep my feelings to myself.
So I don't know if I want to risk what this inmate and I have, which is sort of small talk, banter, current events, etc. to let him know I want to go deeper. I can imagine sleepless nights, wondering if I was going to get another letter, and if that letter would be positive or negative. Is it worth the emotional strain for a relationship that is extremely limited and problematic at best? Can't I just be happy with what I have with the guy? It's not like he's going to be able to hold me in his arms at night, which is what I really want. Well, pretending feels kind of good.
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