a perfect world

I daydream. I probably don't do it as much as I used to. But I still do it a fair amount. I pretend I'm on some nation-wide news program, being interviewed about my feelings on everything from music to film to politics and spirituality. I go on and on, expressing my viewpoints and pretending that people are interested in what I have to say. I imagine media personalities saying in their own interviews that they heard what I said about this or that, and agreed whole-heartedly. I've never confessed this outright before, though I did write a play once in which the protagonist does the same thing.

Of course, with daydreams you get the instant gratification of that imagined recognition. You can play pretend, and if you have a good imagination, you can almost make yourself believe it's really happening. Just don't daydream any place where people can see you and your lips move as you play out a scene that is all in your head. They might check you into the mental hospital.

There are other ways to have a voice. I've always thought of myself as an artist (if you imagine the term "artist" covering a wide spectrum of visual art, music, literature, theatre, film, etc), and artists use their work to express what they think and feel about the world. Of course some people are just looking for entertainment, but I honestly think that art exists for the purpose of expressing a point of view. And I've always tried to push myself to produce content that will be noticed and could make some kind of difference in the world. But I can be lazy and I can have creative dry spells, and when I do, it's easier just to play one of these movies in my head. Like it's easier to go to bed and imagine someone cuddling up with me than to actually go out on a date and risk rejection. And so certain things can paralyze you, and make you feel like you're stuck in a place you can't get out of.

It could be argued that every artist has his/her own universe that's distinctly theirs. Tolkien had Middle Earth. C.S. Lewis had Narnia. But in a more general sense, an artist fashions an environment that is either a reflection of what he/she sees in the world (and sometimes it's presented in the form of symbolism) or a picture of what that artist would like the world to be. I have done both of these. But usually, I deal with the world I desire to live in. And I thought, I wonder if I could write a blog entry in which I describe what that is. I don't know if I can. I can paint a picture of it in script form, but can I just state it outright? I'm about to find out.

Well, I'm an extreme romantic, which no one would know because it's mostly bottled up inside. It comes out whenever I try too hard to be friends with a guy I like. I'm not trying to get them into bed, but I think they sense my romantic nature, and it's threatening to them because they don't know I can respect their boundaries. That's why you see deeper relationships among men in my stories than you find in real life, even men who are heterosexual, because in my world, people are not scared of being liked, or even loved.

People listen to each other, and they actually understand what the other person is saying. There are not the barriers to communication that exist in real life. In real life, a person can be talking to you, but because you're only listening with 25% of your mind and using the rest to think about yourself, you often miss the point of whatever your friend is trying to tell you.

A lot of the cultural norms that exist in the real world do not exist in mine. People in their 20's are not freaked out by the idea of spending time with people in their 30's or 40's. Everyone can learn from one another, and consider other people's lives to have value to contribute to their own, no matter what age, race, sex, orientation, etc. Prejudice and fear disappear, as does favoritism.

Okay, I've written 3 paragraphs trying to describe my perfect world, and I don't really like what I've written. I mean, I don't feel like it captures my heart. I feel like I'm preaching or writing some lunatic manifesto, and that's not my intention. I'm also not trying to make it so personal, but it obviously is. I look at the things in my life that I've been hurt by, and basically try to fix them. I try to show people another way of looking at things. But this isn't coming out quite right. I'm better at pretending to articulate thoughts than actually articulating them.

But, um...let me try to say one more thing. U2 did a song called "Where the Streets Have No Name", which I love, but I don't think that idea is what I'm striving for. Because individuality is important. I think what my heart pines for is a world without walls...or at least a world with much fewer walls. The walls that people put around themselves to prevent real connection with people. In my life, I feel I'm surrounded by endless walls, tall and impenetrable in every direction, caving in, crashing down upon me, and I rarely see into the light of a person's soul because it's just walls, walls, and more walls.

And I lie on the ground, beneath dozens of caved-in walls, and I'm looking up through a small keyhole.The stars in the sky are so far away, as far as your eyes, through which I would be able to see into your heart.