Hurt by God?

Before I begin with today's remarks, let me first ask my readers to drop me a line and let me know you exist. As far as I know, only 2 people read this blog...and that's okay because if those 2 people enjoy it, it's worth doing just for them and for my own self-expression. However, it would help me to know that there are others, whether or not you choose to "follow" or comment. Thank you.

Here's an interesting discussion. It will explain a little about the next paragraph.

Last night, I sat on a deck chair and looked up at the stars, and cried, "Abba, Father." I wonder if I should share something so personal...People share this personal stuff all the time, don't they? Listen to preachers; they'll tell you of intimate discussions with God. To be sure, there are some things I would not share but I can share this. "Father, Father," I said. "I am hurt. I am hurt." And I did not know what to say after that, and I was called in for a haircut anyway, so I left God with those words from me to Him, understanding that I would return later on.

Jesus promised His disciples that anything we ask in His name, He will do it (John 14:13), but the unspoken caveat is this: it has to be in accordance with the Father's will. I mean, technically, can we really ask anything in His name if it doesn't meet that qualification? Why would He want to put His name on something that was against His Father's holy and righteous plan? To quote another dangerous passage, "Delight yourself in the LORD; And He will give you the desires of your heart" (Psalm 37:4). In Matthew 6:33, Jesus says that all your needs will be given you but you must seek first the Kingdom of God.

Why am I quoting these Scriptures? It certainly isn't to sound educated. In fact, it will become apparent that I don't completely understand them. The other question you might be asking is, why was I hurt? Well, it might be kind of hard to explain. As the trite R.E.M. song declares, everyone does.

[NOTE: I am not all these people!]

Aloysius hurts because he was given a name that causes people to make fun of him. He would change it, but he doesn't want to hurt his parents' feelings. He loves them, but why, oh why, did they saddle him with that?

Ben hurts because he doesn't like his body. He wonders why some people have a metabolism that burns up calories like wildfire and no excess fat is stored, even though they eat whatever they want. Ben loves food, but all it gets him is fat. Food is comfort (hence the phrase, "comfort food") and Lord knows he needs comfort in these troubled times, but none of his clothes fit him anymore. And exercise is...Uh, what is THAT?!?!

Connor is in okay shape, but he has a hump. He tries not to think of Quasimodo, but he can't help it. There's nothing doctors can do. And he's screamed at God many, many times over this, let me tell you.

Diane is angry because she's not a lightweight. She'll drink and drink, but it seems so hard anymore to get that buzzed feeling, much less drunk. What she does feel is that general yuckiness, that bad taste in her mouth, the headache. A few cocktails used to be at first soothing, then uplifting, even enlightening. But now...She might as well be drinking water.

Enid also gets teased at school, but not so much because of her name, although it doesn't help. She is...Well, she's ugly. And every single day, when she wakes up and is about to go to school, she KNOWS that she will be treated like something less than human. She knows that she will have to fight with all that is in her to make her not want to turn a gun on herself.

Flynn thinks he is radioactive. There are some people that attract others like magnets, crowds flock to them. With Flynn, it is the opposite. He has racked his brain for decades, trying to figure out why people don't like him, but he is ever stumped. He clears rooms, but it's not a result of flatulence. He doesn't understand; it's just him.

Gary loves someone with all his heart. But others say that his love is wrong and evil, and he thinks he has to believe them or else. He looks around at married couples with their kids and bitterly laments that this is the "right way, God's way". But his heart aches because that isn't him, and he asks God if he must have an artificial heart, for it contains something that seems precious to him, only to be trampled underfoot and disregarded by God and God's people.

Hal is going insane because he has no impulse control. He has skin problems, which lead to scratching, which lead to sores, which he then picks all day and all night long. He bites his nails, he pulls his hair. He picks his skin. He can't stop. He must cover his whole body at all times so people don't think he has leprosy.

Inez has obsessive-compulsive disorder, coupled with extreme paranoid delusions. She thinks that every sound she makes generates a part of a word in some cosmic spirit realm, and if she doesn't dictate what words are formed, an evil declaration will be uttered, causing herself or someone she cares about to be cursed. Deep down, she doesn't truly believe these things, and yet she does...and yet she doesn't...and yet she does.

Jake doesn't know how to forgive. Every hurt from his past, every wrong that has been perpetrated against him is remembered and he has emotional scars going down to the earth's core. Every memory inflames his emotions and he hates, and hates, and can't stop hating. If people would only apologize for what they did to him, he could let it go. But they don't. And he can't.

Kelly has had about 15 different anti-depression drugs in that many years, and about that many therapists as well. Now she has no insurance and relies on DVDs to take her out of her own life. But it never quite works, because she can still see her surroundings, even with the lights off. She's waiting for them to manufacture a TV set that enables you to actually jump into the screen and join the world that you're watching. She hopes they invent it soon...very, very, very soon.

Linda hates her job, and before you say, "Everyone hates their job," she would have you know that she, in fact, hates hers much more than everyone else hates theirs. The problem is, she's not qualified to do anything else. She can't afford school, and even if she got a big fancy degree, she's too old; nobody would want her.

Mike is happy. He's got a beautiful girlfriend and a good job that pays well. He loves his family. He loves spending time with his friends, BBQing, watching football, going line dancing from time to time. But he's afraid of losing it all.

Nelson wonders where his fear comes from. He's in his 40's but is afraid of the dark. He's afraid of his bedroom at night. He sleeps in the living room with a light on. It wasn't always like this. What happened? He wonders what's next, bed-wetting?

Odin jokingly refers to himself as "the Happy Fornicator". He wonders what's wrong with pleasing the body? He sees lust as a lifeforce. It motivates him, inspires him, energizes him. Beauty is everywhere, and he wants to seize it all. Sex is the method of acquisition. It transforms him into something better than what he would otherwise be. So his objective in life is two-fold: 1.) experience ecstasy as much as possible, and 2.) become beautiful by association.

Palmer missed the boat. He was never really a child, and now that he's grown-up, he wants to be one. He was never a delinquent teenager either, drinking and smoking and rebelling. Now he wants to go back and try it. In his early adulthood, he was never wild and fearless, never took chances, never partied, always cautious. And now, at an age when he's expected to be mature and sensible, he is emotionally paralyzed, locked away inside a mental coma of regret and dreams of missed opportunities.

Quinn has chronic pain. They say it's all in his head.

Rachel cried when her ferret died, and people didn't really understand because, after all, it was just a ferret. It wasn't even a dog. Its brain was probably smaller than a pea. But it was innocent like a child, and sweet, without a shred of malice, and as far as Rachel is concerned, she would rather be in a room full of ferrets than a world full of humans.

Sid has a problem with methamphetamine. It's just that it sunk its claws into him after just once, and he can't stop any more than he can climb Mt. Everest. And though he's always cared very much about his physical appearance, he's losing his teeth. Soon he will not go out to show himself, except to, you know, get more.

Tori's boyfriend broke up with her. And because she built her whole identity around him, she realizes she may as well not exist. She turns on the bath water.

Udell will never forget his sister Tori, who he found in a blood-filled bathtub, though he sometimes wishes he could.

Vince saw a newspaper across the table, and on it, a picture of some high school kid smiling awkwardly into the camera. He wonders how many points the young lad scored at last night's basketball game. But when he picks up the paper, he sees it's just the latest casualty in the Iraq war.

Wanda was disappointed to learn that, according to the new store policy, an employee had to work at least 1,000 hours last year to earn their vacation for this year. And though two decades of service and seniority had earned her a month of vacation per year up to this point, she only worked 995 hours last year, so..............

Xavier is mad that I have to mention him just so that I have a name beginning with X.

Yolanda loves the Lord, but she's never had that blessed assurance of salvation. She's always worried that she's done something to mess it up, or that she will do something. She's full of sinful desires, and what if she can't repent in time? What if the Lord comes, and she gets caught with her hand in the cookie jar?

Zell just kneels on the floor and wonders what God had in mind for him...Did he miss God's divine plan? He's getting older, so old...How will he know it's not too late to do whatever he's meant to do? How will he be ready when the time comes? How will he know what to do? He listens and listens but hears nothing. He looks up and cries, "What do You want?!" And then he remembers how many dreams he had that got tossed away by the wind, and he wonders if what he wants matters to God. Does what I want matter?

And I hurt. And only God knows how much I hurt. And only God has the remedy. Jesus Christ left His home in Heaven to live as a lowly man on Earth, and He lived a sin-free life. But no one knows the thoughts He had, no one knows His feelings. They are not recorded. I say I hurt, and Jesus says, "Yes I know. I did too. And I still do. I hurt for you. And I love you more than you can imagine." At least...That's what I feel He's speaking to my heart. You know, there are many questions I have which are yet unanswered. There are many things that most Christians take for granted. But I wait on God. And I trust Him.