You can't fire me cos I quit.

First, I want to say hello to my readers, as it seems like there are more than I thought. I've been checking my Dashboard and it seems like a number of people have viewed my last entry, and it surprises me. Why? Well, for one thing, I know I'm repetitive. I talk about the same things all the time, sometimes even tell the same stories...I mean, this is not exactly deliberate, but in the back of my mind, I know I do it. The other reason I'm surprised by my readership is that I keep expecting to get blasted for being a Jesus freak; some of my friends no doubt think I'd be happier if I wasn't. This is not true.

So I know for a fact that I've discussed the subject of "giving up" before, but I need to touch on it again, just for my own therapeutic reasons. For months I've been talking about and working on a certain project, and recently I've had to end it, much to the disappointment of various people involved, and much to my shame and humiliation. (It feels like I don't have a future in Portland theatre, cos I keep falling on my face, and every time I do, it's another blow to my reputation.) And I have to remind myself, "No Matt, you were NOT born to fail. You are not a professional failure, or a quitting specialist." But it feels like I am.

Let's examine the greatest examples of quitting, failing or giving up from my past:

1. I had to repeat kindergarten, an event that traumatized me and had long term psychological effects. It had nothing to do with a lack of intelligence; there were medical problems and possibly other things as well that I can't go into here. It wasn't my fault, but of course I felt like it was.

2. I quit the Cub Scouts after only a few months. But I don't think that should count, because it seems like the whole organization left our city and schools; I mean, everybody quit. Not just me.

3. It took 3 years to get through a 2-year community college Associate degree program, not because I was working, but because I often dropped classes for one reason or another. It was too hard, or I disliked the instructor, etc.

4. I got a part-time job at Gyros Gyros at the mall, and quit after one day. It was a fast-paced, stressful and loud environment, the complete opposite of what my timid personality could handle.

5. I moved to Eugene in 1996 to continue college, but moved back home after only one term because I had an emotional breakdown. (I went for the wrong reasons; you can get the full story if you go back and read earlier entries.)

6. There was a film project that I wrote and was supposed to be directing with a bunch of students from CCC, but through a series of scheduling conflicts, misunderstandings, and lack of communication, I had to call the thing off; apparently people didn't really want to do it anyway but were afraid to tell me.

7. I moved to Mercer Island, WA (right next to Seattle) with some friends, but moved back home 9 months later after I lost one of those friendships, could not find decent work, and got terribly homesick.

8. I took $20,000 worth of film school (all loans, of course) over a span of 2 years, often quitting classes, only to have to retake them later. Upon my first F grade, I quit for good, realizing that film was too technical and left-brained, and that theatre was my real love. (I still write movie scripts, but the idea of trying to make them scares the crap out of me.)

9. I tried to produce a play of mine a number of times (in fact, the same one I just quit again), but I was never able to cast the thing.

10. I quit my retail job of 6 years after having a nervous breakdown, strife with coworkers, increased anxiety from not being able to do the things that were in my official job description, but instead having to be a jack of all trades.

11. I tried to produce an original Christmas play, written by me, in Gresham, but there were numerous problems, including not being able to find enough actors, and underestimating the cost of the production...not to mention the venue we were going to perform at was falling down.

12. I started my own theatre company, Book of Dreams productions, and produced two shows, but they were both disasters in terms of ticket sales and general critical reception (or complete lack thereof in one case). I realized I was a good director, but not a good producer.

13. So WHY did I try this latest project? When all I was doing was producing and not directing?

Because even though I've fallen down several times, I still have to get up. In fact, with each one of those unfortunate events listed above, I have learned something new. I may make the same mistake again, but for a different reason!  And some day I will get it right, I have to believe that. I have vision, and I have talent, which some people have indeed witnessed. I will keep going until I accomplish whatever I was put on this world to do. The world will not be rid of me yet!