a sea change

As usual, the title of this entry is deceptive. Yes, there's a change in the wind (maybe even in the sea) but it's not a change of monumental proportions. I still remain the same man I was when I wrote the last entry, but I'm tweaking the direction and focus of this blog just a little bit. Up until now, the pretense was "one man's gay Christian journey." But then I realized that I had a really hard time sticking to that specific criteria. So I'm broadening it a bit to free me to write whatever I want, although the downside may be that I no longer have an audience per se, just people who know and care who I am. Which is a very small number. Oh well. That's the way it has to be, at least for now. Telling people this is a "Christian-themed blog" just feels like a bait-and-switch. Not gonna do it anymore. This doesn't mean that God won't come up because I'm still a Christian. But generally, what you read here is not intended as spiritual discourse.

So who gives a shit about Matt Russell? I'm going to put a new caption beneath the title of this blog that says, "writer, director, producer"...That's not complete. Maybe I should add "alien." Part of what makes me interesting (and yes, I dare say that I am an interesting fellow) is how unusual my life is, how skewed my perspective, how unknown my feelings and how foreign my thoughts to the general populace. This does not make me feel proud or superior in any way. In fact, it makes me feel like I don't fit in anywhere, and it is, in fact, the whole impetus for writing, to cope with the ubiquitous feelings of isolation and loneliness. It's the mechanism by which I try to survive.

For example, a few weeks ago, I finished a play I've been scratching out for a long time. Little by little for years, and then the last 80% just eked out all at once. And in this play is all the things...or at least almost all the things I wish I could say to my straight friends, particularly the ones I like a little more than I should. It's the long bear hug that none of them want, but hidden in the form of a drama. Sometimes that is what you have to do.

There is no organization to this entry. To you new folks, be patient. I'm just getting used to this new format. It will be more coherent next time. I want to take a moment to mourn the loss of actor Cory Monteith. Of course, everyone has already had their cry on Facebook and Twitter, but it seems only appropriate for me to say a few words on here. I first saw him on one of my all-time favorite TV shows, Kyle XY. (If you've never seen it, I urge you to check it out because it's very well written, acted, etc.) And as has been the case before (as in with Matt Damon) I recognized his greatness before he became famous and so watching him on Glee was a terrific pleasure for me. Glee itself is a mixed bag. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's not. But when it's good, it's great, and has the power to touch hearts in a very meaningful way. And Cory was just like the guy next door that you have a crush on. You know you can't have him, but you also know that he's not going to hold your feelings against you. Completely harmless...except to himself.

This is a time of some stress, and I'll be trying to work through it by writing through it. 1.) I'm directing a short monologue for Public Playhouse to air on Aug. 4. It's a 7-page monologue. Rehearsals every day for a week and half before the air date. I've never done anything like this, and so it's a learning experience. 2.) I'm applying for a grant from Regional Arts and Cultural Council. This is will be for a project I wish to produce in the year 2014. There are many guidelines to this application process and it feels like an SAT test or something. I don't make a lot of money from my job, and so I can't generally afford to produce the projects that are on my heart to produce, and so I need funding. This is my first attempt at that. 3.) I'll be helping out with the fall production of Wilsonville Theater Co.'s Miracle on South Division Street by...okay I can't remember the playwright, I'll tell you later. I'll be kind of a 2nd pair of eyes for the director...unless she wants me to act in it, which might be fun because it's been a long time. It would be fun but SCARY!!!  4.) My new play which I mentioned earlier is being read by PDX Playwrights on Aug. 6 and if all goes well, I want to produce it for Fertile Ground. Well, some of you know I tried to produce one of my works for FG last year, and it was a complete disaster. I know the mistakes I made, and I honestly am not going to make them again...I'm wiser, but I'm still gun-shy, because what happened last year really hurt. 5.) I've given up any notion of producing the Christmas show. It's okay because I feel like it's all in God's timing, you know, but it's hard too because it can only be produced during one season in the year. If I don't do it this fall, it has to wait another year. And I just think it's a really damn good show, but I may be the only one who thinks that.

At some point soon, I'll write about my addiction. It's not drugs or alcohol or sex. It's the search for love and affection, and you would be surprised by the different ways in which it manifests. But not tonight. This is a good start to the new direction. If this was live, you'd all be throwing rotten fruit at me. Thank God for the internet.