Depression is real.

You could call me the king of the Overshare, a master of TMI. And I get really conflicted about it because I never wanted this to be all about myself. Or if it was, I wanted it to be a chronicle of a spiritual journey, not a therapy session. But the difficult truth is that I've struggled with depression (sometimes quite severe) almost all my life, and likewise, I've almost never felt like I had people--outside my family, who I don't want to burden with it--to talk to, from the heart. It all just gets too much. "Man, it costs to be friends with you." I saw my first shrink in 1996, and that's when I took my first depression and anxiety meds; I've been on such prescriptions ever since. I think I've taken just about all of them. And I've been through at least 10 therapists. I've sought help in the church. I've tried to form friendships out of professional relationships. I've confused friendship and romantic love more times than I can count. And I do believe that God is real, with all my heart, and I talk to Him a lot, but sometimes I long for someone to be here in physical form to hold me and whisper comforting words in my ear.

I have friends, and they're not perfect, but they're not bad either. I admit that my standards have been too high. I'm not trying to say I'm settling, which would be insulting to them; I'm merely pointing out that most people can't fit in the mold that I would want them to, in the same way I can't be what everyone wants me to be. It's taken me nearly all of my four decades to really "get" this and accept it. Some of my friends are just activity partners. Some of them, I do more listening than talking. Some of them, I feel like we've drifted apart from each other, and I don't know how to be close again. Some of them I have little in common with, but I feel I'd give my life for. Some of them, I don't want to confide in because I feel like they condescend and tell me all the ways they think I'm wrong, when I just really want someone to listen. Very few do I feel a real deep connection with, and feel like it goes both ways. And almost always, I feel like I'm either going to get love or respect--not both. Now what would suck is if all my friends read this and tried to figure out what category they fell into, because the truth is, I love them all, and whatever role they have in my life, I'm good with it. There are a few from which I wish for more. It's always been that way. But you take what is offered and try to give as much as you can back.

Why is my heart wanting to share this with all of you right now? I just want to be real and honest. It sucks when I try to throw a party and nobody wants to come. It sucks when I email someone repeatedly and they don't respond. It sucks to not hear from people for weeks or months at a time. It sucks to feel like I'm always the one who has to reach out. And yet, I think that's all my fault because I've worn my heart on my sleeve too much. True, now in 2013, I've relegated most of that to this blog which almost nobody reads. But still, I think I give off this vibe like, "I want something from you, more than you'll be wanting to give." The sad thing is, it's true in most cases. And yet I've tried so hard to reign that in, you have no idea. I mean, really, if you knew the effort it takes me to just be cool and act like I'm not feeling a lot more than I'm saying, you would be impressed by how well I actually do, especially in comparison with how I used to be. I may sound like a mess here, but I'm a lot more reformed than most of you realize. (If you knew me in the mid-90s you wouldn't want to get within a mile of me, much less friend me on Facebook or read my stupid blog.)

But the problem with that is, I end up keeping it all inside. And when loneliness comes (which happens a lot more than I dare say), it does get very bad. I go to Facebook and give a status update just to feel like I'm not invisible, but it doesn't work. And when I feel this way, I know that not all of my friends could help me. And the ones I feel like they could, I'm afraid to ask.

If anyone is reading this, I would encourage them not to worry about me. I'm just doing my psychotherapy thing here. There is zero chance that I would harm myself, and the reason is simply LOVE. Not self-love, but love of others. But not everyone has been blessed with the love that I've been blessed with, and so I say to anyone reading this, don't ever assume that things are okay with someone. Check on them. Show your love whenever you can. Let them know they matter to you, and tell them why. And if I'm not practicing what I'm preaching, you can feel free to get on me about it.