"...because younger is always so pretty..."

That's from a John Mellencamp song, and one of the only exceptions to the rule of what I'm going to be talking about today is that I mainly admire an older generation of songwriters and musicians.

The other day, I responded to a personal ad on Craigslist. Like me, he was 40 and looking for "friendship or something more." He also said something that did not surprise me in the least: "I mainly get along with younger guys." I had to laugh, because that's something that I would say. I imagine, it's something that every 40-year-old might say, but I could be wrong. In spite of his honest stipulation, I wrote to the guy and said, "most younger guys are not interested in 40-year-olds." Needless to say, I didn't get a reply from him, even though I was friendly and told him I knew where he was coming from. I was "young at heart." But I also told him that when I was younger, I had no desire to hang out with older men.

Well, when you're looking at it from the perspective of the older man, it seems quite hurtful, and you want to yell, "Ageism!" But this is kind of universal, isn't it? Oh sure, there are some young guys who go for older men, but it's usually because they want to be taken care of, not because they're really attracted to them. But a lot of olden men go for younger guys, if they can. It typically means they have to be in excellent shape and exceptionally attractive. And money doesn't hurt.

I find that when I'm looking at personal ads, I rarely even click on a profile for someone my age. Forty seems "old" to me, and I forget that I'm that old. I don't feel that old. In fact, I'm immature in a lot of ways, my emotional growth stunted in my adolescence. Those who know me and my living situation know that my lifestyle is more like a kid's than an adult. There are many adult rites of passage that I have not gone through yet. Or maybe I started to, but failed.

And if you're a frequent reader of this blog, or if you know me at all, you can tell I'm not just talking about sexual relationships when I look to younger men. Every time I work with younger men in a show, whatever younger men who happen to be in my life, I just am drawn to them and want to hang out with them. I had a problem during my last show because I was around a group of guys who were in their 20s and they all clustered around each other, and I tried to join them, but I found that I couldn't. Oh, it's not like they told me to go away, but somehow I just knew that I was not one of them, no matter how much I wanted to be.

I get pretty emotional as I write these words because when I look at my life right now, I see very few people my own age, and the people I am really drawn to are much younger, and often married, sometimes with kids. I tell myself it's fine because I'm not after these men, sexually, but the truth is, the kind of close friendship that I want is more like a romance than a normal friendship between dudes.

Young people say they don't have anything in common with older people. To some extent, that may be true. As I mentioned before, my music taste is very different from that of my younger friends. I don't do gaming of any kind. And I think that when you're older, you do see the world differently. I look back on my 20s and think that I was a stupid, immature jackass. I'm glad I'm not that same guy that I was back then. But then I get upset when I see people that age acting their age. You're supposed to be selfish and immature in your 20s. Hopefully, you grow out of it.

I've always been looking back. My whole life, looking back. When I was a kid, I was a loner and didn't do things with other kids. So when I got older, I wished I could go back and be a child, but I couldn't. And then when I was a teen, I was a pariah and generally hated, and I did not experience the rituals of being an American teenager. So when I hit adulthood, I wasn't ready for it. And as I've gotten older, year by year, I can't seem to stop looking back and trying to live an earlier time in my life, trying to get it right this time, trying to board a ship that has long since sailed. As much as I can't be a kid and do kid things, I can't be 20-something anymore either. Words can't express how much I want to be, but I can't. And whenever I try to surround myself with the younger crowd, I'm reminded that youth is something that I missed, and I can't go back.

Older and older we get, the years stack on each other. Eventually, the young guys who don't think they have anything in common with me will look to an even younger generation that is more beautiful, more desirable, more ambitious, and more elitist than they are. But when they're 40 and I'm 60, I still won't have a chance with them.