of true confessions, leaps of faith...

I used to write letters. Long letters. Not because I had a long distance pen pal. In fact, most of the letters I used to write were to people who lived within 10 miles of me. I wasn't trying to recapture a lost art (although now that seems oddly worth doing). The thing was, my shyness used to make it impossible for me to tell people how I felt. What I couldn't imagine at the time (though now it seems so obvious) was that people, for the most part, were not generally interested in hearing it...or reading it.

People never seemed to fit my expectation of what a Friend was supposed to be. And I suppose that I didn't fit people's own idea of the same. I was terrified of the phone: what if I interrupted something important? What if I woke them up? What if I dialed a wrong number? And if we happened to meet somewhere, I would either clam up and be a total bore or else I would unleash this explosion of pent up feeling, like I was in a shrink's office, leaving the other guy to feel like he had to dispense some Wisdom, which he didn't really have to give.

So I never got out much. And whenever I felt drawn to a person, I would write to them. I knew it was strange and probably unwelcome. But I just couldn't help myself. There was a time that I just felt a desperate need to reach out like that. What would I tell them? Well, I'm not going to relive all that here. Sometimes, it was something that they did not want to know, or should not know, or did not need to know. Sometimes, I just felt like I needed them to know for my own peace of mind. But I was lying to myself, because it didn't give me peace of mind. When people didn't respond, or when they responded badly, it just brought more sadness, confusion, loneliness and desperation. Sometimes it would become a cycle and I would write again and again, even though it was obvious that it was the wrong thing to do. In the midst of revealing heavy emotions, I would also just talk about normal friend things. I would talk about songs I liked or movies, books, other culture. I used to quote a lot. When I could not think of what to say, I let Tori Amos or Smashing Pumpkins or Foetus say it.

And what did I hope to gain from all this? Writing a long, heart-felt letter is like a leap of faith because you're investing time and emotional energy into the idea that this person you're writing to is going to read what you've written, and that it will affect them in some way that is favorable to you. I wanted people to understand me. I wanted them to like me. In some cases, I wanted them to help me. Because a lot of these letters were written in a very dark time when I didn't know what to do.

There's really only one person that I still write letters to. He resides in a prison a long ways away. I've never met him. I think I've mentioned him here before, but I haven't identified him, and I won't. (I have a feeling that people would judge me for wanting to correspond with this person.)  But it's amazing to me how much my motives for writing him seem the same as when I wrote those letters to all those other people years ago. I seem to be looking for a friend, for understanding, for love even. And here's a captive audience, although that's not really true; he doesn't have to read them, and if he told me to leave him alone, I would. But he's written back only a few times in several years, and it's very hard to keep it up. It's that leap of faith, a faith that seems to grow weaker as time goes on, because I never know if I'll hear from him again. Do I really want to spend the time and energy on this? Do I really want to feel things for someone who is really not accessible to me? How do I know when to stop?

Some of what I used to write in letters, I put in blogs like these. It's not the same. It's still a leap of faith because who even reads this? But it's not personal. It's not "from me to you". When I wrote letters, it's like I was trying to touch a person's soul. But this here is just...food for thought, followed by forgetfulness. Go back to Facebook, go back to your emails, Twitter, your online games, your porno, whatever. I don't try to touch people hearts because I don't think they want that. I have to find a sexual partner for that. And that has always been exceedingly difficult for me.

As I've grown older, I've learned about boundaries. I can say whatever I want here because you chose to open this document. But if I send a letter...If we're talking and I say something deep or emotional, I know it tends to be off limits. When I was growing up, I was guarded (shy), and then I found a way to be unguarded (letters) but then I realized it went too far, and now I'm guarded again. I don't say what I want to say. I feel things, and I keep them to myself. It's how you're supposed to do. It's what's expected.

I still don't get out much.