Have a little faith

Well, it has been a long time since I have written here. I entered a dark period after FOREVER PLAID...I knew I would. Maybe that's why it happened, too much negative thinking. I knew that it's always been difficult after a show, difficult to let go. So I find myself trying to keep in touch with everybody, as if I have enough in common with them to be buddies. I'm nearly twice their age, for goodness sake. Of course I always feel best hanging out with younger people, but that's my problem. My other problem is that I have always relied on projects to motivate people to associate with me, so I don't know how to socialize if I don't have a project to pitch.

A lot has changed in the spiritual realm since last I wrote. I quit going to the church I was going to. I got tired of worrying about whether they'd accept me because of my homosexuality. I convinced myself that they had rejected me, but I am not at all sure that's true. I don't even know who knew and who didn't. I never had the courage to even test those waters. I only sent out emails asking if they want to get coffee, and they were not responded to. So automatically, I assume they rejected me. There could be a million other reasons why, but I don't have the strength to sort it out.

So now I'm going to another church in Portland, and it isn't such a problem cos there's not really anybody there in my demographic to socialize with, so when I'm there, I just focus on God, and that's what it should be like anyway. They are a very different type of church...still Pentecostal (or charismatic, whichever you choose) but even more so than the other one. I'm learning a lot about the mountain moving power of faith, but progress is somewhat slow and I'm not yet that practiced in its application.

On a positive note, my proposed project for CoHo Productions, an original work called Between Heaven & Earth, is a finalist for their consideration to put on during their next season. We get interviewed in the next couple weeks, and basically I feel that if I do well smooth-talking in that interview, I should be doing a show for CoHo next season!!!!!!!!! This is so great cos they are one of the most prestigious companies in Portland, and it can really advance my directing career.

On a not-so-positive note, I have not yet secured the funding for my production of EQUUS, which was gonna be this spring, but now it may be postponed until I can raise some dough. I'm looking at mainstage maybe in August, but that costs more than a late-night slot (which was my original plan)...anyone want to make a donation to a new, upcoming theatre company?

And that reminds me, I need a name for my company. Two ideas come from songs: "Flavour of Night" (Robyn Hitchcock) and "Book of Dreams" (Suzanne Vega). Can I do that? I also thought of David & Jon, cos I love the whole thing about the relationship between David and Jonathan in the Old Testament. Water-2-Wine was another, but there's actually a wine company named that. Awestruck was a name I was gonna use like 10,000 years ago, doesn't thrill me so much anymore. Flyboy is another, inspired by my current favorite song, "Sleeps with Butterflies" by Tori Amos, the last line of which says, "So go on and fly, boy."

This week it's just me and Dad here at the house. And Dad has rehearsals at night. I want to entertain friends, but it has been hard to get people to come by. I live a long ways away from most people. I fancy myself a great dinner party host. Do you think there will be parties in Heaven? I hope so..................

Global Warming

As I sit here on a cold October evening, drinking Crown Royal, waiting for it to warm my insides, I think not about what's now referred to as "climate change" and is a source of great debate among scientists, politicians, and skeptics, but rather on the real global warming, which is NOT happening, at least not in my perception, a warming of all men's hearts towards each other.

As evidence of this non-trend, look inside my own heart. I am ANGRY at those who have publicly declined to see my show, FOREVER PLAID. I want to yell at them, or worse. I must take it as a personal rejection, even though deep down, I know it's not. Maybe musicals or even theatre are simply not their cup of tea. Isn't that okay??? It should be. But I have so much built up hurt from over the years being rejected by various different people, that everything starts to feel like a rejection, even when it's not. So I believe in "loving one another"...as long as they see my show.

Then there's everyone I've tried to be friends with who weren't interested. I've covered this before, so I'm not going to belabor it, but what about the people in my church who are supposed to reach out in love toward one another, but they just seem to refuse to acknowledge me. That's not nice, that's not Christian!!! My heart freezes...

But have I always been available to everyone in need? Have I never rejected anyone?

I'm a deeply touchy-feely type person, but you wouldn't know it from the way I behave. It's hard to be gay and affectionate because you worry that straight folks will think you're being inappropriate with them. I had a heck of a time trying to convince my actors in the current show to go ahead and be affectionate with each other, that it was okay because it didn't mean they were gay...But I didn't push the issue nearly as much as I would have had I not been gay myself and not feared being misunderstood or accused of something improper.

If I could, I would hug nearly everyone I meet, unless they seemed unclean or unhealthy. But I end up doing the opposite. I don't hug anybody. God forbid someone gets the wrong idea. I love people, but I don't act like it. Instead I try to use wit to make people like me. And I used to ask for help, but now I realize that our society just sees you as weak and pathetic if you do.

But actually this entry wasn't supposed to be a bunch of complaining. I have a lot to be thankful for. God is a hearer of our prayers, and He is also an answerer. Kind of a funny way of putting it, I guess, but that's how it is written in my heart. Most of my life, I didn't really know this. Well sure, if you're a believer, you think that He cares about your food and clothing and shelter. But are you telling me He cares about desires too? YES!!!!!!!!!!!!

And some of that is too personal to write here, but I'll use the play as an example of something that was given to me that brought me out of a period of isolation that I had been in for over a year. It was just what I needed. Of course the down side of directing, as I've learned from the many shows I've done, is that once the show opens, there's kind of a split between you the director, and everyone else. The show is put in their hands, and at the same time, you're not really part of the group anymore, you feel like they're done with you. I've pretty much had that in every show I've ever done. You see the cast's camaraderie and wish you were a part of that, but you're sort of not. But that doesn't mean I want to be an actor! Directing is in my blood. And I just LOVE this group. If any of them is reading this, know you've helped my life to be better in the last couple months.

(Taking a drink) Oh, my ice has melted...

The Ugly Truth

Ah, let us close our eyes and think of a bygone era in which doors didn't have to be locked at night, a man helped his neighbor, and no grudges were held.

But in 2009, our culture has become so self-absorbed and we believe that we are entitled to a perfect, struggle-free life, and anyone who gets in the way of that better be ready to pay up. The latest? Former Miss California Carrie Prejean who had her 15 minutes of fame when she answered a question in a non-politically correct fashion at the Miss USA Pageant several months ago. She is now suing for discrimination, claiming that she was persecuted for her expressed beliefs. When all this originally went down, I was hit with a flood of different contrasting emotions and it was hard to get a handle on everything that I was feeling. It was also hard to keep anger in check.

Let's start at the beginning. You have Miss Prejean, Miss California standing on a stage being questioned by queer muckraker Perez Hilton about whether states should allow same-sex marriage. Well, Prejean stated that in fact, no, they shouldn't, that marriage should be between a man and a woman. This is a commonly held belief among Christians. Now, there are some important points that need to be made right from the start. #1 - That question never should have been asked in a setting like a Miss USA pageant. It is such a polarizing issue that the person being asked is really in a no-win situation. She will offend millions, no matter how she answers. All Hilton was doing was stirring up trouble, and he knew it. That was compounded by his hateful blog entry later when he called her terrible names and assaulted her character. Point #2 - Having been asked that question, she had a right to answer in whatever way was honest and from the heart. She was not wrong for answering the way she did.

Following this, Prejean and Hilton made the same mistake, oddly enough. Hilton claimed that her answer was the reason she lost the Miss USA pageant, and Prejean essentially agreed with him. Okay, never mind that we have a perfectly good candidate who did win, presumably on her own merits. What, are we now saying she was a dog and didn't deserve to win? That is extremely disrespectful. And Hilton only hurt the gay rights cause by making such a stink, because he has given Prejean a political platform that she did not have before. He's given her a soapbox to stand on. She started appearing in TV ads against gay marriage. She went on FOX news telling her sob story and how much of a victim she was. She gained passionate supporters in people like Hannity and O'Reilley. Thanks Perez, for elevating her to almost martyr status. Good job!

Then she lost her Miss California crown, and there's debate about why that is. She says it's because of her beliefs. The Miss California officials claim it's because she didn't do her job. I tend to believe the officials. So now Prejean is on a rampage to clear her good name and be compensated for how she's been wronged.

But is that what Christ did? He was brought before the court and people said vile things about Him, spat on Him, whipped Him, beat Him, calling Him a blasphemer. Did He say, "No, you're wrong, I am being unjustly persecuted"? No, He did not, because He knew that the task that was required of Him also required His silence.

Paul and other apostles were imprisoned for spreading the Gospel of Christ. They weren't doing anything wrong, but in that day and age, the Gospel could get you killed. Yet they remained steadfast and determined to spread the Good News at any cost. They didn't have the option of suing those who spoke against them or threw them in prison. And the way they endured their trials with grace and love glorified Christ.

The Word of God says we'll suffer and be persecuted for His sake. Sadly, American society is becoming more and more like that old ancient hedonistic Roman one where Christian thinking and values are looked on with disgust. How will we deal with the rising tide of secular humanism and all its attempts to banish God from our culture? Do we go to court? See, it just seems to me that such a road is divisive and ultimately harmful to the cause. The reason I said I was so emotional about the whole pageant thing is because as a Christian, it breaks my heart to think that our right of free speech could be taken away. But as a gay man, it breaks my heart to hear a Christian speak with such startling lack of empathy and compassion. So the war rages on. If you offend me, we must fight, or take each other to court. Jesus said turn the other cheek. He was not being cute; he really, really meant it.

But I know the problem with anger. Just last night, I had a real struggle with anger as I was confronted with a situation in my play rehearsals that I felt was unfair, and it took hours to sort of cool off, but not before I made myself look like kind of an ass in front of the other people involved. When I was working at Kmart, there were people who "made my blood boil" by accusing me of not working hard enough, not doing my job properly, and I got so mad, I complained to management. Did that solve anything? Not really. I believe Jesus would have said to pray for that co-worker, to be kind to her, to listen to her, to ask her how I could help her out more.

Anger is a poison. It is associated with deep wounds that we all have. When we get our feelings hurt, we tend to respond in anger much of the time. I believe that Prejean's anti-gay publicity tour following the pageant was a result of her being lashed out at, and she felt like she had to defend herself. Who started the war? Who shed first blood? It wasn't her. But once the war started, she fought, fought, fought, like her dignity and even her very identity depended on it. We all do that.

Christians and gays, raise the white flag. Gays, the diversity symbolized by your beloved rainbow is represented as much by people of faith as by anyone else. And Christians, you've been called not to defend yourselves but to take up your cross and live the life of Jesus, which was marked by endless love for others and personal sacrifice.

Give Me A Reason

This weblog is not what I originally intended. And isn't that the way life goes sometimes, when you think you're doing something for a specific reason, but come to find out, it actually serves an entirely different purpose? You make a Big Decision in life cos you think you're Living the Dream, but in reality what you're really doing is learning a lesson about what happens when you go your own way and not ask God for guidance. You think you're going to the store to buy eggs and a loaf of bread, but it's really to help someone out with a flat tire. You don't know that when you're going out the door. You don't know it when you sit at your computer. What does He have in mind? I just know that I don't want all my days to be the same. I want my life to have purpose and direction. Being in tune with God is one of the best feelings there is.

So what I meant by this blog not being what I thought it was is that I meant for it to be read by people at my church, and by other friends who were believers. It hasn't turned out that way. My parents have read some entries, and one of my two blog followers is a Christian, but other than that, it's not fulfilled the purpose that I had in mind when creating it. It was going to be a back and forth flow of ideas between Christians, made up of testimonies and confessed struggles and encouragements. "Oh my brother, you're going through that too? Well, I just want to let you know you're not alone!" This was my vision.

But as I got more and more in depth in terms of the kinds of things I needed to talk about, I found myself desiring more for my non-Christian friends to read it...Not because I'm trying to convert them to Christianity, but because the thoughts and feelings recorded here are truly representative of what's going on in my life, and if they can read that, the idea is that they would better understand who I am and why I do some of the crazy things I do. Of course if they thought about Jesus too as a result, I could not complain.

Every Christian is brought up to recognize the importance of witnessing to non-believers. We're taught that Hell is a real place, an eternal torment. And so Christians reach out in love to people who don't want to hear it, people who don't really appreciate that the Jesus Freak is just trying to prevent them from suffering. And of course much of the time, it doesn't sound like love, it just sounds like condemnation. It sounds like "I'm holier than thou." And it's not supposed to be that way.

Of course, I have been a terrible witness most of my life. Oh, when I was a child, I had that wonderful green T-shirt with the painting of Christ on it that said, "I believe in miracles." And, you know, my third grade classmates actually really dug that shirt. But since then...Forget about it!!!

I became selfish, like every teenager and then young adult. I became full of lust, again like every teen and young adult male. I discovered alcohol...not that alcohol in itself is bad, but when you want to get wasted all the time, it's a signal that something might be wrong. I developed a love for violent imagery and coarse language in movies, TV, music, and literature. Of course being gay, I was estranged from the church. So generally the friends I made from junior high on were not Christians. I became an obsessively needy and dependant person...but it wasn't God I was leaning on, it was people who didn't even care about me. I developed anger management issues. I refused to take care of myself physically, emotionally, spiritually, just let myself go, indulged only in what felt good, never took the time to do anything healthy or productive. I let fear guide my choices and keep me from doing what was important. I followed my own heart's desires, not caring what was truly good for me or for the other people in my life, or what plan God might have for me. And, you know, I say all these things in the past tense, but don't think for a minute that I am through with all these issues. Christ has overcome the world; I, on the other hand, am still working on it.

But admitting your faith is hard. It is extremely important, but it is difficult, even more so than being openly gay. At least, in the circles I've hung out with, people are much more likely to embrace a gay person with open arms than a Christian. "Christians are hypocrites," they say. I say, yes they are, but so is everyone. It is part of human nature.

No one has ever asked me why I'm a Christian. That may be a good thing, because I don't know if I would have the right words to explain. But I want to try. And please, if this is really lame, know that I will be able to articulate it better someday.

You start with upbringing. You're raised to believe a certain way, and if you really believe what you're told, it's kind of hard to un-believe it. But that's only the beginning. Because you do reach a point in your life where you have to choose whether to continue in that faith. I think some people don't consciously make a choice, but their faith fades from them over time like colors in the wash. You ask them if they're a Christian and they say, "Uh, yeah I guess so" because that's how they were raised but they don't have a full, interactive relationship with God.

Having a relationship with God takes effort, because you have to think about what you're doing, and when God speaks to your heart that you have done something wrong, you have to ask forgiveness. You have to try to live in a way that reflects God's righteousness, and "die to self". But if you're like me, you get into this routine of just doing whatever you want whenever you want and then just asking for forgiveness afterward, and thinking everything is okay, but it's not because you're grieving God and damaging your relationship with Him.

So why go to the trouble? Is it just cos you don't want to burn in Hell? Well, that's a good question. I believe that Fire-&-Brimstone teaching as a method of bringing people to Christ is problematic to say the least. The reason is that people do not get a glimpse of just how loving God really is; they see Him as pretty harsh and mean to throw people in Hell...Where's the love? I thought God was love.

Well, all you have to do to know about God's love is to study the life (and death) of Jesus Christ. He is definitely the counterpoint to that whole Hell business, because God doesn't really want people to be lost. If you don't believe me, just look closely at everything that Christ did: the perfect paradise He came from, coming down to live in this cesspool (compared to Heaven), living a life of humility, being rejected by those He came to minister to, resisting all sin and temptation, and ultimately suffering and dying to receive our punishment for sins so that we don't have to worry about that afore-mentioned tormented destiny.

When you have a relationship with Him, and you talk to Him, and He talks to you (I don't mean in an audible voice, although that's not impossible), you can feel His love for you in your heart. You realize that you may not understand everything about the nature and character of God, but he tells you what you need to know. He listens. He answers. He is always there; there is no one else in the universe who is always there for you. You can reach out and touch Him. Indeed, if you are in Christ, He is literally in you. And you realize that He has a purpose for you...Oh, and He also cares about your desires too, even if some of 'em are not His will. You can come to Him with anything and everything that is on your heart and mind, and I believe He will address it. Sometimes it takes time though, and that's where faith comes in.

I like knowing that there's Someone who knows me inside and out, Someone I can't lie to, Someone I can never hide from, Someone who always knows where I am, what I'm thinking, how I'm feeling, what I'm doing, what I'm going to do, what I want, what I need...And this person who is so privy to my private life happens to love me more than I can even imagine and wants what's best for me.

But is that why I believe? Is that my answer about why to follow Christ? Hmm...I really can only speak for myself. I just can't imagine being without Him.

If You Could See Me Now

The title of this entry is also the title of a song I recently wrote, and it does relate, but I won't reprint it here. It's in the MySpace blog if anyone is interested. It's also the name of a Peter Straub novel which I haven't read. I'm sure it's the name for a lot of things. It resonates in an odd way. It is wistful, longing, tinged with either pride or regret. I haven't gone to any high school reunions, and I don't plan to...not unless I change a lot for the better. I worked overnight at the store a couple years ago, and another person on our crew was this 19-year-old punk who bragged about being on meth, and he called me a loser. For working that job. For living with my parents at my age, mid-thirties. For...probably a number of other reasons. I knew that it was wrong for him to say what he did, but I didn't disagree with him. If I had, it wouldn't have hurt so much.

Here's a story I've told many times, but I suppose I'll keep telling it until I figure out whatever it is I'm supposed to learn from it. If it sounds familiar, from my previous entry, you're right. And bits and pieces of many entries before that.

When I was in high school, there was a boy I thought was the most incredible young man on the planet...Surely God's perfect creation. All I wanted was to be friends with him. It never happened, though we had a mutual respect for each other, and did some class stuff together. College saw the same thing happening, still wanted a deep friendship with this person, but never made it happen. Then the time came for him to leave town; he was going away to another college. And after six years of making him an idol (God forgive me), I felt so completely devastated at his coming departure that I was beside myself, wondering what to do. I decided to spill my guts to him, tell him how I felt and see if a friendship could be formed. And what do you know? We were friends, just like that. But I screwed it up. It doesn't matter how...I mean, it does matter, but not for the sake of this blog. He ran from me as from some viral hot zone. And I prayed and prayed to get him back. I said, "God, I put this in YOUR hands. This friendship between me and him, consider it YOURS, grow it, nurture it like something that belongs to YOU."

But one of the hardest things for any Christian to learn is that when you give a matter to God, you must then leave it alone, wait for Him to do what He will do. He may not do what you want Him to do. And I think that's why we make the mistake of taking things back from Him, because we don't trust Him to do OUR will. We know that He will do His own will, but what if that is not what WE want?

This guy would have nothing to do with me. Answered no phone calls or letters. I was dead to him. So what did I do? I moved to the town where he had recently relocated! You know, it's amazing how we can fool ourselves. Oh, I prayed about it. "Dear Lord, should I move to where he is?" Yeah I prayed night and day, but did I wait for an answer? If I had heard an answer, would I have listened? Would I have obeyed? I knew what I wanted to do, and I did it. And the situation became much worse. I was lucky he did not go to the police and get a protective order against me.

After less than three months, I went home to lick my wounds. I knew that all hope was lost. But I kept tabs on him, via the Internet. I kept an eye on what he was up to, not because I was going to DO anything, but just because I wanted to know. He had known that I wanted to become a filmmaker. That was not his ambition, it was mine. But through the years, he got a scholarship in screenwriting, then made some movies, and is now a successful Hollywood screenwriter. I could name drop some of the celebrities that are involved in his projects, but there's no point.

A few days ago, I googled him again and found out that he was wed in Italy a couple years ago. All his family and friends were there...all except...one. Well, no, I mean I'm not his friend anymore. I WAS, but haven't been in almost 15 years. That small mistake I made that made him back away...and the thousand bigger mistakes I made trying to correct the first mistake...That meant that we were not friends, like we would have been. I was not the one to read the rough drafts of his screenplays and tell him what was good and what wasn't. I was not the guy for him to bounce ideas off of. I did not work as part of a crew for any of his movies. And of course I would not be invited to his Italian wedding.

But like everyone else I suppose, I have these "what if...?" moments where I think, "What if I hadn't messed this up?" What if our friendship had survived? How would my life be different today? Would I still live in the house I grew up in? Would I still be financially dependent on others? Would I still be insecure, depressed, lonely, scared, and confused? Or would I have had the tools to solve all these problems? Might I have grown wings and taken flight? If he could see me now...If he could see me now, would he feel disgust or just pity?

I can't blame God for not blessing that friendship. I ruined it all by myself. Maybe I think God should have restrained me somehow, kept me from doing all the dumb things that I did. But He gives us free will. I was not nearly mature enough back then to trust Him and let Him show me how to handle things. And the sad thing is, I'm not a lot more mature now than I was then, although I try. Yes, I try, but I still mess up.

Maybe something terrible would have happened if he and I had continued on the course of friendship that I had wanted. Maybe it would have taken me in a direction away from God. Who knows? I don't envy his life. And I don't regret the experiences I've had as a result of not living that other life. What I regret is just not being a part of his life because I really did love him, and I wanted to be there. And I wanted him to be a part of my life, even if it was a small part. At the wedding, I would have patted him on the shoulder and said how happy I was for him. It would have been the essence of all that I had wanted.

Koinonia

I should just call this blog "friendship", but I'm being fancy. The two words don't really mean the same thing, but there is kind of a tangential connection between koinonia and friendship, and if you don't know what the former word means, just google it.

I have written many letters and many blog entries discussing the subject of friendship, and if anyone who has read a fraction of these decided they wanted to puke or hang themselves if they had to read anymore, I would understand. It's just that, this is my big Life Issue, the thing I have struggled with more than anything else, and at 36 years old, I still haven't gotten the answers I've been looking for to the questions that still haunt me: What is friendship? How do you form lasting ones? Can you choose your friends or do they choose you...or does God choose them for you? Why do these wonderful relationships end?

I want to talk about some of the greatest days and nights of my life. I had a huge crush on somebody for a long, long time. All through high school in fact, and into college. We were acquaintances and sometimes partners on class projects, but we didn't hang out. There was a mutual respect, but for some reason I never had the nerve to try and turn our casual acquaintance into a friendship. Well, after 5 years of this, I finally got up the nerve to just talk to him about how I felt. I knew he was straight, so there was no possibility of a love connection, but I was hoping that we could form a significant friendship bond that would last. The setting for this conversation was the grounds of Clackamas Community College after hours. I had just seen my first play, Minority Status Quo, be performed for the final time. It was Thursday, June 1, 1995. We talked for hours and he was so amazing and kind, as we just walked around the campus that warm summer night. Basically he said, "In my mind, we were already friends." It would have been perfect had it not been for the fact that he was moving away (to a four year college) and I was staying put. I grieved over hundreds of missed opportunities to hang out, but that one star-filled night...It was so good that it almost made up for all that. And it almost made up for the hell that would follow as the friendship took a nosedive weeks later, and I became, for a few months, the worst person I've ever been. But that one night, June 1, 1995, brothers and sisters, I experienced paradise.

Of course, when paradise is lost, you think you can never gain it back again, but you can, if only briefly. In 2001, I became friends with someone who was more like me than anyone I had ever known...Well, that may not exactly be the case because he was like me in certain ways (he was gay and an aspiring filmmaker) and not like me in others (he was decidedly NOT spiritual). I also had a crush on him, but he was taken, so I had to get used to that fact. We spent lots of time together though, just hanging out and talking, watching movies. One night I was house-sitting for a friend and he came over, and it was kind of a slumber party. We drank a lot and read each other's scripts and watched movies, and then he offered to sleep with me...not have sex, but sleep next to me, with an occasional arm around me. He said he knew there was a void in my life (affection, intimacy, whatever), and he wanted to fill that void that night. So we slept, and here was somebody who really cared about me. And that was heaven.

One of the first gay guys I ever met was at CCC in...oh, I think it was '93, but maybe it was '94. His name was Greg. There was this gay and lesbian support group that met on a weekly basis and there were only a few of us there, and he was one of them. We hung out a couple times, he took me to Hobo's a gay restaurant in Portland, I slept over at his place. We cuddled in bed together, but that's all. Though our relationship wasn't sexual, he was like my initiation into all things gay, cos I had really been sheltered all my life. Now I really wish I could find Greg, I'd love to talk to him.

Meeting gay friends is a challenge living where I live. I don't go to bars. And what's more, since I've made a new commitment to Christ, it's hard for me approach gay guys cos I'm worried that if I'm honest about my faith, they'll reject me. Likewise, if I am trying to make Christian friends and am honest about my sexuality, they will reject me. So now the difficult issue of friendship that I've struggled with all my life is even more difficult than ever.

I don't know how many in the church I go to know I'm gay. I think most Christian guys feel threatened, like if I reach out to them, it means I want to sleep with them. Not true. Why would they assume that? Do they think I'm just a sinner and can't be a real Christian? Do they think I can't possibly have anything to offer them? What am I supposed to do?

When I was working at the store, I tried to make friends with a lot of the younger guys. It's not merely because I was attracted to them, it's because I really felt like I had more in common with them than the middle aged people who worked there. I feel young at heart. But I think people are prejudiced concerning age. They just assume that you can't relate to someone 15 years older than you. I admit that such a friendship would be unusual, but that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with that. I think in our society we just put these strange arbitrary limits on our lifestyles, that we have to act a certain way, be friends with only a certain group of people, never stray out of the ordinary. And for someone like me who has NEVER been ordinary, well...You can see the problem.

I AM WRONG.

My favorite singer/songwriter Robyn Hitchcock introduced a live version of his song, "No, I Don't Remember Guildford" for friend Jonathan Demme's concert film Storefront Hitchcock with the words: "You know, when you think you're right about things, that can make you very bitter. If the rest of the world hasn't happened to go along with your ways of seeing things. And if the rest of the world includes someone you've been close to, then you feel worse."

I always get emotional listening to that little speech because it really strikes a chord with me. I remember my 7th grade math teacher Mr. Gibson giving his class a lecture on why it's bad to always have to be right. (He should not have been a math and science teacher; he was 100% philosopher.) But he was casting his pearls before swine; 7th grade is far too early for anyone to comprehend such important life lessons. Oddly enough, when my class moved on to high school, so did he.

Now as an old man, I realize what a lot of old people realize, and that is that life has very few assurances. Oh, there are some things we can know without a doubt, but not nearly as many as I once believed. And it won't be a surprise to those of you who realize this is a Christian-themed blog, that almost all of those certainties have to do with God. But more on that later.

One of the pitfalls that a back-slided Christian makes when he decides to start going to church again is the culture clash between the worldly ways that you've embraced for the last many years and the Christ-like living that the church body is supposedly trying to emulate. And I realize that's why a lot of Christians and non-Christians alike don't want to go to church or fellowship with believers because they think they're going to be confronted with everything that is considered "wrong" in the eyes of the holy (or "holier than thou") and righteous (or "self-righteous"). They're going to tell you that what you read is WRONG, what you listen to is WRONG, what you watch is WRONG, what you believe is WRONG, what you think is WRONG, yes, WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, praise the Lord. Repent and be saved. Of course! Why didn't I think of that?!?!?!

And obviously, if you're a GAY Christian, you can multiply that judgementalism by 1000. At least, that's what I've come to expect, and so I am not really "out" to many of the people in the church I go to, although I don't keep it a secret either. I mean, they see my Facebook, and they have a link to this blog, so it's not like I'm lying to them. I'm just not discussing it. But I want to make something real clear here. Most Christians believe that homosexuality is wrong. I question that, but only because I'm gay. If I wasn't gay, I would have the same interpretation of the 6 or so Bible verses that deal with the subject as most Christians do. I would not try to delve deeper by checking out the Gay Christian Network (see link on the right) or reading a book like What the Bible Really Says About Homosexuality by Daniel A. Helminiak. It would not matter to me. Why would it? So I don't hold fellow Christians' beliefs against them, at least I try not to. But here's the biggest point I want to make, and I may actually offend any gay buddies of mine who might be reading this. Are you ready? Here goes: If God doesn't want me to be gay, He can change me. And if He doesn't want me to engage in gay sex acts, He can change my heart so that I will conform to His will. I have told Him that I'm open to a heart-change, and a mind-change. But I believe only God can do that; I don't believe in programs like Exodus or other such things. I don't believe you can will yourself to be straight. I don't believe you can brainwash yourself to be straight. But you can have a heart that truly wants to do God's will and He can take it from there. For the record, at the current moment, I don't want to be straight, I want to be a with a guy, I want to marry a guy. That's just what a want. But God can change what we want; I really believe that.

But that's between me and God. I have to admit that there's a pride issue, where I would never want to admit to someone who is against homosexuality that "you're right, and I was wrong." That would be a painful thing to do. And I'm most certainly not ready to do such a thing in terms of my sexuality or music, or books or movies, or many other things in my life that might raise eyebrows. There is, however, something I have to confront, and it's the real purpose of this blog entry.

None of what's come before in this entry was what I was going to write. This was going to be called "Obsession: another word for Idolatry." I've talked a little bit about this in previous entries, so I won't touch too much on the idol factor, except to remind my readers who might not realize that whatever we care about more than our relationship with God is considered an idol. And God hates it when we have idols. In fact, if you were to read the Bible from cover to cover, I think you would find that one of the very most offensive things to God is idolatry. And it's not just a matter of worshipping false deities. If you care more about your wardrobe than your relationship with God, you are engaging in idolatry. If you care more about your boyfriend or girlfriend than about God, this is idolatry. If it gets between you and God, it's an idol. Now, I'm not a pastor or theologian, so if I'm missing the mark please don't stone me for heresy. I'm only relaying my understanding of what I've been told and have read in the last several months.

I like to think of myself as a good person. I know that who I am in Christ is not who the world sees. The world might see a loser who's in his 30's, unemployed, living with parents, who does not drive, and has no friends. And indeed, I have been called a loser before. I understand why they would say it. But that list of faults is not the summation of who I am. And my biggest fault of all--being obsessed with people and wanting their friendship to the point of becoming downright freaky about it--is also not reflective of the entire person that Matt Russell is, and certainly isn't what God made him to be.

But I have to talk about obsession because in this area, I really can and must say that I have been WRONG. And I hope that in admitting this to myself and to others, I can try to repent from this wrongness and find a more healthy way of dealing with people that I like.

I think the root of all obsession with other people stems from insecurity and a low self-image. If you think you're dogshit (pardon the term, but I want to really get the point across), you can't help but to look up to other people, indeed, put them on a pedestal, especially if they're people that you like and admire for whatever reason. You think that if they can be in your life, you will feel better about yourself, and hopefully have a good friend to boot. They seem "better" than other people. Often, it's partially because there's a physical attraction, but that's not the only component. If choosing friends was like choosing a meal in a restaurant, you look at the menu and find what looks best to you. And you fall in love with the idea of getting to know this person, even though there's no real practical basis for this perception that you will connect so wonderfully. You build it up in your mind to where it becomes so important to you that you cause yourself great embarrassment in your attempts to make friends with this person. And at worst, you may evoke the person's society-generated paranoia and fears of obsessed people as they've been portrayed in the movies, as violent stalkers, bent on causing harm and terror and destruction. In reality, obsession in itself is just a mental condition, like depression, and most obsessed people are not evil or violent. I certainly hope that anyone who knows me just a little bit would know that I'm not.

Over the years, there have been several guys that I've been obsessed with, and it's never resulted in the friendship that I wanted. Instead, it's caused much pain, the depth of which I am not even capable of describing. To constantly be rejected by the people you hold in high esteem, and not even for a romantic relationship but for a mere friendship. You like them SO MUCH, but they don't even care about you enough to get coffee or go to a movie or whatever. And I always looked to God and cried, "what's WRONG with these people? Don't they have compassion?"

But no...The real question should always have been, "What wrong with me?" Not "what's wrong with me that makes me unlikable?" although I have asked that question to myself many, many times. The real issue is, "What's wrong with me that makes me feel like I need this particular person in my life or I'll be unhappy or incomplete?" And why do I think it's okay to try and manipulate or emotionally blackmail people into giving me what I want? It's not that I'm always conscious of this, but sometimes I am, but just can't help it. Sometimes I feel SO desperate. What makes a person needy? Is it feeling like you've been deprived of your needs over the years? Well, it's true that I've always been shy, I've always been a nerd, and I've always, always had great difficulty finding friends. So yes, I feel deprived of people to be close to, except of course my family which is a blessing I know that not everyone has. But all my life I've felt an incredible loneliness that I've tried to quench in ways that always make me get more hurt and feel more lonely. When you're desperate, you become self-destructive. If I had a cute body, I'd be a slut. I'd hang out in the bars and hook up with people on Craigslist, trying to fulfill the emptiness with sex. And now my Christian friends say, "Wait a minute! Where is God in all this?" And that's a good question.

God wants to be our best friend, but you can't see Him with your eyes, you can't hear Him with your ears, you can't tell Him dirty jokes, you can't hug Him and feel the comfort of a physical embrace. You can't see a movie and chat with Him over coffee afterwards. But I know what the brothers are getting at. He doesn't just want to be close to us, He wants to be closest to us. And I've cared more about these guys than about spending time with the One who really does care about me. I'm not saying it's wrong to want human relationships, but I've taken the desire to insane proportions. And if all the objects of my obsessions over the years could read this, I would say I'm sorry. I would also say I still want you around, but can never blame you for finding me unworthy. After all, most people really don't want to be idolized. I wish you liked me. But how can you, if I don't like myself? And a person can never properly love himself without a concept of God's love for him or her. If I know that God made me in His image and loved me enough to die for me, then sent His Spirit to guide me in all my days, then I must not be what I thought I was. I must not be...dogshit. No matter who rejects me, God sees me as lovable as everyone else, and if I could see myself through His eyes, maybe I could see others that way as well, not as idols, but as human beings, only as special and imperfect as I am.