How to handle your Christian friends.

As Easter quickly approaches, I have the same frustration that I experience around Christmas. A lot of people like to point out that these holidays have pagan origins. In other words, the Catholic church integrated  Christian beliefs into preexisting pagan rituals, thus forming the holidays that Christians have celebrated for centuries. Of course, I'm not arguing about their pagan origins. I would like to point out, however, that people can choose what it is they're celebrating. If you want to celebrate Jesus Christ, you can do that and not worry about pagan origins. If you want to acknowledge the pagan festivals and their meaning while disregarding Christ, you're free to do that as well. It just seems like there's a tug-of-war over certain times of the year, and there's no reason for it. It also seems like there are people who just like to hurl shit at the beliefs of others for no reason. Why say something like "zombie Jesus" day? If you talk like that to a Christian, it's on a par with saying "that's so gay" to your LGBT friends.

I'm writing this for all my atheist and agnostic friends out there, and there are quite a few, and I care very much for all of them. I want to keep being friends with them; I don't want to be driven away by their insensitivity to my faith any more than I want to drive them away by trying to convert them. My guess is they feel sorry for me for being a gullible and delusional masochist who forces himself to live under a set of imposed values and beliefs, which keeps me from really living my life to the fullest. To those people: you're wrong, but I know you think you're right, and vice-versa, and on and on and on...This writing is not about trying to change your beliefs. It's about being understood.

Christians are not much different from anyone else. They have certain values, and they deserve to not be mocked. While it's true that many Christians have gotten political and made themselves to look like hatemongers, it's unfair to generalize them all in that way. What I want to do is give you a glimpse of a random Christian, someone you might actually like, someone with whom you may find common ground. That Christian, of course, is me. And here's what I want you to know.

I don't think I'm better than anybody else. You might hear me saying, "I am the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus." But it's those last 3 words that are most important. What righteousness I have comes from Him. It's not because I do good (I often don't); it's merely because I've chosen to receive and believe on Him. So no Christian should ever be giving you "I'm holier than thou" vibes.

If a Christian wants to talk to you about Jesus or invite you to church, it is not because he thinks there is something wrong with you. We believe everyone who is born on this earth needs Jesus; he's our connection to God, and our escape from spiritual death. We're not holding contests to see how many people we can bring to our church, to increase tithes and offerings. This isn't what's on my heart, and I don't believe it's what's on the heart of most believers. Think of it this way:   Imagine if someone you loved told you that he was going to kill himself, and there was nothing you could do about it. Would you respect his decision or would you try to stop him? And would he feel disrespected and insulted that you tried to stop him? When a Christian talks to you about Jesus, in his mind he is trying to throw you out of the path of a speeding semi truck. The fact that they don't want you to go to hell means that they love you, not that they disrespect you.

Here's another way I look at it. What if Christians are wrong and there's no god? I guess people would just die; they wouldn't have a chance to be disappointed because if they're dead, they're not thinking about whether there's an afterlife or not. They will have lived a life that gave them meaning and a sense of purpose. They would not have missed out on anything important. However, what if Christians are right, and our God is real? The disappointment and regret non-believers would face upon death is beyond measure.

Christians don't claim to understand everything, or know everything. If you ask me to prove that God exists, I would have to say, "Sorry, it doesn't work like that." I know in my heart that he's real and living in me, but that's a personal discovery that everyone has to make. They have to be open to it. I do believe that God reaches out and pulls on someone's heart. I don't know why there's so much suffering in the world, although much of it is because God gave man the gift of free will. You wouldn't want it any other way. You don't want to be forced to worship anything. And honestly, I don't think He wants people to be forced; He wants them to make the choice. As for why there is the unusually cruel fact of an eternal hell?  Well, my friends, that's one I cannot answer for you. I know it wasn't meant for man, but it's free will that can get him there. I don't know why man only has limited chances for salvation. I guess when I see Him face to face, I can ask.

I know a lot of my friends might wonder how I can be a Christian and still be gay...and not only that; there are plenty of other things in my life--movies I watch, music I listen to, words I use, drinking, etc--that would raise the eyebrows of some Christians. Well, I'm a work in progress, and I am perfectly righteous but only through Christ. (I know I already said that.) I believe that whatever God wants us as individuals to change in our lives, He gives us the grace and power to do so. These are things I talk to God about all the time. Does it make me look like a hypocrite? Perhaps, but I never pretend that my deeds make me a good person. And I make it a point not to judge others, and usually I'm successful in that area.

There may be a part two to this. Thanks for reading, and be nice to your Christian friends. We'll be nice to you. At least I will.

So this is Christmas...

I'm so sorry, I had to title this from a line in a song I don't even like. And I LOVE Christmas songs, for the most part, most of them. From songs I learned from working at Kmart during the holiday season ("I Was Born On Christmas Day" by Saint Etienne, "2000 Miles" by the Pretenders and "New Years Baby" by Cyndi Lauper) to clever twists on classics by favorite artists (Midwinter Graces by Tori Amos is hands down my favorite holiday album) to time-honored spiritual hymns, delivered in a number of traditional and alternative ways. "We Three Kings", "O Holy Night", "What Child is This?" I could listen to over and over again, and do in fact. But the unexpected favorite is Tori's heartfelt version of "Good King Wenceslas". To me, it totally captures the spirit of what the holidays are supposed to be about.

I start listening to these songs even before Thanksgiving. And once Thanksgiving is over, up go the decorations. I'm doing good to take them down by Valentine's Day. Every year, there are dozens of new cable TV Christmas movies, and I try to watch all of them, except for just a few that look too stupid, mostly involving the workings of Santa and his stupid elves. I most enjoy the romances, because I am a romantic to the core.

No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to shake off this "Christmas is a time for miracles" notion that these movies and many of the songs communicate. I know it's a set-up for disappointment. I mean, it's quite simple, really, to do this to yourself. Imagine one thing you've wanted for a very long time, and hope that it lands in your lap on Christmas, just like in a Hallmark movie. You may think "no one can be that dumb," but believe me, it's not that hard, if you want something bad enough. For many years, I've longed for a reconciliation with an old friend named Eric who I was estranged from in 1995. Generally, I don't spend much of my life thinking about this (not since the late 90's, anyway), but sometimes, around Christmas, I think, "Gee, God, wouldn't it be nice to get an unexpected letter..."

As many know, two days after Christmas last year, my dad and I got in a bad car accident. I spent two nights in the ICU, and Dad was treated & released. I, myself, am sketchy about the details, because I blacked out, but I've heard a lot to suggest to me that our survival and recovery were Christmas miracles...just held over a couple days.

But in a season like this year's, that has seen so much publicized tragedy, one could fairly ask where was the miracle in Connecticut where all those poor children were gunned down? And I honestly can't give you an answer to that question. Man has free will, to love or hate, to bless or harm. I believe tears were shed from Heaven that day.

I wish I could express my love for my family and friends the way that I want to. But in many cases, something gets in the way. Maybe I'm afraid they'll misunderstand me. Maybe I'm afraid of being ignored. (I've felt that way a lot lately.) Maybe I'm afraid to find out that I don't mean as much to them as they do to me. There are people I want to hug, but I can't. There are people I want to give gifts to, but it would seem, to some, as inappropriate.

I believe it was 2008 that our family decided (or rather the majority decided) not to exchange gifts outside of our own respective households because people couldn't afford it. Well, for awhile I protested. Even though I could not afford to buy gifts, I did it anyway. And then felt the empty rejection of not getting anything back. I thought, honestly, that I just loved to give for the sake of giving. But when they don't appreciate what they get, and don't reciprocate, I understood that there must have been more selfishness in my motives that I initially realized.

This year, we've been blessed to have two friends living with us, something that has brought extra love and light to our home. I did one really good production....not successful, in a box office sense, but successful creatively. And I met and worked with some truly wonderful people in the process. It seemed like some friends I drifted away from a little, and some I got closer to. My dear friend Michael gave me one of my most poignant memories of the whole year. We were doing happy hour at Huber's and I was talking about how hard it can be to find a welcoming church when you're gay. And he looked me in the eye and apologized on behalf of all Christians who have ever made me feel rejected or out of place or uncomfortable. He did not need to do that. He was never guilty of those things. But that was a defining moment in our friendship, and in my own life.

I thank God for the blessings of 2012, and everything He has in store for 2013. The only new year's resolution that makes any sense to me is just to be more attentive to my walk with Him, and to listen for His wisdom and guidance.

I wish you joy, peace, love, and your true heart's desires this holiday season. Merry Christmas.

You can't fire me cos I quit.

First, I want to say hello to my readers, as it seems like there are more than I thought. I've been checking my Dashboard and it seems like a number of people have viewed my last entry, and it surprises me. Why? Well, for one thing, I know I'm repetitive. I talk about the same things all the time, sometimes even tell the same stories...I mean, this is not exactly deliberate, but in the back of my mind, I know I do it. The other reason I'm surprised by my readership is that I keep expecting to get blasted for being a Jesus freak; some of my friends no doubt think I'd be happier if I wasn't. This is not true.

So I know for a fact that I've discussed the subject of "giving up" before, but I need to touch on it again, just for my own therapeutic reasons. For months I've been talking about and working on a certain project, and recently I've had to end it, much to the disappointment of various people involved, and much to my shame and humiliation. (It feels like I don't have a future in Portland theatre, cos I keep falling on my face, and every time I do, it's another blow to my reputation.) And I have to remind myself, "No Matt, you were NOT born to fail. You are not a professional failure, or a quitting specialist." But it feels like I am.

Let's examine the greatest examples of quitting, failing or giving up from my past:

1. I had to repeat kindergarten, an event that traumatized me and had long term psychological effects. It had nothing to do with a lack of intelligence; there were medical problems and possibly other things as well that I can't go into here. It wasn't my fault, but of course I felt like it was.

2. I quit the Cub Scouts after only a few months. But I don't think that should count, because it seems like the whole organization left our city and schools; I mean, everybody quit. Not just me.

3. It took 3 years to get through a 2-year community college Associate degree program, not because I was working, but because I often dropped classes for one reason or another. It was too hard, or I disliked the instructor, etc.

4. I got a part-time job at Gyros Gyros at the mall, and quit after one day. It was a fast-paced, stressful and loud environment, the complete opposite of what my timid personality could handle.

5. I moved to Eugene in 1996 to continue college, but moved back home after only one term because I had an emotional breakdown. (I went for the wrong reasons; you can get the full story if you go back and read earlier entries.)

6. There was a film project that I wrote and was supposed to be directing with a bunch of students from CCC, but through a series of scheduling conflicts, misunderstandings, and lack of communication, I had to call the thing off; apparently people didn't really want to do it anyway but were afraid to tell me.

7. I moved to Mercer Island, WA (right next to Seattle) with some friends, but moved back home 9 months later after I lost one of those friendships, could not find decent work, and got terribly homesick.

8. I took $20,000 worth of film school (all loans, of course) over a span of 2 years, often quitting classes, only to have to retake them later. Upon my first F grade, I quit for good, realizing that film was too technical and left-brained, and that theatre was my real love. (I still write movie scripts, but the idea of trying to make them scares the crap out of me.)

9. I tried to produce a play of mine a number of times (in fact, the same one I just quit again), but I was never able to cast the thing.

10. I quit my retail job of 6 years after having a nervous breakdown, strife with coworkers, increased anxiety from not being able to do the things that were in my official job description, but instead having to be a jack of all trades.

11. I tried to produce an original Christmas play, written by me, in Gresham, but there were numerous problems, including not being able to find enough actors, and underestimating the cost of the production...not to mention the venue we were going to perform at was falling down.

12. I started my own theatre company, Book of Dreams productions, and produced two shows, but they were both disasters in terms of ticket sales and general critical reception (or complete lack thereof in one case). I realized I was a good director, but not a good producer.

13. So WHY did I try this latest project? When all I was doing was producing and not directing?

Because even though I've fallen down several times, I still have to get up. In fact, with each one of those unfortunate events listed above, I have learned something new. I may make the same mistake again, but for a different reason!  And some day I will get it right, I have to believe that. I have vision, and I have talent, which some people have indeed witnessed. I will keep going until I accomplish whatever I was put on this world to do. The world will not be rid of me yet!

Does God love some more than others?

It says somewhere that God is no respecter of persons. And God so loved the world, He gave His only begotten Son so that whoever believes in Him should be saved. I think most people believe that God loves everyone equally. Of course, those who choose not to receive Him, He seems ready to cast into darkness forever. If people are in hell now, does God still love them, or was that love extinguished when they died after not receiving the atoning sacrifice of His Son? Love gives us free will, the very same free will that can destroy us.

I was having lunch with a friend one day who had trouble with the notion of a "gay Christian". Yes, most people do. A Christian will say, "How can you call yourself Christian and do something that the Bible is so clearly against?" They don't understand the complexity of how sexuality is wired indelibly to a person's identity. But my friend on that day, was a gay guy who was not a Christian (most aren't) and he said, "Don't all Christians hate us?" Of course the answer is no, but how can I explain it to him?

As an artist (writer, director, producer, etc.), I've always believed in the importance of holding nothing back, just expressing whatever is on the heart and mind, even if that expression, by its very nature, is filled with sex, bad language, violence, etc. After all, this is the world we live in. We don't live in Heaven, at least not yet.

But as a Christian, I've also wanted to serve God with my work. I've also wanted to see His hand of blessing on my work. But I've been told that this wasn't possible because there were things there that went against His will and truth. Mysterious Skin focused on gay characters, also had nudity and a graphic rape scene. (I didn't write this, but directed it.) Costa Rehab had tons of bad language and even pornographic displays. Most recently, I've been producing my own work, What Connects Us, which is something I wrote years ago and is all about growing up gay and Christian, dealing with unrequited love for your straight friend, etc. And my lead actor (who is a Christian) strung me along for months, saying that he wanted to do the show, then copped out of rehearsals, claiming work conflicts, and finally at the 11th hour, quit the show because he was having moral conflicts.

So have I been wrong all this time? Has God withheld blessing from me because of content? Or because I'm gay?  I overheard a local church broadcast a few weeks ago, and a man was up front, giving kind of a post-election diatribe about how terrible it was that gay marriage has passed in so many states, and how Christians need to carefully plan how they're gonna dodge that bullet in Oregon. He cited what's happening in Uganda, where they're trying to pass a law that will imprison gays for life. You know, to inspire us, to see what Christians can accomplish if they put their minds and prayers to it.

Most people who know me realize that I am not an activist, nor to do I claim to have the answers about the age-old question of faith and homosexuality. I would never encourage someone to be or not be gay, partly because I don't truly believe it's a choice anyway, but also because I wouldn't want to be held accountable if I'm wrong. So I just try to live my life day by day, and ask God to help me to be what He wants me to be, even if that person is heterosexual.

But sometimes it feels like the world is against me. I'm too Christian for my secular friends, and too gay for my Christian brothers and sisters, and where does God fit in all this? Where do I fit in God?  I try to ask these questions in my art, but oh no, there might be a dirty word.

The sun always shines on TV.

Last night we were all drawn around my mother's computer, watching a video that was attached to an email that had been forwarded to her by some friend or family member. It was "inspiring", "beautiful", "hopeful", etc. It was a 12-minute video of a girl performing her heart out in front of X Factor judges, including Simon Cowell. Before she started singing, she revealed that she had been bullied in high school and middle school, and they went into this documentary segment about how she got to where she was. And one of the judges was a young female singer, about the age of the contestant, no doubt someone who's popular, but I don't know who she is cos I don't keep up with pop music these days. Apparently, this young star has, in her brief career, made a stand against bullying in her music and public persona. Apparently, she too was a victim when she was younger. She went up and hugged the emotional contestant. Then the girl sang, and you could just hear (and see) the pain of years of emotional suffering that she had gone through. Now, I'm a theatre person, but I have to say you can't fake that kind of pain that she showed as she was singing this song. And that's what the judges said. They were all moved and impressed. Simon was "choked up" and gave his best review ever. And everyone looked at the camera and said, "Take that, you bullies!"

But...These sweet moments are rare in this kind of program. In fact, I can't bear to watch them at all because of the bullying that takes place as the norm. Hopeful contestants come on and the judges routinely act like bullies, taking a big steaming crap on their hopes and dreams and talents. And that's what people watch them for is to see how insulting the judges can be, to see how they make the contestants cry. How self-serving and hypocritical to champion a young girl to get on the now-popular anti-bullying bandwagon. Would they ever be this kind and generous to all the contestants? Even if they suck, they're entitled to some dignity and respect, just for stepping out there in courage and trying to reach their dream. They don't need to be torn to shreds and sent home in tears. If you're going to be good, be good all the time.

Take that, you bullies!

As I was watching that segment, I was reminded of one of my favorite shows, Glee, which I had just watched. They just had their season premier. I was thinking about how that show has done so much to encourage and inspire young people. Less and less, people are afraid of being who they are, their true individual self. More and more, people are embracing their uniqueness. Sometimes I think the show tries too hard to push the diversity envelope. (I don't care for the new character, Unique, for example. I don't have a problem with crossdressing, but I do have a problem with the Sassy Pants attitude.) And why does Rachel's instructor have to such a bitch? I have a feeling it wouldn't really be like that.

All right, I may expand this later.

to love thyself

A few nights ago I had a series of dreams. I don't remember what they were about or exactly what happened in them, but what I do distinctly remember is that they all had to do with my getting embarrassed, making a fool of myself, or failing miserably, not living up to expectations, etc. I mean there were like 4 of these types of dreams in a row. Needless to say, when I woke up I felt a little battered. But I was also hit by a very strong feeling that God was trying to impress something on me: "LOVE YOURSELF."

Well, I thought I did. After all, I'm always looking out for my own best interests, right? But upon closer introspection I came to realize several things. There are a number of self-defeating patterns in my life. Because I have almost no self-worth, I don't take care of myself. I don't bother to look good. I don't take care of my body. And then I despair because I'm lonely.

In addition, most of my social relationships are based on unequal affection, with me caring about the other person 10 times more than the other person cares for me. I am always wanting more of the friendship, and trying to get closer to people when it's obvious that to them, I'm just a casual acquaintance. So I'm always feeling rejected by them, instead of facing reality and accepting the true nature of the relationship for what it is.

At the same time, there are relationships in which I feel like I'm taken advantage of, situations where I get obligated to do things I don't really want to do just because I feel like I have to honor that friendship. So I lose a bit of my own personal freedom in exchange for misguided loyalty.

If your right hand offends you, cut it off.

Why be involved with people who don't value you as much as you seem to value them? Why let others make decisions for you? Why obsess about what you cannot change? I've been doing all these things. I suppose it's because I've been afraid I would end up alone if I don't just "take what I can get". But also, I really don't know how to strive for something better.

Mysteries are solved one puzzle piece at a time. How do I find people who really care about me? I don't know, but I do know the beginning of the answer to that question: Care about myself. Love myself.  What does that look like?  Stay tuned.

2 goodbyes

I was talking to a lady in the audience before my show started one night, and somehow conversation turned to the subject of travel, and what a good thing it is to do if you can do it. I revealed that I had not done much of it myself. I've been as far north as Vancouver BC, as far south as San Diego, as far east as Lake Tahoe, and as far west as, well, the Pacific. She seemed surprised. A man of my age, stuck in his little Northwest box. And in all my 39 years I've moved twice, only to return to the home I grew up in. It's a small world, they say, but smaller for some than for others. And yet, I can't complain about it because I love this world I inhabit and the people with whom I share it.

I am often surprised by the people who I end up calling "friend". Often times, they're not like me at all, and it seems like it would be an oil and water type of thing. But there's different friends for different occasions. One guy I only have lunch with, and if I can do it four times a year I'm lucky, yet I consider him one of my "best" friends. Another guy I only work with creatively, so if I don't have a project, the "friendship" is in limbo, and when I hire him, it's like I'm trying to buy that friendship. Secretly, I just want to hang out with him. Would he call me a friend? I have no idea. Other friends offend me by posting anti-Christian propaganda on Facebook and it grieves me to look at it, but I also can't bear to block them because I like seeing what they're up to. Other friends, I crush on constantly but know I don't have a chance with. Other friends, I can't get involved in my interests, no matter how hard I try. My heart hurts when they don't see my show, but my head knows they're still my friends, and it's stupid to think otherwise.

I always feel like the default setting for most of my relationships with people (at least outside my family) is that I like them a lot more than they like me. So it makes sense that I'm the one who has to call or write. Sometimes it seems like I have to come up with some wild gimmick to get people's attention. "Spend an evening with me, and you could win a new car!" Okay, that's a slightly silly exaggeration but you get my point.

Yet once in a while, a person comes along who has some sort of interest in me, and I have no idea why, I don't know what I offer (it can't be physical), and of course my heart is so grateful I WANT to have a new car to give them, but I don't. Maybe I could write a song for them. But no, I haven't written songs in years. And what's the motive for this desire to give of myself?  Will it ensure the indefinite continuation of the friendship? That doesn't seem likely.

I think the only conclusion that can be reached is that "it is what it is." People have to follow the path that their heart sets for them (unless they're answering to a higher calling) and my place in that path is just whatever it happens to be, no more, no less. But if they've touched my life is some meaningful (sometimes unexpected) way, I hope that I've done the same for them. Some kind of imprint.