It makes me sad that people are so busy all of the time.
I made the above its own paragraph because it is such an enormous understatement, it really needs to stand out a bit. Maybe I should put it in all caps, bold, italics, and underline, maybe in a variety of different colors, maybe repeating 100 times, and that could be the entire content of the blog. Is anyone else lonely? Does anyone else feel alienated by the fast, breakneck pace of our daily lives? Does anyone else feel like human companionship is more important than getting ahead, making more money, always advancing forward to some imagined destination called "success"?
I admit that I'm different from most people. Although I have worked a normal job for many years, I have more often been unemployed. A combination of fear and passivity have kept me largely home-bound and socially isolated. But even when I've been involved in a job, school, and various social activities, I've found that I still haven't been happy. Why? Because it seemed like I could never make a real connection with people. They didn't want to hang out outside the job, outside the classroom, outside the theatre. And I couldn't understand why.
However friendships are formed, it must not be the way that I tend to try and form them. And among those people who I call friends, most of them I seldom see because they are constantly busy. They literally have no free time. Of course, that's not really true, but it's easy to say to someone if you want to put them off. Or if it is true, isn't there something wrong with that picture? It seems like nobody only works 40 hours a week anymore. Got to keep going above and beyond the call if you want to keep your job. People are pressured to give more and more of themselves to the company or the class assignment, they lose sleep, their health suffers, they lose touch with their family and friends, they no longer have time for the things they really enjoy, it's all just work, work, work, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go............
Now I admit that if I had a little work and a little "go, go, go" obligations myself, I wouldn't have as much time to feel lonely and isolated, but because everyone is in that Ultra-Ambition mode, I feel like they don't have time to get to know someone new, or even someone old, like me. Someone who just wants to feel a connection with people.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Now in the open
Many months ago, I heard from the Lord, and He told me that I had been hiding in the background, like someone who doesn't want to be noticed, whose gifts and abilities can't be utilized because doing for God requires boldness and freedom from fear. Well, at the time, I didn't really understand. I've almost always been open about my faith, not a "closet Christian". But recent events have showed me that I was not as open as I had believed I was.
I've always found it easier to make friends with unbelievers. I guess to start with, it was because for much of my childhood and teen years, then later my entire early adulthood, I didn't go to church. Add to that being gay and also being in the theatre community which is composed of 98% liberal humanists, it just makes sense that I wouldn't cross paths with that many other Christians. And I liked the open-mindedness of these artistic types. I liked not being judged for anything. And let's face it, Jesus Himself said that people are not to judge one another. But many Christians conveniently forget this.
But the Bible speaks of an end times apostasy that will take place, where more and more people will reject Christ utterly...And sometimes I look around and it seems like it's already begun. It's safer today to say that you're gay than to say you're a Christian. More people hate Christians than gays, at least in my circles. And to a certain extent, I almost can't blame the haters; it seems like it might be the Christians' fault for all their politicizing, for dividing America on issues like gay marriage and abortion. There is a growing hostility, a backlash that I feel now which I've not felt before. If you read the New Testament, it's full of warnings for the followers of Christ, warnings about rejections and persecutions. I always thought, "Well, that was back then in the early days of the faith", and it was, but I never thought it was a word for now. But it is. Persecution is here, it is coming, it is getting worse.
So here I am, a guy who always had trouble making friends, feeling incredibly lucky for the friends that I do have (I should not say lucky, I should say blessed), and I don't want to lose any of them because of my faith. In addition to this, I have wanted to be part of the theatre community in Portland for a long time, someone who is respected for his work and how he gets along with others. But like I said, by and large, the theatre community accepts spiritualism, but not so much "organized religion". So what do I do? Do I keep my mouth shut about my faith?
A couple years ago, my dad, who has worked yearly in the Grotto's Festival of Lights Christmas play, asked me if I could write my own Christmas script because he didn't like the ones they used at the Grotto. His hope was that they might decide to use mine instead. Well, they didn't. I was disappointed, but I decided to use those lemons to make lemonade and flesh out my idea into a full length Christmas script, one that would hopefully honor the Lord and remind people what the holiday is all about.
Recently I was presented with an opportunity to produce this play, and I am in that process now. But it has been a very strange experience for me. I have found that talking about it with others, posting audition notices, and trying to recruit friends to be involved has been emotionally difficult for me. I feel exposed, very self conscious, and insecure because I think that people are going to label me as a "Jesus Freak". I worry that people won't want to work with me because I'm "one of those people". Now I understand what it meant that I was "hiding". And what it means to step up.
I do not preach to my friends, or anyone else for that matter. Belief in God is the most personal choice you can make, and nobody can make that choice for you. Would I like my friends to know Jesus? Of course. It's like wanting your friends to eat healthy and exercise, to keep growing, to be successful. You want what's best for your friends. But you never push, and you never judge. You accept people as they are and don't criticize. And I can only hope that people will afford me the same courtesy. I may not think or believe like you, but I still like you, and hope you feel the same way in return. I am a Christian...but I'm also kind of a cool guy.
I've always found it easier to make friends with unbelievers. I guess to start with, it was because for much of my childhood and teen years, then later my entire early adulthood, I didn't go to church. Add to that being gay and also being in the theatre community which is composed of 98% liberal humanists, it just makes sense that I wouldn't cross paths with that many other Christians. And I liked the open-mindedness of these artistic types. I liked not being judged for anything. And let's face it, Jesus Himself said that people are not to judge one another. But many Christians conveniently forget this.
But the Bible speaks of an end times apostasy that will take place, where more and more people will reject Christ utterly...And sometimes I look around and it seems like it's already begun. It's safer today to say that you're gay than to say you're a Christian. More people hate Christians than gays, at least in my circles. And to a certain extent, I almost can't blame the haters; it seems like it might be the Christians' fault for all their politicizing, for dividing America on issues like gay marriage and abortion. There is a growing hostility, a backlash that I feel now which I've not felt before. If you read the New Testament, it's full of warnings for the followers of Christ, warnings about rejections and persecutions. I always thought, "Well, that was back then in the early days of the faith", and it was, but I never thought it was a word for now. But it is. Persecution is here, it is coming, it is getting worse.
So here I am, a guy who always had trouble making friends, feeling incredibly lucky for the friends that I do have (I should not say lucky, I should say blessed), and I don't want to lose any of them because of my faith. In addition to this, I have wanted to be part of the theatre community in Portland for a long time, someone who is respected for his work and how he gets along with others. But like I said, by and large, the theatre community accepts spiritualism, but not so much "organized religion". So what do I do? Do I keep my mouth shut about my faith?
A couple years ago, my dad, who has worked yearly in the Grotto's Festival of Lights Christmas play, asked me if I could write my own Christmas script because he didn't like the ones they used at the Grotto. His hope was that they might decide to use mine instead. Well, they didn't. I was disappointed, but I decided to use those lemons to make lemonade and flesh out my idea into a full length Christmas script, one that would hopefully honor the Lord and remind people what the holiday is all about.
Recently I was presented with an opportunity to produce this play, and I am in that process now. But it has been a very strange experience for me. I have found that talking about it with others, posting audition notices, and trying to recruit friends to be involved has been emotionally difficult for me. I feel exposed, very self conscious, and insecure because I think that people are going to label me as a "Jesus Freak". I worry that people won't want to work with me because I'm "one of those people". Now I understand what it meant that I was "hiding". And what it means to step up.
I do not preach to my friends, or anyone else for that matter. Belief in God is the most personal choice you can make, and nobody can make that choice for you. Would I like my friends to know Jesus? Of course. It's like wanting your friends to eat healthy and exercise, to keep growing, to be successful. You want what's best for your friends. But you never push, and you never judge. You accept people as they are and don't criticize. And I can only hope that people will afford me the same courtesy. I may not think or believe like you, but I still like you, and hope you feel the same way in return. I am a Christian...but I'm also kind of a cool guy.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
For my friends
Most people know that the Earth is round. It’s been proven so with satellite images. Indeed, planets in general, share this basic characteristic. If someone wanted to go back to the old way of thinking and try to believe that the Earth was flat, he would have a pretty hard time. No one around him would help support this lie. Sure, he could live in a world of make-believe, but what would be the point? The Earth is round, and there’s nothing anyone can do to change it. Even a worldwide nuclear holocaust probably would not change it.
So there are things in the Universe that are unchangeable. Some people are unchangeable, although not usually 100% so. God is unchangeable. Oh, you can evoke certain feelings in Him. You can pray and get a response. But His Word makes it fairly clear He’s the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. So while I hate to compare Him to a giant rock in the heavens, He is like a planet in that sense…except that even those heavenly bodies are not eternal the way that He is. He created them and He can destroy them.
So if we can’t change God, why do we feel the need to question His nature? It’s like questioning why the Earth can’t be flat. Part of the nature of God is that He’s holy. Holiness means completely free from sin. You know how if you’ve got a container of white paint, and you put just a drop of any other color in it, it is no longer a pure white paint. It is now a tint. Well, in the pallet of God’s holiness, no drop of sin is acceptable. His holy nature can’t abide it. That’s just the way He is. Why else would He send His own Son to die in order to atone for all our sin and wash away every spot of it from us? Desperate situations require desperate measures.
People don’t understand why a “good person” might go to Hell. Well, some people are so sinful that it’s like pouring a whole bucket of black paint into a tray filled with white. You know, I’m thinking murderers, rapists, politicians, reality TV hosts. But if that person sincerely accepts Jesus and His atoning sacrifice, it is as though every trace of that black paint is removed and you have all white again. This is a supernatural act of God; we can't cleanse ourselves any more than we could actually extract black paint once it's been poured into white. But Christ’s blood “washes whiter than snow”. The once evil man is now acceptable to God. (That does not mean that he doesn’t need to pay for his crimes in the natural world, according to the laws of the land.) But someone else has a little drop of another color added to his white tray. (It could be any color, if we say that all but white is sin in this less-than-perfect metaphor). This man is GOOD! He gives money to charitable causes. He feeds the poor. He helps old ladies across the street. In fact, he doesn’t do a thing for himself. But what’s his sin? It’s refusing to acknowledge the truth of Christ, and the price He paid for our salvation. This one sin taints the entire paint tray; it is not white. This person is not holy in God’s eyes because only Jesus Christ can make us holy and acceptable. Without Christ, God can’t forgive this person, and he will be lost.
Holiness is just a part of God’s nature. We can’t change it. Asking “why” will not change it. Stomping our feet at the perceived injustice of it all will not change it. God simply asks that we receive His Son. (Romans 10:9-10, Revelation 3:20, 1 John 1:9). And yet people act as though this is some kind of torturous ordeal. He doesn’t even ask that we be circumcised anymore! Why do we make things so much more difficult than they need to be?
But wait a minute, you say. I did not mention the need to repent of our sins. It is a decision you make when you accept Christ. It doesn't generally happen overnight. We don't always even know what sin is present in our lives. This is a gradual process that you take on with God, and in His love and grace, He helps you. If you are an avid reader of my blog, you know that I have sin issues. Everybody does. Getting those issues resolved is about much more than just pleasing God. Usually sin affects our health (physical or emotional, as well as spiritual) in negative ways. Once you realize repentance is a gift, you feel how much better off you are. But I don't expect anyone to believe me unless they experience it for themselves.
So there are things in the Universe that are unchangeable. Some people are unchangeable, although not usually 100% so. God is unchangeable. Oh, you can evoke certain feelings in Him. You can pray and get a response. But His Word makes it fairly clear He’s the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. So while I hate to compare Him to a giant rock in the heavens, He is like a planet in that sense…except that even those heavenly bodies are not eternal the way that He is. He created them and He can destroy them.
So if we can’t change God, why do we feel the need to question His nature? It’s like questioning why the Earth can’t be flat. Part of the nature of God is that He’s holy. Holiness means completely free from sin. You know how if you’ve got a container of white paint, and you put just a drop of any other color in it, it is no longer a pure white paint. It is now a tint. Well, in the pallet of God’s holiness, no drop of sin is acceptable. His holy nature can’t abide it. That’s just the way He is. Why else would He send His own Son to die in order to atone for all our sin and wash away every spot of it from us? Desperate situations require desperate measures.
People don’t understand why a “good person” might go to Hell. Well, some people are so sinful that it’s like pouring a whole bucket of black paint into a tray filled with white. You know, I’m thinking murderers, rapists, politicians, reality TV hosts. But if that person sincerely accepts Jesus and His atoning sacrifice, it is as though every trace of that black paint is removed and you have all white again. This is a supernatural act of God; we can't cleanse ourselves any more than we could actually extract black paint once it's been poured into white. But Christ’s blood “washes whiter than snow”. The once evil man is now acceptable to God. (That does not mean that he doesn’t need to pay for his crimes in the natural world, according to the laws of the land.) But someone else has a little drop of another color added to his white tray. (It could be any color, if we say that all but white is sin in this less-than-perfect metaphor). This man is GOOD! He gives money to charitable causes. He feeds the poor. He helps old ladies across the street. In fact, he doesn’t do a thing for himself. But what’s his sin? It’s refusing to acknowledge the truth of Christ, and the price He paid for our salvation. This one sin taints the entire paint tray; it is not white. This person is not holy in God’s eyes because only Jesus Christ can make us holy and acceptable. Without Christ, God can’t forgive this person, and he will be lost.
Holiness is just a part of God’s nature. We can’t change it. Asking “why” will not change it. Stomping our feet at the perceived injustice of it all will not change it. God simply asks that we receive His Son. (Romans 10:9-10, Revelation 3:20, 1 John 1:9). And yet people act as though this is some kind of torturous ordeal. He doesn’t even ask that we be circumcised anymore! Why do we make things so much more difficult than they need to be?
But wait a minute, you say. I did not mention the need to repent of our sins. It is a decision you make when you accept Christ. It doesn't generally happen overnight. We don't always even know what sin is present in our lives. This is a gradual process that you take on with God, and in His love and grace, He helps you. If you are an avid reader of my blog, you know that I have sin issues. Everybody does. Getting those issues resolved is about much more than just pleasing God. Usually sin affects our health (physical or emotional, as well as spiritual) in negative ways. Once you realize repentance is a gift, you feel how much better off you are. But I don't expect anyone to believe me unless they experience it for themselves.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Have a little faith
Well, it has been a long time since I have written here. I entered a dark period after FOREVER PLAID...I knew I would. Maybe that's why it happened, too much negative thinking. I knew that it's always been difficult after a show, difficult to let go. So I find myself trying to keep in touch with everybody, as if I have enough in common with them to be buddies. I'm nearly twice their age, for goodness sake. Of course I always feel best hanging out with younger people, but that's my problem. My other problem is that I have always relied on projects to motivate people to associate with me, so I don't know how to socialize if I don't have a project to pitch.
A lot has changed in the spiritual realm since last I wrote. I quit going to the church I was going to. I got tired of worrying about whether they'd accept me because of my homosexuality. I convinced myself that they had rejected me, but I am not at all sure that's true. I don't even know who knew and who didn't. I never had the courage to even test those waters. I only sent out emails asking if they want to get coffee, and they were not responded to. So automatically, I assume they rejected me. There could be a million other reasons why, but I don't have the strength to sort it out.
So now I'm going to another church in Portland, and it isn't such a problem cos there's not really anybody there in my demographic to socialize with, so when I'm there, I just focus on God, and that's what it should be like anyway. They are a very different type of church...still Pentecostal (or charismatic, whichever you choose) but even more so than the other one. I'm learning a lot about the mountain moving power of faith, but progress is somewhat slow and I'm not yet that practiced in its application.
On a positive note, my proposed project for CoHo Productions, an original work called Between Heaven & Earth, is a finalist for their consideration to put on during their next season. We get interviewed in the next couple weeks, and basically I feel that if I do well smooth-talking in that interview, I should be doing a show for CoHo next season!!!!!!!!! This is so great cos they are one of the most prestigious companies in Portland, and it can really advance my directing career.
On a not-so-positive note, I have not yet secured the funding for my production of EQUUS, which was gonna be this spring, but now it may be postponed until I can raise some dough. I'm looking at mainstage maybe in August, but that costs more than a late-night slot (which was my original plan)...anyone want to make a donation to a new, upcoming theatre company?
And that reminds me, I need a name for my company. Two ideas come from songs: "Flavour of Night" (Robyn Hitchcock) and "Book of Dreams" (Suzanne Vega). Can I do that? I also thought of David & Jon, cos I love the whole thing about the relationship between David and Jonathan in the Old Testament. Water-2-Wine was another, but there's actually a wine company named that. Awestruck was a name I was gonna use like 10,000 years ago, doesn't thrill me so much anymore. Flyboy is another, inspired by my current favorite song, "Sleeps with Butterflies" by Tori Amos, the last line of which says, "So go on and fly, boy."
This week it's just me and Dad here at the house. And Dad has rehearsals at night. I want to entertain friends, but it has been hard to get people to come by. I live a long ways away from most people. I fancy myself a great dinner party host. Do you think there will be parties in Heaven? I hope so..................
A lot has changed in the spiritual realm since last I wrote. I quit going to the church I was going to. I got tired of worrying about whether they'd accept me because of my homosexuality. I convinced myself that they had rejected me, but I am not at all sure that's true. I don't even know who knew and who didn't. I never had the courage to even test those waters. I only sent out emails asking if they want to get coffee, and they were not responded to. So automatically, I assume they rejected me. There could be a million other reasons why, but I don't have the strength to sort it out.
So now I'm going to another church in Portland, and it isn't such a problem cos there's not really anybody there in my demographic to socialize with, so when I'm there, I just focus on God, and that's what it should be like anyway. They are a very different type of church...still Pentecostal (or charismatic, whichever you choose) but even more so than the other one. I'm learning a lot about the mountain moving power of faith, but progress is somewhat slow and I'm not yet that practiced in its application.
On a positive note, my proposed project for CoHo Productions, an original work called Between Heaven & Earth, is a finalist for their consideration to put on during their next season. We get interviewed in the next couple weeks, and basically I feel that if I do well smooth-talking in that interview, I should be doing a show for CoHo next season!!!!!!!!! This is so great cos they are one of the most prestigious companies in Portland, and it can really advance my directing career.
On a not-so-positive note, I have not yet secured the funding for my production of EQUUS, which was gonna be this spring, but now it may be postponed until I can raise some dough. I'm looking at mainstage maybe in August, but that costs more than a late-night slot (which was my original plan)...anyone want to make a donation to a new, upcoming theatre company?
And that reminds me, I need a name for my company. Two ideas come from songs: "Flavour of Night" (Robyn Hitchcock) and "Book of Dreams" (Suzanne Vega). Can I do that? I also thought of David & Jon, cos I love the whole thing about the relationship between David and Jonathan in the Old Testament. Water-2-Wine was another, but there's actually a wine company named that. Awestruck was a name I was gonna use like 10,000 years ago, doesn't thrill me so much anymore. Flyboy is another, inspired by my current favorite song, "Sleeps with Butterflies" by Tori Amos, the last line of which says, "So go on and fly, boy."
This week it's just me and Dad here at the house. And Dad has rehearsals at night. I want to entertain friends, but it has been hard to get people to come by. I live a long ways away from most people. I fancy myself a great dinner party host. Do you think there will be parties in Heaven? I hope so..................
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Global Warming
As I sit here on a cold October evening, drinking Crown Royal, waiting for it to warm my insides, I think not about what's now referred to as "climate change" and is a source of great debate among scientists, politicians, and skeptics, but rather on the real global warming, which is NOT happening, at least not in my perception, a warming of all men's hearts towards each other.
As evidence of this non-trend, look inside my own heart. I am ANGRY at those who have publicly declined to see my show, FOREVER PLAID. I want to yell at them, or worse. I must take it as a personal rejection, even though deep down, I know it's not. Maybe musicals or even theatre are simply not their cup of tea. Isn't that okay??? It should be. But I have so much built up hurt from over the years being rejected by various different people, that everything starts to feel like a rejection, even when it's not. So I believe in "loving one another"...as long as they see my show.
Then there's everyone I've tried to be friends with who weren't interested. I've covered this before, so I'm not going to belabor it, but what about the people in my church who are supposed to reach out in love toward one another, but they just seem to refuse to acknowledge me. That's not nice, that's not Christian!!! My heart freezes...
But have I always been available to everyone in need? Have I never rejected anyone?
I'm a deeply touchy-feely type person, but you wouldn't know it from the way I behave. It's hard to be gay and affectionate because you worry that straight folks will think you're being inappropriate with them. I had a heck of a time trying to convince my actors in the current show to go ahead and be affectionate with each other, that it was okay because it didn't mean they were gay...But I didn't push the issue nearly as much as I would have had I not been gay myself and not feared being misunderstood or accused of something improper.
If I could, I would hug nearly everyone I meet, unless they seemed unclean or unhealthy. But I end up doing the opposite. I don't hug anybody. God forbid someone gets the wrong idea. I love people, but I don't act like it. Instead I try to use wit to make people like me. And I used to ask for help, but now I realize that our society just sees you as weak and pathetic if you do.
But actually this entry wasn't supposed to be a bunch of complaining. I have a lot to be thankful for. God is a hearer of our prayers, and He is also an answerer. Kind of a funny way of putting it, I guess, but that's how it is written in my heart. Most of my life, I didn't really know this. Well sure, if you're a believer, you think that He cares about your food and clothing and shelter. But are you telling me He cares about desires too? YES!!!!!!!!!!!!
And some of that is too personal to write here, but I'll use the play as an example of something that was given to me that brought me out of a period of isolation that I had been in for over a year. It was just what I needed. Of course the down side of directing, as I've learned from the many shows I've done, is that once the show opens, there's kind of a split between you the director, and everyone else. The show is put in their hands, and at the same time, you're not really part of the group anymore, you feel like they're done with you. I've pretty much had that in every show I've ever done. You see the cast's camaraderie and wish you were a part of that, but you're sort of not. But that doesn't mean I want to be an actor! Directing is in my blood. And I just LOVE this group. If any of them is reading this, know you've helped my life to be better in the last couple months.
(Taking a drink) Oh, my ice has melted...
As evidence of this non-trend, look inside my own heart. I am ANGRY at those who have publicly declined to see my show, FOREVER PLAID. I want to yell at them, or worse. I must take it as a personal rejection, even though deep down, I know it's not. Maybe musicals or even theatre are simply not their cup of tea. Isn't that okay??? It should be. But I have so much built up hurt from over the years being rejected by various different people, that everything starts to feel like a rejection, even when it's not. So I believe in "loving one another"...as long as they see my show.
Then there's everyone I've tried to be friends with who weren't interested. I've covered this before, so I'm not going to belabor it, but what about the people in my church who are supposed to reach out in love toward one another, but they just seem to refuse to acknowledge me. That's not nice, that's not Christian!!! My heart freezes...
But have I always been available to everyone in need? Have I never rejected anyone?
I'm a deeply touchy-feely type person, but you wouldn't know it from the way I behave. It's hard to be gay and affectionate because you worry that straight folks will think you're being inappropriate with them. I had a heck of a time trying to convince my actors in the current show to go ahead and be affectionate with each other, that it was okay because it didn't mean they were gay...But I didn't push the issue nearly as much as I would have had I not been gay myself and not feared being misunderstood or accused of something improper.
If I could, I would hug nearly everyone I meet, unless they seemed unclean or unhealthy. But I end up doing the opposite. I don't hug anybody. God forbid someone gets the wrong idea. I love people, but I don't act like it. Instead I try to use wit to make people like me. And I used to ask for help, but now I realize that our society just sees you as weak and pathetic if you do.
But actually this entry wasn't supposed to be a bunch of complaining. I have a lot to be thankful for. God is a hearer of our prayers, and He is also an answerer. Kind of a funny way of putting it, I guess, but that's how it is written in my heart. Most of my life, I didn't really know this. Well sure, if you're a believer, you think that He cares about your food and clothing and shelter. But are you telling me He cares about desires too? YES!!!!!!!!!!!!
And some of that is too personal to write here, but I'll use the play as an example of something that was given to me that brought me out of a period of isolation that I had been in for over a year. It was just what I needed. Of course the down side of directing, as I've learned from the many shows I've done, is that once the show opens, there's kind of a split between you the director, and everyone else. The show is put in their hands, and at the same time, you're not really part of the group anymore, you feel like they're done with you. I've pretty much had that in every show I've ever done. You see the cast's camaraderie and wish you were a part of that, but you're sort of not. But that doesn't mean I want to be an actor! Directing is in my blood. And I just LOVE this group. If any of them is reading this, know you've helped my life to be better in the last couple months.
(Taking a drink) Oh, my ice has melted...
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
The Ugly Truth
Ah, let us close our eyes and think of a bygone era in which doors didn't have to be locked at night, a man helped his neighbor, and no grudges were held.
But in 2009, our culture has become so self-absorbed and we believe that we are entitled to a perfect, struggle-free life, and anyone who gets in the way of that better be ready to pay up. The latest? Former Miss California Carrie Prejean who had her 15 minutes of fame when she answered a question in a non-politically correct fashion at the Miss USA Pageant several months ago. She is now suing for discrimination, claiming that she was persecuted for her expressed beliefs. When all this originally went down, I was hit with a flood of different contrasting emotions and it was hard to get a handle on everything that I was feeling. It was also hard to keep anger in check.
Let's start at the beginning. You have Miss Prejean, Miss California standing on a stage being questioned by queer muckraker Perez Hilton about whether states should allow same-sex marriage. Well, Prejean stated that in fact, no, they shouldn't, that marriage should be between a man and a woman. This is a commonly held belief among Christians. Now, there are some important points that need to be made right from the start. #1 - That question never should have been asked in a setting like a Miss USA pageant. It is such a polarizing issue that the person being asked is really in a no-win situation. She will offend millions, no matter how she answers. All Hilton was doing was stirring up trouble, and he knew it. That was compounded by his hateful blog entry later when he called her terrible names and assaulted her character. Point #2 - Having been asked that question, she had a right to answer in whatever way was honest and from the heart. She was not wrong for answering the way she did.
Following this, Prejean and Hilton made the same mistake, oddly enough. Hilton claimed that her answer was the reason she lost the Miss USA pageant, and Prejean essentially agreed with him. Okay, never mind that we have a perfectly good candidate who did win, presumably on her own merits. What, are we now saying she was a dog and didn't deserve to win? That is extremely disrespectful. And Hilton only hurt the gay rights cause by making such a stink, because he has given Prejean a political platform that she did not have before. He's given her a soapbox to stand on. She started appearing in TV ads against gay marriage. She went on FOX news telling her sob story and how much of a victim she was. She gained passionate supporters in people like Hannity and O'Reilley. Thanks Perez, for elevating her to almost martyr status. Good job!
Then she lost her Miss California crown, and there's debate about why that is. She says it's because of her beliefs. The Miss California officials claim it's because she didn't do her job. I tend to believe the officials. So now Prejean is on a rampage to clear her good name and be compensated for how she's been wronged.
But is that what Christ did? He was brought before the court and people said vile things about Him, spat on Him, whipped Him, beat Him, calling Him a blasphemer. Did He say, "No, you're wrong, I am being unjustly persecuted"? No, He did not, because He knew that the task that was required of Him also required His silence.
Paul and other apostles were imprisoned for spreading the Gospel of Christ. They weren't doing anything wrong, but in that day and age, the Gospel could get you killed. Yet they remained steadfast and determined to spread the Good News at any cost. They didn't have the option of suing those who spoke against them or threw them in prison. And the way they endured their trials with grace and love glorified Christ.
The Word of God says we'll suffer and be persecuted for His sake. Sadly, American society is becoming more and more like that old ancient hedonistic Roman one where Christian thinking and values are looked on with disgust. How will we deal with the rising tide of secular humanism and all its attempts to banish God from our culture? Do we go to court? See, it just seems to me that such a road is divisive and ultimately harmful to the cause. The reason I said I was so emotional about the whole pageant thing is because as a Christian, it breaks my heart to think that our right of free speech could be taken away. But as a gay man, it breaks my heart to hear a Christian speak with such startling lack of empathy and compassion. So the war rages on. If you offend me, we must fight, or take each other to court. Jesus said turn the other cheek. He was not being cute; he really, really meant it.
But I know the problem with anger. Just last night, I had a real struggle with anger as I was confronted with a situation in my play rehearsals that I felt was unfair, and it took hours to sort of cool off, but not before I made myself look like kind of an ass in front of the other people involved. When I was working at Kmart, there were people who "made my blood boil" by accusing me of not working hard enough, not doing my job properly, and I got so mad, I complained to management. Did that solve anything? Not really. I believe Jesus would have said to pray for that co-worker, to be kind to her, to listen to her, to ask her how I could help her out more.
Anger is a poison. It is associated with deep wounds that we all have. When we get our feelings hurt, we tend to respond in anger much of the time. I believe that Prejean's anti-gay publicity tour following the pageant was a result of her being lashed out at, and she felt like she had to defend herself. Who started the war? Who shed first blood? It wasn't her. But once the war started, she fought, fought, fought, like her dignity and even her very identity depended on it. We all do that.
Christians and gays, raise the white flag. Gays, the diversity symbolized by your beloved rainbow is represented as much by people of faith as by anyone else. And Christians, you've been called not to defend yourselves but to take up your cross and live the life of Jesus, which was marked by endless love for others and personal sacrifice.
But in 2009, our culture has become so self-absorbed and we believe that we are entitled to a perfect, struggle-free life, and anyone who gets in the way of that better be ready to pay up. The latest? Former Miss California Carrie Prejean who had her 15 minutes of fame when she answered a question in a non-politically correct fashion at the Miss USA Pageant several months ago. She is now suing for discrimination, claiming that she was persecuted for her expressed beliefs. When all this originally went down, I was hit with a flood of different contrasting emotions and it was hard to get a handle on everything that I was feeling. It was also hard to keep anger in check.
Let's start at the beginning. You have Miss Prejean, Miss California standing on a stage being questioned by queer muckraker Perez Hilton about whether states should allow same-sex marriage. Well, Prejean stated that in fact, no, they shouldn't, that marriage should be between a man and a woman. This is a commonly held belief among Christians. Now, there are some important points that need to be made right from the start. #1 - That question never should have been asked in a setting like a Miss USA pageant. It is such a polarizing issue that the person being asked is really in a no-win situation. She will offend millions, no matter how she answers. All Hilton was doing was stirring up trouble, and he knew it. That was compounded by his hateful blog entry later when he called her terrible names and assaulted her character. Point #2 - Having been asked that question, she had a right to answer in whatever way was honest and from the heart. She was not wrong for answering the way she did.
Following this, Prejean and Hilton made the same mistake, oddly enough. Hilton claimed that her answer was the reason she lost the Miss USA pageant, and Prejean essentially agreed with him. Okay, never mind that we have a perfectly good candidate who did win, presumably on her own merits. What, are we now saying she was a dog and didn't deserve to win? That is extremely disrespectful. And Hilton only hurt the gay rights cause by making such a stink, because he has given Prejean a political platform that she did not have before. He's given her a soapbox to stand on. She started appearing in TV ads against gay marriage. She went on FOX news telling her sob story and how much of a victim she was. She gained passionate supporters in people like Hannity and O'Reilley. Thanks Perez, for elevating her to almost martyr status. Good job!
Then she lost her Miss California crown, and there's debate about why that is. She says it's because of her beliefs. The Miss California officials claim it's because she didn't do her job. I tend to believe the officials. So now Prejean is on a rampage to clear her good name and be compensated for how she's been wronged.
But is that what Christ did? He was brought before the court and people said vile things about Him, spat on Him, whipped Him, beat Him, calling Him a blasphemer. Did He say, "No, you're wrong, I am being unjustly persecuted"? No, He did not, because He knew that the task that was required of Him also required His silence.
Paul and other apostles were imprisoned for spreading the Gospel of Christ. They weren't doing anything wrong, but in that day and age, the Gospel could get you killed. Yet they remained steadfast and determined to spread the Good News at any cost. They didn't have the option of suing those who spoke against them or threw them in prison. And the way they endured their trials with grace and love glorified Christ.
The Word of God says we'll suffer and be persecuted for His sake. Sadly, American society is becoming more and more like that old ancient hedonistic Roman one where Christian thinking and values are looked on with disgust. How will we deal with the rising tide of secular humanism and all its attempts to banish God from our culture? Do we go to court? See, it just seems to me that such a road is divisive and ultimately harmful to the cause. The reason I said I was so emotional about the whole pageant thing is because as a Christian, it breaks my heart to think that our right of free speech could be taken away. But as a gay man, it breaks my heart to hear a Christian speak with such startling lack of empathy and compassion. So the war rages on. If you offend me, we must fight, or take each other to court. Jesus said turn the other cheek. He was not being cute; he really, really meant it.
But I know the problem with anger. Just last night, I had a real struggle with anger as I was confronted with a situation in my play rehearsals that I felt was unfair, and it took hours to sort of cool off, but not before I made myself look like kind of an ass in front of the other people involved. When I was working at Kmart, there were people who "made my blood boil" by accusing me of not working hard enough, not doing my job properly, and I got so mad, I complained to management. Did that solve anything? Not really. I believe Jesus would have said to pray for that co-worker, to be kind to her, to listen to her, to ask her how I could help her out more.
Anger is a poison. It is associated with deep wounds that we all have. When we get our feelings hurt, we tend to respond in anger much of the time. I believe that Prejean's anti-gay publicity tour following the pageant was a result of her being lashed out at, and she felt like she had to defend herself. Who started the war? Who shed first blood? It wasn't her. But once the war started, she fought, fought, fought, like her dignity and even her very identity depended on it. We all do that.
Christians and gays, raise the white flag. Gays, the diversity symbolized by your beloved rainbow is represented as much by people of faith as by anyone else. And Christians, you've been called not to defend yourselves but to take up your cross and live the life of Jesus, which was marked by endless love for others and personal sacrifice.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Give Me A Reason
This weblog is not what I originally intended. And isn't that the way life goes sometimes, when you think you're doing something for a specific reason, but come to find out, it actually serves an entirely different purpose? You make a Big Decision in life cos you think you're Living the Dream, but in reality what you're really doing is learning a lesson about what happens when you go your own way and not ask God for guidance. You think you're going to the store to buy eggs and a loaf of bread, but it's really to help someone out with a flat tire. You don't know that when you're going out the door. You don't know it when you sit at your computer. What does He have in mind? I just know that I don't want all my days to be the same. I want my life to have purpose and direction. Being in tune with God is one of the best feelings there is.
So what I meant by this blog not being what I thought it was is that I meant for it to be read by people at my church, and by other friends who were believers. It hasn't turned out that way. My parents have read some entries, and one of my two blog followers is a Christian, but other than that, it's not fulfilled the purpose that I had in mind when creating it. It was going to be a back and forth flow of ideas between Christians, made up of testimonies and confessed struggles and encouragements. "Oh my brother, you're going through that too? Well, I just want to let you know you're not alone!" This was my vision.
But as I got more and more in depth in terms of the kinds of things I needed to talk about, I found myself desiring more for my non-Christian friends to read it...Not because I'm trying to convert them to Christianity, but because the thoughts and feelings recorded here are truly representative of what's going on in my life, and if they can read that, the idea is that they would better understand who I am and why I do some of the crazy things I do. Of course if they thought about Jesus too as a result, I could not complain.
Every Christian is brought up to recognize the importance of witnessing to non-believers. We're taught that Hell is a real place, an eternal torment. And so Christians reach out in love to people who don't want to hear it, people who don't really appreciate that the Jesus Freak is just trying to prevent them from suffering. And of course much of the time, it doesn't sound like love, it just sounds like condemnation. It sounds like "I'm holier than thou." And it's not supposed to be that way.
Of course, I have been a terrible witness most of my life. Oh, when I was a child, I had that wonderful green T-shirt with the painting of Christ on it that said, "I believe in miracles." And, you know, my third grade classmates actually really dug that shirt. But since then...Forget about it!!!
I became selfish, like every teenager and then young adult. I became full of lust, again like every teen and young adult male. I discovered alcohol...not that alcohol in itself is bad, but when you want to get wasted all the time, it's a signal that something might be wrong. I developed a love for violent imagery and coarse language in movies, TV, music, and literature. Of course being gay, I was estranged from the church. So generally the friends I made from junior high on were not Christians. I became an obsessively needy and dependant person...but it wasn't God I was leaning on, it was people who didn't even care about me. I developed anger management issues. I refused to take care of myself physically, emotionally, spiritually, just let myself go, indulged only in what felt good, never took the time to do anything healthy or productive. I let fear guide my choices and keep me from doing what was important. I followed my own heart's desires, not caring what was truly good for me or for the other people in my life, or what plan God might have for me. And, you know, I say all these things in the past tense, but don't think for a minute that I am through with all these issues. Christ has overcome the world; I, on the other hand, am still working on it.
But admitting your faith is hard. It is extremely important, but it is difficult, even more so than being openly gay. At least, in the circles I've hung out with, people are much more likely to embrace a gay person with open arms than a Christian. "Christians are hypocrites," they say. I say, yes they are, but so is everyone. It is part of human nature.
No one has ever asked me why I'm a Christian. That may be a good thing, because I don't know if I would have the right words to explain. But I want to try. And please, if this is really lame, know that I will be able to articulate it better someday.
You start with upbringing. You're raised to believe a certain way, and if you really believe what you're told, it's kind of hard to un-believe it. But that's only the beginning. Because you do reach a point in your life where you have to choose whether to continue in that faith. I think some people don't consciously make a choice, but their faith fades from them over time like colors in the wash. You ask them if they're a Christian and they say, "Uh, yeah I guess so" because that's how they were raised but they don't have a full, interactive relationship with God.
Having a relationship with God takes effort, because you have to think about what you're doing, and when God speaks to your heart that you have done something wrong, you have to ask forgiveness. You have to try to live in a way that reflects God's righteousness, and "die to self". But if you're like me, you get into this routine of just doing whatever you want whenever you want and then just asking for forgiveness afterward, and thinking everything is okay, but it's not because you're grieving God and damaging your relationship with Him.
So why go to the trouble? Is it just cos you don't want to burn in Hell? Well, that's a good question. I believe that Fire-&-Brimstone teaching as a method of bringing people to Christ is problematic to say the least. The reason is that people do not get a glimpse of just how loving God really is; they see Him as pretty harsh and mean to throw people in Hell...Where's the love? I thought God was love.
Well, all you have to do to know about God's love is to study the life (and death) of Jesus Christ. He is definitely the counterpoint to that whole Hell business, because God doesn't really want people to be lost. If you don't believe me, just look closely at everything that Christ did: the perfect paradise He came from, coming down to live in this cesspool (compared to Heaven), living a life of humility, being rejected by those He came to minister to, resisting all sin and temptation, and ultimately suffering and dying to receive our punishment for sins so that we don't have to worry about that afore-mentioned tormented destiny.
When you have a relationship with Him, and you talk to Him, and He talks to you (I don't mean in an audible voice, although that's not impossible), you can feel His love for you in your heart. You realize that you may not understand everything about the nature and character of God, but he tells you what you need to know. He listens. He answers. He is always there; there is no one else in the universe who is always there for you. You can reach out and touch Him. Indeed, if you are in Christ, He is literally in you. And you realize that He has a purpose for you...Oh, and He also cares about your desires too, even if some of 'em are not His will. You can come to Him with anything and everything that is on your heart and mind, and I believe He will address it. Sometimes it takes time though, and that's where faith comes in.
I like knowing that there's Someone who knows me inside and out, Someone I can't lie to, Someone I can never hide from, Someone who always knows where I am, what I'm thinking, how I'm feeling, what I'm doing, what I'm going to do, what I want, what I need...And this person who is so privy to my private life happens to love me more than I can even imagine and wants what's best for me.
But is that why I believe? Is that my answer about why to follow Christ? Hmm...I really can only speak for myself. I just can't imagine being without Him.
So what I meant by this blog not being what I thought it was is that I meant for it to be read by people at my church, and by other friends who were believers. It hasn't turned out that way. My parents have read some entries, and one of my two blog followers is a Christian, but other than that, it's not fulfilled the purpose that I had in mind when creating it. It was going to be a back and forth flow of ideas between Christians, made up of testimonies and confessed struggles and encouragements. "Oh my brother, you're going through that too? Well, I just want to let you know you're not alone!" This was my vision.
But as I got more and more in depth in terms of the kinds of things I needed to talk about, I found myself desiring more for my non-Christian friends to read it...Not because I'm trying to convert them to Christianity, but because the thoughts and feelings recorded here are truly representative of what's going on in my life, and if they can read that, the idea is that they would better understand who I am and why I do some of the crazy things I do. Of course if they thought about Jesus too as a result, I could not complain.
Every Christian is brought up to recognize the importance of witnessing to non-believers. We're taught that Hell is a real place, an eternal torment. And so Christians reach out in love to people who don't want to hear it, people who don't really appreciate that the Jesus Freak is just trying to prevent them from suffering. And of course much of the time, it doesn't sound like love, it just sounds like condemnation. It sounds like "I'm holier than thou." And it's not supposed to be that way.
Of course, I have been a terrible witness most of my life. Oh, when I was a child, I had that wonderful green T-shirt with the painting of Christ on it that said, "I believe in miracles." And, you know, my third grade classmates actually really dug that shirt. But since then...Forget about it!!!
I became selfish, like every teenager and then young adult. I became full of lust, again like every teen and young adult male. I discovered alcohol...not that alcohol in itself is bad, but when you want to get wasted all the time, it's a signal that something might be wrong. I developed a love for violent imagery and coarse language in movies, TV, music, and literature. Of course being gay, I was estranged from the church. So generally the friends I made from junior high on were not Christians. I became an obsessively needy and dependant person...but it wasn't God I was leaning on, it was people who didn't even care about me. I developed anger management issues. I refused to take care of myself physically, emotionally, spiritually, just let myself go, indulged only in what felt good, never took the time to do anything healthy or productive. I let fear guide my choices and keep me from doing what was important. I followed my own heart's desires, not caring what was truly good for me or for the other people in my life, or what plan God might have for me. And, you know, I say all these things in the past tense, but don't think for a minute that I am through with all these issues. Christ has overcome the world; I, on the other hand, am still working on it.
But admitting your faith is hard. It is extremely important, but it is difficult, even more so than being openly gay. At least, in the circles I've hung out with, people are much more likely to embrace a gay person with open arms than a Christian. "Christians are hypocrites," they say. I say, yes they are, but so is everyone. It is part of human nature.
No one has ever asked me why I'm a Christian. That may be a good thing, because I don't know if I would have the right words to explain. But I want to try. And please, if this is really lame, know that I will be able to articulate it better someday.
You start with upbringing. You're raised to believe a certain way, and if you really believe what you're told, it's kind of hard to un-believe it. But that's only the beginning. Because you do reach a point in your life where you have to choose whether to continue in that faith. I think some people don't consciously make a choice, but their faith fades from them over time like colors in the wash. You ask them if they're a Christian and they say, "Uh, yeah I guess so" because that's how they were raised but they don't have a full, interactive relationship with God.
Having a relationship with God takes effort, because you have to think about what you're doing, and when God speaks to your heart that you have done something wrong, you have to ask forgiveness. You have to try to live in a way that reflects God's righteousness, and "die to self". But if you're like me, you get into this routine of just doing whatever you want whenever you want and then just asking for forgiveness afterward, and thinking everything is okay, but it's not because you're grieving God and damaging your relationship with Him.
So why go to the trouble? Is it just cos you don't want to burn in Hell? Well, that's a good question. I believe that Fire-&-Brimstone teaching as a method of bringing people to Christ is problematic to say the least. The reason is that people do not get a glimpse of just how loving God really is; they see Him as pretty harsh and mean to throw people in Hell...Where's the love? I thought God was love.
Well, all you have to do to know about God's love is to study the life (and death) of Jesus Christ. He is definitely the counterpoint to that whole Hell business, because God doesn't really want people to be lost. If you don't believe me, just look closely at everything that Christ did: the perfect paradise He came from, coming down to live in this cesspool (compared to Heaven), living a life of humility, being rejected by those He came to minister to, resisting all sin and temptation, and ultimately suffering and dying to receive our punishment for sins so that we don't have to worry about that afore-mentioned tormented destiny.
When you have a relationship with Him, and you talk to Him, and He talks to you (I don't mean in an audible voice, although that's not impossible), you can feel His love for you in your heart. You realize that you may not understand everything about the nature and character of God, but he tells you what you need to know. He listens. He answers. He is always there; there is no one else in the universe who is always there for you. You can reach out and touch Him. Indeed, if you are in Christ, He is literally in you. And you realize that He has a purpose for you...Oh, and He also cares about your desires too, even if some of 'em are not His will. You can come to Him with anything and everything that is on your heart and mind, and I believe He will address it. Sometimes it takes time though, and that's where faith comes in.
I like knowing that there's Someone who knows me inside and out, Someone I can't lie to, Someone I can never hide from, Someone who always knows where I am, what I'm thinking, how I'm feeling, what I'm doing, what I'm going to do, what I want, what I need...And this person who is so privy to my private life happens to love me more than I can even imagine and wants what's best for me.
But is that why I believe? Is that my answer about why to follow Christ? Hmm...I really can only speak for myself. I just can't imagine being without Him.
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